Friends: Season 4--Struggling for balance

[Underdog]

Okay, back... I have a few minutes before starting dinner.

Kitti knows that the type of patience she is asking me to have is not the same type of patience I needed before. It's the type of patience that allows latitude in thinking and feeling. And I know I probably confused all of you with my emotions yesterday.

I have noticed that since my big meltdown in January, Mr. Wonderful seems to respond well to my emotional displays. Each time I have one, he listens intently and he thinks about things. I think, now that I've been able to show him what I feel without attacking him, he is seeing that side of me that I don't normally show.

My post of last night's conversation was not sequential. I was typing as I remembered bits and pieces. Upon reflection, meditation, and prayer (topped by a good night's fitful sleep) I was able to see his statement as projection rather than truths.

How?

His statement of fearing he couldn't love me "that way" again are ALWAYS followed by statements of guilt, remorse and fear. Like you, I can smell this fear now...

As he and I discussed last night--theoretically--after such a long separation, it should be obvious that a divorce is the next step if he didn't feel SOMETHING. I was able to say something along these lines when he remarked, "that is an amazing thought, and I hadn't thought about it from that perspective."

He was pretty warm toward me today when bringing back the girls. The girls were riding D7's scooter when he was washing the motorcycle. I asked him if I could ask a few questions while he washed, and he commented with a smile, "I'm all ears."

I asked him, "Remember the part last night when you said you feared me judging you the most?" He said, "Uh huh. Why?" I got quiet for a bit and he reminded me that he was still listening. I commented, "I know you are, but I'm just thinking about the right way to word this."

"K, well, what I want to reassure you is something I point out on the BB. That is the issue of consequences. Well, consequences occur naturally--all choices have them. But the fact is, it's not my job to dole them out along with judgement. And the fact is that I did as much to push you out the door as you did."

MW: "Bets, don't you think you're being a little tough on yourself?"

Me: "No. I understand my role and how this all manifested itself. I really just want to let you know that there are consequences for playing judge, jury and executioner and I'm none of those."

MW: "Then who is?"

Me: "You are."

Silence

Me: "K, I think the hardest part of this entire process will be the part where you forgive yourself."

His head snapped up and he looked me straight in the eye. I knew I hit a nerve.

MW: "That is the absolute truth, Betsey."

Me: "Well, you know specifically that the journey to forgiving myself a long time ago was pretty painful. I'm my own worse critic and it took some time to work through."

MW: Nodding. "I know. This is probably going to be a recurring theme for me for awhile."

I didn't point out projection, because I could tell he was overloading himself on the current theme of forgiving himself. I figured that was enough for him to chew on while riding.

Now I'll say here what I've told a couple friends off the BB. I know he's made his decision. I've known it for a week now. He doesn't know he's made the decision, but he has. And it isn't leaving me. But what will require patience on my part--and believe me, I have plenty of it--is allowing him and encouraging him to think this through AND discuss it with me.

That was the point to last night's discussion. It was apparent to me that he felt fear in just sharing thoughts with me. He did tell me during last night's convo that he was glad I called, and that he was glad we could discuss this heavy stuff without rancor and bitterness. And he said that he appreciates the type of growth we have shared in the way we communicate with each other now.

THAT is how I know he's interested in reconciling.

I just need to make his landing as safe as I possibly can. He's in control of this ship, and he said he realizes that now. And personally, I think he finds this type of control terrifying. I'm so used to crashing and burning and getting back up that it doesn't faze me at all. But this is new for him. And I DO realize this.

So please, put the 2x4s away because I'm not going to need them.

One of these days, I'll be here to post the details about his landing. And I hope you guys realize I know that the time is drawing near. I'm okay with this process, and I see that he's thinking about things.

BTW, PIB, I don't have to ask him to read DB--he has my copy. All he needs to do is pick it up and start reading. I think he's still working from my letter, because he made several references to specific items in it. He's listening. And I still know that whatever decision he makes will be the right one.

In fact, before we hung up last night, I told him that. He responded, "How do you know you'll be happy then?" I smiled and said, "Because being happy is MY choice. And I choose to be happy, no matter what path I eventually take. I have faith in your ability to choose the same for yourself."

He was a little stunned, but seemed to appreciate the message.

Time for dinner, so I'll bid adieu for now.

Betsey