One day at a time.

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

I want, to want to be here.

That’s different than “I don’t want to be here”, in my opinion. True it’s not the grand committed statement of wanting to work things out. However, that’s not how these situations go. It took a while for her to stray and decide to want to leave, it takes a while for that to unwind. It starts with a whisper of doubt. The tiny voice and realization of what they might just be tossing away.

Hit me upside the head with a 2x4 if need be. I'm just feeling lost again lately.

Okay.

W made the comment she could still end up back with the om if we were to get a D.

Sounds like OM is the one placed on a shelf, if he is anywhere. She states “could still end up back with”, which implies he is current not.

They will test to see how we will react. Can we forgive them? Do we forgive them? Is the new and improved Mike real? He has been acting different. And I’ve noticed. But is it authentic? And so on. These are some of the doubts and questions swimming around W’s mind.

I get it, pretty unfair being tested and having to hold your tongue. Look, she doesn’t realize she is testing, and she hasn’t done the same level of inner work as you; so the lion’s share of this falls upon you for the moment. Her time is coming. Be patient.

That upset me because it sounds like she is still thinking about him.

Why would you be upset with whatever her thoughts are? I think you are most upset because you are/keep thinking about him.

I’m pretty zen-like. Consider the following:

- - - -

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.
Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

- - - -

Live in the present moment. Carrying around past hurts, holding onto resentments really only hurts ourselves.

We all go through times in life when other people say things or behave in a way that is hurtful towards us. We can chose to ruminate over past actions or events, which will ultimately weigh us down and sap our energy.

Or one can choose to let go of what doesn’t serve anymore and concentrate on the present moment. Until one finds a level of peace and happiness in the present circumstances of their lives, one will never be content, because “now” is all one truly has.

Stop carrying OM around.

Of course I've thought that was still the case since she works with him. I simply stated that I'm tired of being an option for her versus us trying to reconcile and that we don't have a chance as long as she's still seeing him everyday at work. I know, I know. Say it anyway.

“We don't have a chance as long as she's still seeing him everyday at work”. Do you believe this? Deep down Mike, do you believe that statement?

I’m talking a belief, a conviction, a deeply held motivation for how and why you live your life like you do.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say you likely spoke more from your emotions than reason or faith/beliefs. Do work to limit such outburst. Especially when they reinforce “reasons” for ending things.

What I need help with, besides my mouth, is the feeling that we are just going to slide back into the old R and nothing changes.

Ok. So change something. What would you like changed? What would you like to change?

You like to change. You can only directly control yourself. So, what do you want to change? And what is stopping you?

By the way, positive changes, and continuing positive present actions will influence W. That’s how you can influence a change in her.

You don’t want the old R back. Good. Craft a better one. Live a better one. It’s a slow process, and one which W is likely to be suspect of. And maybe even you will likewise be wary. Of course, you kind of currently are methinks.

Most times it feels that way. She still can't say she wants to be here. Ok. It's difficult not getting sucked into the feeling that things are normal. It's hard to detach when she is here, mostly being loving/affectionate, and wants to spend time together. Not tons of time, some time.

Turn your expectations down to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentments. And resentment builds and builds over time. Dial those expectations back, you don’t want to poison things.

I have no reason to believe she's seeing om other than at work.

Good. Now listen to the senior monk and quit carrying him around.

I guess I'm struggling to follow the rules because we are together so much and it messes with my mind when I am reminded she still doesn't know what she wants even though she acts like things are good.

Her not knowing what she wants is much better than her knowing she wants out. Right now, her uncertainty is an ally. She is open to influence.

Be the best version of you. A man only a fool would leave.

Not a doormat. Not sulking and resentful. And not a housekeeper either. Do your fair share. Maybe even more than; being retired does offer you that opportunity.

Probably not busy enough.

And do stuff. Hobbies. Projects. Things you’ve been putting off. Pick them up again.

Can you not stand to see me have this one thing that might make me happy?

Mike, happy doesn’t come from things.

I've done nothing my entire married life except try and take care of my family.

You’ve been on this journey for a while now. Long enough that certain facets of your situation are through anger, have entered into some bargaining, and some have entered into depression.

Bargaining is the last ditch attempt at feeling the old normal. Then comes the sinking feeling of depression as we face our loss. Depression is dark and one looses sight of good and happy feelings and memories.

Getting to the other side brings acceptance and a new outlook. One which quite frankly is hard to fathom while working one’s way through the bog.

Have faith my friend. Make no major life decisions based upon these temporary feelings. I know they feel strong. And they do fleet in time.

D