I think I need some help/advice/reminders concerning my situation. Let me preface this by saying we had a R talk a few nights ago. It was mostly calm with one exception. W made the comment she could still end up back with the om if we were to get a D. That upset me because it sounds like she is still thinking about him. Of course I've thought that was still the case since she works with him. I simply stated that I'm tired of being an option for her versus us trying to reconcile and that we don't have a chance as long as she's still seeing him everyday at work. I know, I know. Say it anyway. What I need help with, besides my mouth, is the feeling that we are just going to slide back into the old R and nothing changes. Most times it feels that way. She still can't say she wants to be here. Ok. It's difficult not getting sucked into the feeling that things are normal. It's hard to detach when she is here, mostly being loving/affectionate, and wants to spend time together. Not tons of time, some time. She still says "I want, to want to be here". Her exact words. I have no reason to believe she's seeing om other than at work. We have Life 360 for the family so we all know where the others are. I guess I'm struggling to follow the rules because we are together so much and it messes with my mind when I am reminded she still doesn't know what she wants even though she acts like things are good. Hit me upside the head with a 2x4 if need be. I'm just feeling lost again lately. I'm in good spirits and staying somewhat busy. Probably not busy enough. Since I'm home a lot due to retirement I feel as if I've turned in to the housekeeper. Maybe I need to back off on that because I do think it makes me appear a bit beta if I'm being honest. Cleaning, doing laundry, doing dishes, running d13 everywhere she needs to be. In a normal situation having just retired this wouldn't be a problem. Currently I think it is. Thanks for any input. One last thing: we started talking at dinner one night about me getting a bike again. Not sure how it came up. She started in again acting like I'm crazy and as if I need her permission. My response was something to the effect of "I've done nothing my entire married life except try and take care of my family. I never bought toys for myself. I had a few old cars that were cheap at the time and sold them at a profit. Can you not stand to see me have this one thing that might make me happy?" She didn't know what to say. Finally said something about me getting hurt and if I get one I need to up my life insurance. Something I realized before that convo is, she has always treated me like a child to some degree. Everything I wanted to do in the past, for the most part, needed her approval. Every purchase needed her approval. Same rules didn't always apply to her. Just a realization that came to me. I also think there is a lot of resentment towards me in general just because I'm a man. I think deep down there is a good deal of Feminism in her. I think it's only the negative parts though. She can't stand it when I can do something she can't. Anything. No matter how silly. Even things that involve strength. We used to occasionally wrestle like a couple of kids. Inevitably she would become angry because she couldn't beat me. Sometimes I would let her and then she would be pissed cause she knew I let her. I was never a bully about it. Tried to keep it light and fun. That's one example of many others I could give. I don't mean to ramble I just remembered this as I was about to post. Maybe it's meaningless. I just know it has bothered me in the past.
