I’m glad you’re keeping your emotions in check around him, well done.
Quote
H told both kids that he was in a mist and trying to not make any decisions about his future whilst he feels he can't see things clearly.
This is the LBS/WS power struggle. He doesn’t need to make any decisions because he’s getting sex from his affair person, but he knows you’re waiting in the wings ready to take him back if he clicks his fingers.
The person who wants to keep the marriage together has zero power. He’s getting the best of both worlds, why would he rush?
Quote
Son said he is "whipped" by the OW (I think this is teen talk for being obsessed).
This saying is normally preceded with a part of the female anatomy. The urban meaning of it is that your husband is so weak and desperate to have sex with her, he is being a beta and will do whatever she says. It’s a pretty offensive term.
Quote
How does he get to see what he is missing with us /me when he has no contact with me?
Humans (especially weak, mid life crisis cheats) crave what they can’t have. You’re available to him. He knows you’re ready and waiting. That’s unattractive. Why chase after you, when he already has you in his back pocket for safe keeping?
The counter argument would be if you want him to see what he is missing, then drop your own bomb - file for divorce, throw his stuff out in the street, change the locks, and get a boyfriend. Unfortunately, that’s bad advice and also counter to DBing.
The crux of this issue is the one I tried to highlight earlier. You want him to spend time with you so he can see what he is missing - because it’s what YOU want. Right now, he doesn’t want that. So even if you chained him down and spent a week showing him how great it could be, he wouldn’t see it. People only see what they want to see.
“I want him to…” statements are okay for this forum. But they’re a rabbit hole to pain. You can’t make this guy see what you see, you can’t make him want what you want, and he’s not going to snap out of it.
The only way they snap out of it is if they work it out for themselves.
Waking is good, but not enough. You should do some hard exercise every day. I wrote a thread about it. Hard exercise every day is the best thing you can do to smooth the roller coaster of emotions during divorce.
Well that…. Plus listen to DNJ’s lovely, grounding advice.
