I’m going to ask a few questions and give some advice, forgive me if it seems a bit abrupt.
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and I'm so angry.
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I really want to message him calling him out for his behaviour but know that's the wrong thing to do.
Why? Why do you think you need to get angry? There is NOTHING you or anyone else can say that’s going to make any difference. One of the key rules of DBing is to act as-if and like you don’t care, because it makes them curious. You losing your sh*t at him just because you’re having a hard time managing your emotions is exactly the opposite to what DBing says.
Go for a walk. Ring up your best friend and yell at her. Go and see your counsellor and tell them he’s a massive a**hole.
Unmanaged emotions in front of spouse do not align with DB principles. You need to get that under control.
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I sort of think he is wanting me to push for divorce
Maybe, maybe not. Who knows 🤷♂️ I’m pretty sure Albert Einstein couldn’t work out what’s going on in the head of a married person having an affair and ruining their family.
Best you stop wasting your time wondering, and get on living your life.
Maybe he’s banging three women at once. Maybe he’s got childhood trauma. Maybe he’s hiding it from his friends. Maybe maybe maybe… what a waste of time. You do you, let him deal with his steaming pile of sh*t.
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I don't know whether to try and stop S from doing this and try and smooth things or just let him get it off his chest.
Your job is not to solve your S and H’s relationship. Your only job is to facilitate time with his Dad if that’s what he wants. Trying to repair, save, foster, cajole them getting along isn’t your job. Your son is angry because your husband is being a d*ck. There’s nothing here to fix. You don’t take sides. Your son’s reaction is totally normal. It’s hard being a parent watching your child in pain, but he needs to navigate it himself and they need to manage their own relationship. Veterans who are much older and wiser than me on this website often say “Your job isn’t to repair or build your kids’ relationship with the other parent… it’s simply not to destroy it.”
Just empathise with him and be a safe space and light house as your son navigates it.
Good: “I’m sorry son, you must feel very angry.” “That sounds like a tough conversation.” “We both love you very much.” “I’ll always be here for you, I’ll always listen.”
Bad: “H is a twat.” “I’d never do that to you.” “You should…” “I don’t get why he’s doing it either.”
Come on MAS, you need to step it up a gear. Be a calm, strong, solid and rational beacon during this time.
I’ve been there, I felt like vomiting constantly for the first six months. But emotions are TEMPORARY. No matter what happens, one day, everything will be okay.
