You don't have to figure anything out today or tomorrow in terms of the next steps. This is going to be a process. Stay focused on yourself and your kids and don't worry about what he's doing or going to do.
Continue to support your kids. That's all you can do. Make sure they know this has nothing to do with them and just continue to be there the best way you can.
Agree with Joseph on this. Stay focused on yourself and being there for your kids. Just do your best. One thing you should remember is that he’s on his own road and it only has room for him. He’s going to do what he’s going to do regardless. You got this.
I'm doing OK thanks Rockon. It feels easier with him not being here. I think the fear was driven by the uncertainty of whether he would stay or go. Now the inevitable has happened, I sort of know where I stand. I'm still not convinced by the IC (I'm a Psychotherapist myself so struggle a bit with being on the receiving end!). What I will say about the IC, is that it is opening my eyes to how much alcohol was the third partner in our relationship & that has made me unhappy for a long time. I've got my parents coming to stay at the weekend and they're helping me decorate the living room. D and I have started clearing the spare room where he was sleeping. He left all his summer clothes in the wardrobe and I've bagged these up. D spoke to him yesterday & he was annoyed that these weren't left hanging in the wardrobe. She just said we had plans for the room. I flit between what the function is of what I'm doing. Whether it is to get some response from him or if its to help me and the kids move on? However, I think I'm spending a lot more time thinking about doing the latter, which is good. I'm walking every night and think this really helps with my mood (skin is also looking quite glowy!) Thanks for the check in.
Sounds to me like you are doing well, I’m just catching up on the back end so bear with me. Good job on the redecorating as it will make things easier. Sort of breathes a new life into the place and helps break his hold on it. All yours. As for his bagged clothes, he needs to get them. You aren’t his storage - let him know he has a certain amount of time to get his stuff or it will be sold/donated/burned/etc. This is for you, not him. However, don’t use that as an excuse to see him. A very good friend of mine went through a bad divorce and he left her stuff on there porch so he wouldn’t have to see her. She knew he meant it and got the stuff. Oh, and change the locks.
It may not seem like it, but you are doing well. It will get easier even if all you see are storm clouds. You got this.
Morning everyone. Hope you are all OK. I 'm a bit confused and just thought I'd check in. H moved out a week ago. I've had no contact but D has been messaging him. I know he sees OW at the weekend when her kids are with their dad. During this time, he's not responded to D's messages promptly & any replies have been one word answers. She was upset last night thinking he no longer loved her & I encouraged her to call him. When she rang, she was worried. Said he kept saying how he'd let everyone down, he was a terrible dad, husband, friend. He asked what he could do to make it easier for her & she just said she wants him to want to be with her. He (again) expressed regret, wished he'd gone to marriage counselling when I previously suggested it (pre affair). He asked her to tell me he is thinking about me all the time. I believe he is still consumed by the affair & all the excitement this brings but wondered how I deal with this info? My gut tells me he has been backed into a corner and doesn't know which way to turn. He wants us but also wants the OW & doesn't want to upset her. Do I trust the process, which definitely feels counter intuitive. Everything in my heart is pulling me to reach out to him. I am avoiding doing this and plan to continue but am I giving the OW time to set her store with my husband while I sit back and appear not to care? I'm so confused. I'm also worried that he is depressed and may find himself in a terrible situation albeit of his own doing. I still really love him & want him to be well (with or without me).
Last edited by DnJ; 03/06/2302:40 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
I'm sure he is feeling guilty. But if he wanted things to be different they would be, and he knows that too.
Keep encouraging your daughter to reach out and have a relationship with her dad. Be there for her if he continues to falter, but don't get involved.
And please remember he very well may miss his kids, but that doesn't mean he misses the marriage, so for now he's going to take that as pursuit and pressure which as you know is counter productive to what your goal is.
Hang in there
Last edited by JosephS; 03/06/2303:10 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Trust the process. It will definitely save you. And it’s gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.
H is being pulled in several directions at once. He wants the kids, you, the OW. He wants peace and he wants the excitement of the affair. Imagine his internal pressures to drive him to such mixed up decisions and choices.
Time and space. Lots of these lost souls move out to find more time and space. Remember it’s not about you, or you not giving enough space, or pressuring him; he feels pressure all the time. His moving out is him running from his pain(s). And him on his own, away from you and the kids, he will feel his torment. And maybe start to face it.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Everything in my heart is pulling me to reach out to him.
Follow your mind. Your logic and reason.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I am avoiding doing this and plan to continue but am I giving the OW time to set her store with my husband while I sit back and appear not to care?
She is a symptom. The partner in an illicit affair. Continue to remain out of that nest of vipers. When it blows up, H is going to have to deal with the fallout on his own.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm so confused. I'm also worried that he is depressed and may find himself in a terrible situation albeit of his own doing. I still really love him & want him to be well (with or without me).
Yes, he is depressed. Desperate to find an answers to his depression. These folks incorrectly equate sex with happiness and the affair takes hold. Desperate folks do desperate things.
H is in a terrible situation. And it is of his own doing. Let go and give him to God. H needs to hit rock bottom.
You can love him. Pray for him. And hope he is well. All while focusing on you and your life.
Have you read Eagle3’s threads? She’s on the Midlife Crisis forum. An inspiring story and person. A worthy read.
Hang in there MA.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks Joseph, DnJ & Ready 2 change for the link. I've read Eagle3's threads. It's scary how long she continued, what a brave woman. I'm not sure I could keep going in limbo land for that long. I've been talking to different people and they are really helping me see some of the downfalls in H's behaviours during the marriage. I'm not sure I would want it back looking like it did even if he did.
We've been radio silent for a week today (he moved out last Tuesday). I had to send him a message about childcare today but kept it very formal and sent via email rather than text. He's not responded, not sure what I do if he doesn't respond? It was about going to a uni open day for S(19), who originally wanted to go with his dad but doesn't anymore so H / dad will need to sort evening meal out for D while I take son. Hoping I get a response without having to chase. I would rather have remained no contact but as I said, it was a very formal email with no niceties.
