DW, I don't know how to answer that, because I've obviously not been privvy to the conversations. That said, here's some suggestions:
* Never throw w under the bus
* You can say that you're sorry daughter feels x, y, z, all the while reminding D that her mother loves her.
* You can try to help D find a bigger perspective on this, if that's applicable. In my case, I have no compunction about throwing my ex in laws under the bus. They created this mess, we all know it and have been open about it for years. My son's never met his grandfather because my exh cut him out of our lives 4 years before we had our son. Son knows exactly what I mean when I say, "Look at the role models your dad had as a kid. He may be doing a lousy job, but he's definitely doing the best he can and treating you better than he was treated."
Some thoughts. Take what applies, leave the rest.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Things have been mostly uneventful the past week and I've been pretty busy. Only a few little updates to my sitch.
W did take D18 with her to IC last week and it went as expected. The IC and W tried to convince D18 that she doesn’t know what’s actually going on and nothing her mom is doing is wrong. D18 wasn’t buying it and let them know that. She said she voiced pretty much all of her concerns and didn’t shy away this time, which upset her mom. She told me the IC is terrible and is probably causing more problems than she is helping with. I told her that she can’t control that and to just focus on her relationship with her mom. One positive thing she told me was that they asked D18 to find a neutral person she can go to when she is mad at me and a person she can go to when she’s upset with her mom, that way she isn’t going to each of us with her concerns about the other one. I just made sure D18 is comfortable with the people she chose and she said yes. Neither W nor I know who she picked, which is also good. D18 was invited back whenever she wants, but I don’t think she plans on going again.
I got to watch D5 and D7 playing indoor soccer. As I mentioned previously, OM has a child playing in the same age group. D18 had already told me about it, but W didn’t know that I knew and decided to wait until a few days before their first game to tell me. She said something like “I’m just letting you know because you might cross paths, and they’ll play against each other and I don’t want you to cause a scene.” I told W she can take care of the team for the remaining games. It’s frustrating because I set the team up, I socialize with the parents and I was supposed to be coaching them since their regular coach got sent out of state for work. But I’m choosing not to put myself in that position and will find other activities to engage with the kids.
I still have not received a parenting plan or and other paperwork from W. Not sure why I still expect her to meet her self-imposed deadlines. She originally thought we’d be D’d in November. She’s still in the house until we have a legal parenting plan. We did separate one bank account and our phone plan. Our other bank account will be split as soon as W fills out a form for a direct deposit change. I printed the form right after we left the bank. It’s still sitting on the counter.
A thing I’ve been thinking about recently is in regards to W dragging her feet on things. At what point do I just start pushing things forward. I am in no hurry to move on and W moved on long ago. In some ways it benefits me to let things drag on. It keeps some stability in the house for the kids for the time being, especially until D18 goes to college. And if the market goes to crap, it’ll be way easier for me to keep the house after D. I guess there aren’t really any cons to my situation as long as I can emotionally handle things. Valentine’s Day hurt, but it felt a little like closure. Or another step toward detachment at least. Maybe I’ve answered my own question. It’s tough juggling wanting to move forward with letting things play out. Doing nothing is sometimes doing something. But sometimes it feels like delaying the inevitable. But at least it’s a choice that I get to make. I’ll let the month of March play out and see where things go from there.
As far as my GAL, it’s going great. A chaperone from the soccer trip invited a few of us, including W, to a trivia night at a local brewery with her friends. I was the only one who went. Didn’t know anyone else, but met some cool people and had fun. They go every Friday so I have that option whenever I want, which is nice. I got back into my running program and finished week 10 and I finally signed up for my half-marathon which is in 2 weeks. I think I will start up the Insanity workouts again after my running is done, and actually finish it this time. When the weather improves a bit, I’ll be able to start doing a bunch of hiking too.
That’s pretty much it. I hope everyone is doing well.
I forgot one more thing, there's been a few times since my sitch started where W was trying to act like her old self. You could tell it was draining on her just being upstairs with the rest of the family doing "normal" things like cleaning, watching a movie or taking care of D5. It was like she was forcing herself to do it and could only last a couple of days. Since her last IC, she's gone back to trying to be a good mom, but it feels genuine this time.
I know one of the things D18 said to her at IC was that she just wants her mom back. That was D18's reasoning for telling her cousin what was going on also - to get her mom back. I'm assuming that's what caused this change in behavior. It's nice because I haven't felt like a single parent for the past week. It doesn't impact anything regarding us, but it's nice to have her interact with her own children, even if it ends up being temporary again.
I'm doing okay. I've noticed I've been less patient and more angry with W lately, so I've been trying to distract myself from that by keeping busy. I’ve got some indoor vegetable/herb starters going. I’ve got my half marathon coming up on Saturday. W and the girls will be out of town this weekend visiting W’s cousin (the cousin who found out everything through D18) so I’m trying to figure fill up my weekend. I’ve got several options with friends, family and potential new friends, just trying to decide on what exactly I want to do. I’m juggling a few books again and finding it hard to dedicate time to them. I’ve also been trying to help S19 with getting a new job and I have to plan a trip with D19 to go visit the college she is going to next year.
I have almost completed filling out D paperwork. It feels increasingly likely that I’ll be the one to file. W refuses to take action on anything and it’s getting increasingly harder to live like this. I don’t know what she’s waiting for but I increasingly look forward to the relief of moving on. I think I have a good plan in place to be able to keep the house, but it depends on whether she’ll agree. I struggle with the balance of waiting things out and taking action to avoid delaying the inevitable. Since Valentine’s Day I’ve had a hard time thinking of any kind of positive thoughts toward W. At home I don’t want to see her, talk to her or even hear her voice. And I keep feeling a need to let people know what’s going on with us. It’s hard to keep all of this to only a handful of people. But I know that time will come and until then I have to do what’s best for myself and my kids.
I still plan to hold off on any decisions this month and reevaluate if my feelings have changed at the end of the month. But yeah, I wouldn’t say I’m doing great, but I’m doing okay.
I’m still following your thread, but I’ve been pretty quiet here. How are things going with you? Seems we are both experiencing feelings of anger these days. I hope you are finding productive ways of handling it as well.
Sounds really challenging DW. Great job with what you are doing to be well and healthy! And a 1/2 marathon - impressive!
I can appreciate holding off and going through feelings while nor rushing into big decisions. Same here!
Lots of things are going well for me here. Most noticeably I’m going deeper with God and His work in me and I’m connecting well with our kids and close friends. Going through enormous challenges and intense emotions including lots of anger. Not hiding from it or pretending but staying in charge of how I express it. Nature is a good place -thanks to BF for highlighting that and intense exercise too - thanks Kind.
Thanks for checking in Rock. Work/home have been pretty busy, but I should have plenty of free time at both places now. I’m back to not posting much, but I’m still doing well. I have been waiting to see if my feelings would shift back toward wanting to stay with my wife and they still have not shifted. I think Valentine’s Day kind of broke that for me. It’s weird that W cheating on me wasn’t necessarily a deal breaker, but rubbing it in my face on that day by bringing a gift and flowers from OM into the house caused a pain that I don’t know that I’ll get over. I will forgive someday, but I don’t think I will ever want to be with her again. If that changes, I’ll go from there, but that would take a lot of work from W that I am not anticipating. And that assumes she ever decides she wants to be with me again, which I’m not confident in either.
There has been some recent changes as well. This weekend I went with D18 to visit the college she is going to. While out of town, W moved out and is staying with a friend about 30 minutes away. I had anticipated this prior to leaving, so it wasn’t a shock. It’s honestly more a relief.
She also sent an email describing her preferred parenting plan. It is 50/50 with a rotating 2-2-3 schedule. I was comfortable with everything described in the email except for her wanting it in the plan that D5 is not to be alone around my family. There is absolutely no basis for this, so I’m not sure why she continues to bring it up, but I will not sign off on anything with that verbiage. I’m not sure if she can even do that. I know that whatever plan we start with is likely to be the plan that is set moving forward, so I want to run it by the L first.
I am also planning on initiating the D paperwork ASAP. I’ve got a good start on it and need to talk to my L about a few questions I had. W is supposed to be meeting with a L in a few weeks as well, but she still has not completed filling things out, so I plan to be the one to start the process. If nothing else, striking first may help with me being able to keep the house rather than selling it.
I am at peace with separating. It was kind of nice not having most of her things in the house when we got back. I also got my exercise area back so I am starting up the Insanity workouts today. I’ve stayed in constant communication with the kids about things and they are doing okay with it. I’ll continue to monitor and support them.
D18 had a lot of fun on the trip and is excited to go to school there. I had fun exploring the downtown of the city. I was only there for a night and the next day, but I got to check out a lot of stuff. Watched some March Madness at a few cool sports bars. Took a bunch of pictures of the cool scenery. The travel was a mess with delays and a canceled flight, but made it through all of that. I’m excited to have a schedule for things now rather than the unmet expectations that come with IHS. I may feel different in a week, but so far this seems to be what acceptance is supposed to feel like. An increasingly larger part of me is excited for the future. Just gotta make sure I can keep the house and I think the rest will fall into place.
So yeah, some big changes, but they just happened in the last 2 days while I was gone. I’ve been staying busy and continuing to build my social network. It continues to be awesome. I've been smiling for days.
Thanks again Rock for checking in. I still follow things on here and it seems like you are still battling some things as well. I see that you are spending a lot of time with your kids. Are you also finding ways to expand your social bubble? Next to exercising, that has been the single best thing I’ve found for helping with detachment. So keep pushing through man, I’m rooting for you!
