J, something I learnt. No one truly knows how they will react, or what they will do, until actually faced with the situation. Any first time situation really, not just martial strife. And often our ideas end up not being as black and white as we thought they were.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
JR, this won't make it hurt less, but they is always someone else involved. Even if it's just in the walk aways head. We once had a poster whose wife left him because she was convinced she was destined to be with a famous country singer.
As others have said, this changes nothing. Unless infidelity is a deal breaker for you. If it is is be very careful about backing down from that. Backing down from that as a deal breaker teaches her you're willing to change your boundaries for her. I know it's hard to think clearly when you're reeling like this, but if you've ever made it known that you won't put up with cheating, putting up with it will just set you up for more pain later.
Keep posting, we're here to help you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, last night was something else. The kids were FaceTiming her while she was in her hotel room and we heard a man’s voice and a quick “oh s***” before silence. When they asked who it was she said it was the tv. Yeah, right. I think the kids bought it as they didn’t say anything but “oh, ok.” But I didn’t.
You have 100's of choices on what to do. Anywhere from ignoring to doing something that land you in jail. The best choices is in the middle someplace. If you play chess, you will know there is always a best move, some good moves, some bad moves, and some blunders. I believe the two extremes are both blunders. As far as the best move, MWD is our expert, but she doesn't post much anymore. You have to figure some good choices from the input from us (if that is what you want).
My understanding is woman can't be attracted to a man that they do not respect. So if your goal is to attract your wife back from this OM, then it is important to gain her respect during this. Most likely requiring lots of changes in the way interact with her. Will most likely feel uncomfortable for you at first as well.
My understanding is also that we men are the "protectors" of our families. Hindsight may give you some insight into some ignorance on your part. Most here have done a poor job at protecting the R during the marriage, myself included. There are good ways and bad ways to go about this going forward.
Anyway, how's the MBR coming alone?
Enjoy the weekend.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks to all of you for the kind words. A most sucktastic day. I called her today and she spilled it - it was the guy from her past - the one I mentioned where they lived together. She is currently in GA now and due back next week. Our talk was fairly short and to the point. She informed me that the divorce will go ahead and that this is the chance she’s wanted since they split up.
As for me, I’m about as good as I can be. I knew something was off, and while it hurts like nothing before, I’m also kind of glad that sword isn’t over my head anymore. Not sure if I’ll ever be right as she destroyed my trust. Now, as for the affair - I’m as angry as one can be but I also know what’s at stake. I won’t do anything stupid to jeopardize things. I went from wanting this to work to not caring. But don’t get me wrong, there’s a dark hole in me that I’m not sure will ever be filled.
It’s all about the kids now and how I can be their lighthouse. As much as I am theirs, they are my port in the storm. Maybe one day I can come out the other side. The kids are setting up our movie night and they want an all nighter. We still do the same ritual that we have done since they were very little - making pallets on the floor, popcorn, and movies. They are my life.
The question was put to me about if affairs are deal breakers. I’ve thought about that and have come to the conclusion that they are. This isn’t the first trip out there she has done, this makes number five.
Hey JR, way to go! Be angry and don’t sin. Get into it with your all nighter with your kids in that port. Now is not the time to go out to sea for a battle. Be strong and be cared for too. We are here for you. God bless you
Tagging on Cadet's posting about this is according to script. Yes, it is. Generally, they begin distancing themselves from us, then the kids, pets, home and old friends and family. If and when they begin to come to their senses and start to wake up, the reconnection will be in the exact opposite order.
They have to distance from us and the children because they don't want to feel guilty or have second thoughts about what they are doing. In crisis, they go back in time to a place where it all the hurt or lack of validation began. Once they get back to that place, their journey has begun and need to figure out the why, what if, etc. of how they feel. They need to learn that they are not at fault for what transpired back then. Childhood drama plays a huge role in all of this, but depression is the number one factor that travels with them throughout.
All you can do is be the best parent you can be for your children. Let them know that you are there to listen and encourage them. Right now, believe it or not, you are the sane parent who is their lighthouse in the storm. Keep the focus on you and your children and dig deeper for patience and understanding.
Let time do it`t things. Keep eyes on your road. Do not stop walking. You are not alone.
From a former WAH, been there, done that...
Patience and self respect first.
Be strong man. You are gonna be the sane parent for some time.
It’s all about the kids now and how I can be their lighthouse. As much as I am theirs, they are my port in the storm. Maybe one day I can come out the other side. The kids are setting up our movie night and they want an all nighter. We still do the same ritual that we have done since they were very little - making pallets on the floor, popcorn, and movies. They are my life.
One day you will come out the other side. Matter fact you are already working on this.
I hope movie night went great. Once me and my kids get the movie picked it’s clear sailing from there.
Today ground yourself and know all the unknowns will work themselves out. Yesterday I had to do two mile walks twice to deal with my wondering mind. It works.
I have been reading up on gratitude and how it’s a learned behavior it’s not something hardwired into our bodies. Unlike negative thoughts which is something that’s hardwired into our body from our ancestries. And that gratitude relieves stress and anxiety and makes us happy. They had an exercise that a person could do called gratitude check. you could do by yourself or with someone else. I started doing it with my kids. if any of us start saying negative things someone can say gratitude check to the person and that person has to list 10 things that they are grateful for and specifics about it. It’s a fun activity. My daughter loves it and I actually feel really good after doing it. something to consider with your kids or yourself. Some things that I was grateful for yesterday was a beautiful day for a walk in the wilderness with my my dog that’s been by my side through this, my new shoes that made my feet feel so good when I was walking. My counselor that every week tells me how great I’m doing and reminds me how much I have improved, how much this forum has helped me when I don’t know what to do so I just get online and read, write/journal, receive advice from such wonderful people I’ve never met before, the nice meal I had for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants how good that food was, etc..
Originally Posted by JllyRgrs
The question was put to me about if affairs are deal breakers. I’ve thought about that and have come to the conclusion that they are. This isn’t the first trip out there she has done, this makes number five.
Here were some recommended books on this forum for Infidelity:
"NOT Just Friends," by Glass.
"Surviving an Affair," by Harley.
"After the Affair," by Janice Spring.
Please take anything I say here or leave it. Just someone that care’s, definitely is not a SME in this area and trying to help.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
