Quote:

Linda,

I was planning on calling you for a chat tonight, but I opted to take out my misery on Mr. Wonderful. I will still call you (but not tonight)--tonight, you have been spared! Ooh, ooh. Can anybody get on your call list?

Nothing like crime and interior design to take my mind off of my life.Tell that to Martha Stewart!

I finally got the gonads to start asking the questions I knew would provoke him.
Has he not answered your letter?

One of them was if he really was hoping I would just get sick of this and file. He said, "I don't want that, but after almost 17 months I know you're not going to do that because you have changed. A LOT."
Betsey, I know your situation is different than most of ours in that, for a long time, he DID think YOU were going to leave. So that may have meant that he needed assurances from you in the beginning that you would not walk..but now I need to ask. Could it be that he is taking his time because he feels SO secure that you are here to stay? Have you ever gone on to give him the true sense that you are moving on? LRT and dark?

He figured out that what had not worked at home was also not serving him at all well at work. Great. This is a real plus and I think my H is getting this, too. But I have to ask. How is he addressing this? How does he plan to break his patterns?

And he shared with me the numerous similarities. All of them shared a theme of either doing everything himself (and resenting others for not being able to read his mind about what he wants) or how he sees himself lacking control.

He also told me he realizes how bad his conflict avoidance affected me and his coworkers. WOW!
.
He mentioned he didn't know if he could ever love me again.
But what des that MEAN? Look at his actions lately, are they the actions of someone who does not love?

He said, "You mean the reason I decided you were the one I had to marry?"
"I thought you were pretty, smart and a lot of fun. We shared the same values and we both wanted the same thing from life. And I really loved your sense of humor."

Me: "What has changed?"

Silence for at least 2 minutes.

MW: "Hmmmmm. It appears that those reasons are still true."
Handled expertly! Well done, Betsey.




Nothing to add except, I hope that he moves more quickly towards that light. I know their fear of making a mistake by coming back is huge. After all, it took them some time to get the courage to leave in the first place and now, well,can they ever be certain that coming back will work for them. And they really DO worry about causing us the same pain all over again. Bless their little alien hearts.

Betsey, I am going to try to VISUALIZE Mr Wonderful coming through your doors and calling out with certainty, "Honey? I'm home!"

mayafool
maya's thread