Call It What You Will

[HaWho]

Well, clearly it’s been quite some time since I have been here. I had to go look up my password, something I once had committed so fully to memory. And then my old thread had a 100 posts so I needed to start a new one. Looks like I am rusty as I posted just the link to the old thread in my first post vs. my update with it.

I have been meaning to check in here for a while. I started reading some threads in Newcomers and wow, so many of the posts/advice people are receiving is spot on. In one of those threads Bttrfly posted my thread alongside Caliguy’s and that was strange to see—like a bygone era. I read back a little bit and was just so shocked at how good the advice was that I was being given. But I also found myself laughing a lot. Man, was my ex ever nuts!

In reading back I also saw Job finally received an apology from her ex. That was nice to see. Though it looks like it took 20 or so years! Certainly it doesn’t change anything but it does offer some vindication.

I am coming up on the 8 year anniversary of my second BD! I have really limited contact with my ex. We email on things relating to the kids and (mercifully) that is it. S19 has virtually no relationship with him and to punish S (really me) ex won’t cover any non college related bills. S had surgery last year and stuck me with the whole bill. He’s a real class act.

S only comes home to my place on breaks. He did not see his father for XMAS this year nor last year. This year, ex was sending him very punitive/guilting/“I can’t believe you are going to leave your father all alone on XMAS” messages. I had s15 for the day but with S19 being an adult he expected him to run over there to spend the day with him. He does not seem to see the damage he did to their relationship. In fact he was indignant.

I encouraged s19 to take the high road, which he did; he bought him a gift and said he’d drop it off after XMAS. In true mature fashion ex then withdrew his invitation to see him altogether for that break, said he loved him and he was always welcome at his home but just not this break?!?!! Um, ok. Not sure how that makes him “always welcome.” He also did tell S19 that he barely has anyone who will spit on him if he is on fire.

One day a few months ago, ex drove S15 to an appointment only to discover I accidentally gave him the wrong info. for the appointment and they weren’t able to go despite driving there. A few hours later he emailed me and wrote tan email message to me with this endearing word he used to use if I sent him on any sort of wild goose chase of an errand. It was one of those secret words in our private language that I am sure many couples have. He wrote “four years post divorce and I am still getting (endearing word).” It really weirded me out. It felt like I had seen something that I should not have. I closed my laptop and never answered. Considering all he did to me, my kids, all our lives I am surprised that he thinks there is that kind of joking/intimacy between us. I certainly do not feel it.

I still talk to my ex sister in law who is married to his brother. On a recent visit back, ex was bragging to her and his brother about all the women he’s been sleeping with. He mentioned he slept with a woman from x foreign country?!? Not sure why that’s brag worthy. Sounds like his notches in his bed post are categorized by country. They both told him he is going to catch nasty stuff.

Last thing on him: months back in a text I mentioned to my ex mother in law that ex had been severely depressed years prior. I told her that there was a time period where he mentioned suicide. She told me that when he was a preteen she found a note under his bed where he wrote he wanted to kill himself. (She had brought in abusive men for years and my ex was physically abused. Maybe more than that?) She told me she put the note back and pretended she never saw it. That broke my heart. I was astounded that she wasn’t scared, that she wasn’t moved to seek help for him. I wondered how things could have been different if she had sought help for him in those early years of his life. Heavy stuff. She had a heavy heart about it. I listened but found I could not say it was all right. It really wasn’t.

As for me? I cannot believe my BD was so long ago. I am so thankful to be through it. I have peace and quiet and dignity back to my life. I think of this place and the people here: Job, Cadet, Bttrfly, KML, Ginger, OwnIt, DNJ and so, so many others who no longer visit here but have left their marks.

May you all find the peace you deserve.