This weekend was fairly uneventful. She started sleeping in the other room. Is what it is. I may put up some of my Navy photos that I had in my office. No real talk that would amount to anything this weekend. She leaves on her trip Wednesday. I’m trying not to think about that. One thing I have noticed is she has been taking more trips within the past year than ever before. It’s funny, she’s been at her job for over 10 years and has accrued a lot of vacation, but right before BD I tried to schedule Us a vacation with the kids but she said she didn’t have enough time to use. The amount of time I knew she has used did not even come close to what she’s earned. Sigh. Another thing that’s been bothering me.
I took the kids to our favorite hiking place yesterday. We had a great time. The kids didn’t say much about their mom other that they wish she’d get off her laptop/phone and pay attention. I told them to ask her to do stuff but I guess she’s busy. Oh well. My heart breaks at the thought of them being upset.
I haven’t snooped since time I posted about it on here and I’ve been trying hard since her bags are packed in the other room.
Let me ask everyone a question: for those of you who’ve had spouse that cheated, how did you react? And how did your family react at the news of BD? I honestly don’t know how I’d react if it came to light that she was seeing someone…and I’m not sure I would tell my family about that part.
Last edited by DnJ; 02/27/2305:26 PM. Reason: Corrected wording.
“ Let me ask everyone a question: for those of you who’ve had spouse that cheated, how did you react? And how did your family react at the news of BD? I honestly don’t know how I’d react if it came to light that she was seeing someone…and I’m not sure I would tell my family about that part”
I addressed it directly and calmly with W right away upon my suspicions. She said she was not ready to talk about it. I voiced my anger safely and calmly and that I needed to talk about it and for it to stop immediately. Explained that I was not ok with any infidelity, cheating or affairs and that I would be safe to talk with her about what is going on.
W moved out and I made efforts in our R, including some pursuit but then learned to work on detachment and looking after myself.
I have not told any of my family about the cheating and not any of our kids. Our kids are all having a difficult time with W leaving and their respective R’s with her.
When I discovered that my xh was cheating, I was furious! I did all of the wrong things until I came here and learned the principles of dbing. Once I got a handle on my emotions, I came to realize that I had absolutely no control over what he did, but I can assure you, when he kept crying the blues about leaving, one night, I came home and told him that he could leave. He sat on that sofa and cried like a baby. Two weeks later he was gone. Once he was out of the house, everything came to light and I went into business mode.
I didn't have to tell my parents and sister what was going on for they had caught a glimpse of him on the road with the barfly in the vehicle. Looking back now, I laugh at the all nighter that my mother and I pulled packing up all of his stuff in those nice black plastic bag luggage. He used every excuse not to come pick up his stuff. I gave him a week and if he didn't pick the stuff up, it was going to the dump. He knew I meant every word of that. It took us 2 1/2 years to get divorced because he kept dragging his feet and yet, blaming me for all of the delays. Once it was over, I was finally free of the stress and looking over my shoulder and asking myself "what's he going to come up w/next".
I have read that sometimes it's better not to tell too many people what is going on w/the cheating, etc., as it makes it harder for them to come back. Others have made a point of tell their parents because the questions do tend to pop up as to what is going on, etc. You have to decide whether you want to tell them or not.
As for your children, it is difficult for them to understand and I certainly hope that they do not think that they were responsible for her leaving. At some point, it all will come to light. The best thing you can do is not to talk to them in a negative manner about their mother. Your children are smart and they will figure everything out and they will need to determine what kind of relationship that they want with her.
Treat your situation as a business deal gone wrong. Keep tabs on your bank accounts and credit cards if she still has access to them. I wouldn't discuss anything with her except for the bills, etc. She's gone for now and she really does need to find herself. For now, keep the focus on you, your life and your family. Some day, she may regret what she's doing...but for now....she's off in la la land.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think the hardest realization that I’ve come to is that she’s on her own road and it doesn’t have room for me. That hurts. But I’ve kept myself busy in the meantime. I find that I’m able to immerse myself in my hobbies to clear my head. Between that and the kids I think I’m doing as well as I can for now.
I went for a long run and workout this morning, which really clears my head. And I’ve learned that I can keep myself busy and concentrate on the tasks at hand. It’s the nights that are the worst…that’s when thoughts invade because sleep isn’t easy to come by these days. I think I’ve counted everything on the ceiling/walls so many times that I’m starting to categorize them.
At night I often find myself going back to earlier times and I sift through everything trying to find what went wrong. Every time is the same. Our relationship was very good, or so I thought. We rarely fought but every time we always made up. Our decisions were always mutual - if either wanted something, go somewhere, etc., we always discussed and agreed. Never any bad. That’s why I am so confused and was totally blindsided.
It was after BD that she started saying stuff like I held her back or it was my fault when things went wrong as they always do. Everything became my fault. And she told me that she never should have married me.
I learned in the military to compartmentalize things. That’s coming in handy now. Thanks for letting me talk.
My only advice is to make sure you are moving forward with your life. Don't stand still and wait. Doing that tells her you are solidly in place at her back up plan. Your only chance of saving your marriage is to get her to see you as high value. To be high value you cannot be her plan B. So you move forward with your life, improve in every way you possibly can, and let her feel like she is losing you. That is the only way to get her to question what she is doing.
When my wife wanted a divorce, she was dug in on that point as long as I was trying to hold on tight. When I let go and dropped the rope was when she started questioning what she was doing. As long as she feels like you are cemented on place as option B she will not question what she is doing.
Last edited by DnJ; 02/28/2302:15 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It’s the nights that are the worst…that’s when thoughts invade because sleep isn’t easy to come by these days. I think I’ve counted everything on the ceiling/walls so many times that I’m starting to categorize them.
Talk to your primary doctor and see about sleeping pill options. I had these pills that would put me out 30 minutes after taking them. I would wake up 8 hours later.
Counting down from 100 by three's worked well for me until I memorized the pattern. Doing the simple math task is what relaxes the mind. I could be asleep before 80. Sometimes I got to zero and had to start over (or a higher number).
Google "Progressive Muscle Relaxation Steps" and do it at the same time as counting.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Let me ask everyone a question: for those of you who’ve had spouse that cheated, how did you react? And how did your family react at the news of BD? I honestly don’t know how I’d react if it came to light that she was seeing someone…and I’m not sure I would tell my family about that part.
My only advice is to make sure you are moving forward with your life. Don't stand still and wait. Doing that tells her you are solidly in place at her back up plan. Your only chance of saving your marriage is to get her to see you as high value. To be high value you cannot be her plan B. So you move forward with your life, improve in every way you possibly can, and let her feel like she is losing you. That is the only way to get her to question what she is doing.
When my wife wanted a divorce, she was dug in on that point as long as I was trying to hold on tight. When I let go and dropped the rope was when she started questioning what she was doing. As long as she feels like you are cemented on place as option B she will not question what she is doing.
Hi SteveLW! Thanks for stopping by!
So true! Excellent advice coming from one of the best groups I’ve ever been part of - I may not contribute much (yet) but this place feels like where I should be.
Your advice is spot on. I’m trying to get to that level!
