Catching up on your sitch, Rockon. I don’t know how you do it. You seem to have it together, man. Have a question and I may get hammered about this, so if I step over please forgive me. Since there is at least one OM, why are you wanting her back? Cheating is, well, the ultimate disrespect in which the she has zero respect for the marriage and you. I’ve seen people saying that cheaters can’t help themselves, and that’s a crock - they know exactly what they are doing. And since that trust was broken in such a brutal way, it can’t be regained again because that will always be in the back of one’s mind. A leopard never changes its spots. Take my sitch, for example - I’m here because I want to save my marriage and make sense of it all. However, if she’s cheating, that’s it. Take care, brother. I value your comments.
I don’t want her back like this and I don’t want to go back to how things were. I am not ok with cheating at all. I want to be the best man I can, take care of my family and have a great life. I hope for our M to be restored and I need to heal.
I agree with boat. I know it’s difficult to resist family time. But your wife gets to cheat and have family time. Why would she want to change this situation? She’s got the best of both worlds .
This is a really important question and one I am wrestling with. I might need to make changes here. In IC, I decided to go ahead with some family time with W, without expectations and in ways to promote my own health and well being. Will continue to evaluate.
Originally Posted by Rockon And I’m enjoying life without her too.
Tell us more about this Rock. The newbies need to read it and the rest of us would like to know too
So, I have come to appreciate the gift of time and space. At BD I really didn’t get it and I was in fight/flight mode and disoriented trying to seize what I was losing. A lot of pursuit. I have learned that I need to be settled peaceful and well. I have been working on this for months and months but Honestly, it has been going better for me since just before Christmas. My friends and family are noticing and W has been commenting several times how much she is enjoying doing things together and all the things I am doing for us to have peace and fun.
I am paying attention to this and doing more of what is working while staying on track to do it for me. And I realize that I really like myself so I enjoy my time away from her. I like having days of no contact with her. I question my motives before reaching out and have eliminated so much unnecessary and unhelpful smothering behaviours. And then I don get tossed around like a yo yo as much in my emotions.
Hi Rockon, Bttrfly is correct I’m interested in the specifics of what you are doing with your gift of time and space. Kind of like how you explain what you’re doing when W is with. What went better just before Christmas without your W. What are you doing that is working? I think it would help me more if I knew these things. Thanks and hope your day goes well.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Hey Dats, I have been using time and space for me. At first when I was learning about it I thought I was doing it for W giving her space and it’s true she said she wanted space so I was respecting that. But I learned from these boards the ideas of giving her more space than she is asking for and having the gift of time for me.
So I am taking big breaks from worrying about W and her behaviours and living my life instead. Not reaching out to her checking my intentions/motives before doing so if I thing it’s necessary and then using less words.
And if she and I do talk or spend any time together, I am settling my nervous sure before with regulation/relaxation skills and not focusing on W unless we are speaking with each other. In that case I focus on listening and being present and not reacting.
