W comes across as so incredibly stressed and that is very difficult for me to see. I have enjoyed seeing her relax and enjoy herself with our kids/family - not eldest S yet mind you. And she has remarked about how enjoyable, peaceful and fun it has been. And from time to time she has a big reaction to me, vents. I listen don’t argue and ask her at times to tell me more and she does. I might say I can see you’re upset or I hear … I am standing up for myself well if she gets disrespectful, i speak up and say I need to be treated with respect. This is more of an 180. And I’m enjoying life without her too.
W said that she is working on respecting my boundaries better. She referenced a time recently that I stood up for myself when said I was not OK with being insulted after she had insulted me. I actually had to say it twice but just yesterday she said she has been thinking about that and wants to make those changes to respect me better. She also told me that she recently ended a friendship with a man who was not respecting her boundaries.
Conclusions, analysis? Not much. I just need to keep on track of paying attention to what is working and doing more of that, focussing on myself not trying to “nice” her back. GAL. Continuing to make a lasting changes for who I need to be.
And from time to time she has a big reaction to me, vents. I listen don’t argue and ask her at times to tell me more and she does. I might say I can see you’re upset or I hear …
Validation is important, especially to a spouse who may have felt you didn't really listen to them for years prior to BD. Not saying that's one of her complaints, but if it is, great 180 there.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am standing up for myself well if she gets disrespectful, i speak up and say I need to be treated with respect. This is more of an 180.
Excellent! Boundaries are for you, not just her, and standing up for yourself is definitely a boundary. It gets attention, and is remembered.
Originally Posted by Rockon
And I’m enjoying life without her too.
Tell us more about this Rock. The newbies need to read it and the rest of us would like to know too.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
W said that she is working on respecting my boundaries better. She referenced a time recently that I stood up for myself when said I was not OK with being insulted after she had insulted me. I actually had to say it twice but just yesterday she said she has been thinking about that and wants to make those changes to respect me better.
There ya go, from the horse's mouth. Well done friend. Keep standing up for yourself. You're earning her respect back. Essential. People do not want to partner with someone they do not respect.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She also told me that she recently ended a friendship with a man who was not respecting her boundaries.
Friendship? Or potentially more?
Originally Posted by Rock
Conclusions, analysis? Not much. I just need to keep on track of paying attention to what is working and doing more of that, focussing on myself not trying to “nice” her back. GAL. Continuing to make a lasting changes for who I need to be.
"Letting people be wrong about you or a situation while keeping your peace and focus is the most misunderstood power move you will ever make." Morgan Richard Olivier
I'm loving this quote. It's so true. Keep it close, read it often.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Originally Posted by Rockon And I’m enjoying life without her too.
Tell us more about this Rock. The newbies need to read it and the rest of us would like to know too
So, I have come to appreciate the gift of time and space. At BD I really didn’t get it and I was in fight/flight mode and disoriented trying to seize what I was losing. A lot of pursuit. I have learned that I need to be settled peaceful and well. I have been working on this for months and months but Honestly, it has been going better for me since just before Christmas. My friends and family are noticing and W has been commenting several times how much she is enjoying doing things together and all the things I am doing for us to have peace and fun.
I am paying attention to this and doing more of what is working while staying on track to do it for me. And I realize that I really like myself so I enjoy my time away from her. I like having days of no contact with her. I question my motives before reaching out and have eliminated so much unnecessary and unhelpful smothering behaviours. And then I don get tossed around like a yo yo as much in my emotions.
“Originally Posted by Rockon She also told me that she recently ended a friendship with a man who was not respecting her boundaries. Friendship? Or potentially more? “
I don’t know. I am not snooping. But from her hints etc, I speculate that this is not OM1 but someone else she is talking about. I think it might be a playboy kind of guy that she befriended (inappropriate relationship in my marriage boundaries for my wife to have but she is not answering to me and is doing whatever she wants and I am not trying to control her at all). She told me the other day, “you have no idea what it’s like as a woman dealing with inappropriate behaviours from men.” I told her I believe her.
And there have been hints that there is trouble in paradise with OM1. But it’s not clear and I am leaving her to her own devices there. My impulse is to rush in and fix and save but this is not the playbook.
In any case, I perceive it important for me to keep GAL, be not boring, and continue to give W more space than she is asking for.
I am not trying to suggest that any of this is easy for me in fact I am going through a lot of painful emotions and grieving and learning from mistakes. I intend to keep learning and growing. And some parts of DB are making more sense to me.
A big takeaway is to slow down, breathe, get support to survive and go on to thrive.
“Originally Posted by Rockon She also told me that she recently ended a friendship with a man who was not respecting her boundaries. Friendship? Or potentially more? “
I don’t know. I am not snooping. But from her hints etc, I speculate that this is not OM1 but someone else she is talking about. I think it might be a playboy kind of guy that she befriended (inappropriate relationship in my marriage boundaries for my wife to have but she is not answering to me and is doing whatever she wants and I am not trying to control her at all). She told me the other day, “you have no idea what it’s like as a woman dealing with inappropriate behaviours from men.” I told her I believe her.
And there have been hints that there is trouble in paradise with OM1. But it’s not clear and I am leaving her to her own devices there. My impulse is to rush in and fix and save but this is not the playbook.
In any case, I perceive it important for me to keep GAL, be not boring, and continue to give W more space than she is asking for.
Inappropriate behavior is not a boundary of your. W continues to have inappropriate behaviors with other men and iss awarded with family time. Boundaries are not about control that are about what you allow to happen to you.
