The kids went to spend the night at their grandparents so it was just us. I tried small talk by asking how her day was. I should have known better - it was like walking into a freezer. She barely said two words. So I went for a run and when I got back she was on the phone, smiling. And when she saw me she said gotta go and hung up.
I then made the mistake of asking who and if daggers were stares she’d have shot them out of her eyes and just said her sister. I told her to tell her hi next time and went and took a shower. Later she informed me that she has another trip that will take about a week. I will say this, she’s a corporate recruiter for her company and does that from time to time. But the way she said it gave me chills.
Anyway, I let it go because I don’t think prying will work. So I went back to one of my models and let her do her thing. I don’t exist anymore to her, anyway.
The thing is, I tried communicating on an even level, but she wouldn’t have it - just short basically yes/no answers. It’s like I was bothering her. But I guess I am the enemy.
A very difficult and uncomfortable evening. You seemed to handle yourself well and aced it in my mind JR. What did you like about your responses and actions, what did you learn about yourself?
"Letting people be wrong about you or a situation while keeping your peace and focus is the most misunderstood power move you will ever make." Morgan Richard Olivier
Polite, no questions.
Treat her as a room mate you barely know.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Stop acting like the man she's leaving.
Do a 180
ex. you come in, she's on the phone, rushes off. Go into the kitchen and get yourself a glass of water. Don't acknowledge her or her phone call. Don't be a jerk, if she says something to you, reply with a vague but civilized answer.
"I'm going away for a week"
"Thanks for letting me know," said in a neutral manner, like you don't care one way or the other.
Walk away, go take your shower or work on your models ... whatever solo activity.
Do you see the difference?
Last edited by bttrfly; 02/25/2309:39 AM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
The thing is, when I’d try to engage, ask, etc., I’d always get shot down. It truly was like I was the enemy, so I retreated into my world because being constantly treated that way is very taxing.
We are both early risers, so I made her favorite blueberry pancakes this morning and she actually said thank you! Some small talk ensued but nothing. She left for her morning run. I’ve been thinking maybe I’ll ask her if she wants to go swing dancing tonight - that’s her favorite although we haven’t done that in quite some time. That was her favorite.
The same friend that told me about the road said to treat her like a butterfly in your hand - squeeze and it kills it so you have to leave your hands open hope it alights on its own.
I hate this. No one is perfect, but I feel I’ve been a great husband - always attentive, never neglectful, always there for her, etc. She was the same, and then seemingly overnight she changed. I’m just lost.
A very difficult and uncomfortable evening. You seemed to handle yourself well and aced it in my mind JR. What did you like about your responses and actions, what did you learn about yourself?
Hi Rock!
It was a very tough evening. I think I need to try to be more open but not pushing. It’s hard when the other person sees your attempts as prying/bothersome/etc.
Not sure what to make of this, be she informed me last night that she’s going to move into the spare bedroom. When I asked why, she said we are no longer a couple and she doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed anymore. She also said she’s going to start looking for apartments.
I asked her what about the kids and she said they need to know and that they’ve seen she’s unhappy. How do I handle this?
I'm sorry about the latest events. So, she's moving into the guest bedroom. This is not unusual at all for those who are in crisis. Try to remember, that this journey is not about you, but all about her and what she thinks she needs to do. I wouldn't say another word to her about the move. Just sit back and enjoy the primary bedroom without tension for a while. Listen, your wife is going to say and do things to get a reaction out of you. Why? She wants reasons for what she's doing and just as long as you remain calm and not react, she then has to question herself about what she's doing. Remember, the less you react, the better.
Now about telling the children....if she wants to do that, then she needs to be the one to explain to them why all of this is happening. Yes, you can be there too. But, she needs to do the heavy lifting in this. Do not make it easy for her. She needs to learn that life out there in the world is not a bed of roses and the sooner she experiences life and grows up from being sweet 16 again, the better.
Right now, she thinks freedom is going to be all rainbows and lollipops. When she discovers that she has left a nice home, a great husband and a life that was comfortable, she may eventually have second thoughts. If she moves out or she opts to start paying her own bills, she is running and with running, the routines will eventually catch up with her and yes, she will need to cook, clean, pay rent for an apt., etc. You will not be there to catch her.
Please, do not take what she says and does personally, it is all about her. Projection will become the norm for her as she can't look herself in the mirror and say it's her. It's definitely not you, but her. Also, she's going to start spending money on things and she may very well become the mirror opposite of the woman you knew pre-crisis.
Hang in there. Come here if you have any questions. The door is always open.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry to hear this. Accept that you can not change her, only you. If you love her, support her, even if you disagree.
As far as the children, I hope you dug down into the quotes thread and read some of the past discussions. As job said, let wife do all the heavy lifting. Think really hard if you want to use the "we decided" path or the "Mom decided" path... IE wife says "I have decided to move out".
Best thing you can do is embrace the master bedroom as your new greatest space. Be supper excited that you can now make it the way you want it. Make in manly. For example: Paint the walls black. Put in red mood lighting. Pictures of airplanes or cars or battleships. Theme it out. Go get some manly bedding that compliments the look you are going for. It should be something YOU really like. If she questions you, a simple "I like it" or "I decided this looks better" etc.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712