I hate to keep piling on however I agree that the sex should stop. Let me give my perspective as a guy: You were in a sex starved marriage by your own admission. He betrays you. Now he’s getting all the sex he wants and then some. Then he still leaves to go visit the OW. Basically you are rewarding him for his bad behavior. Not only is there no incentive to change, he probably thinks he should have done this sooner. He is still planning to leave and probably thinks he will stop by for booty calls at that point. Some of the best sex my W and I have ever had was during the worst part of our situation. The night before she moved out may have been the best. Emotions were high, it felt so right and I honestly thought the connection was strong enough that she couldn’t possibly leave. She did, 24hrs later. From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in the span of a day. I’m only saying this to give you a guy’s perspective. I understand your fear. It’s paralyzing and you will try anything to make it go away. Letting him use you, abuse in my opinion, will eventually kill whatever self esteem you have left. You deserve better. Please consider stopping.
Yeah. I think I probably need to go stay with a friend in order to detach in that way. I have a very very hard time saying no to him, as I am also enjoying myself. I have been very VERY careful to stress to him that this is a temporary, friends with benefits type arrangement, and that I'll be moving on soon. Which seems to make him rather desperate for me and even much more ready to initiate everyday conversations, etc.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
I guess it terrifies me because it seems so final. I love him with all my heart and even worse, I can't stand the thought of my kids going through this. My own parent's divorce left me scarred my entire life... I'm begging God every day to not let that happen to my kids. They are so secure right now and he is about to rip everything out from under them.
honey, your kids have someone you didn't have - adult you, who has seen the worst side of divorce. Don't you think that your experience as a child has prepared you to parent your children differently should a divorce happen?
think about that, long and hard. You're uniquely qualified to keep them secure in the midst of whatever happens, but only if you ground yourself first - detach, to the best of your ability. It's a process. Baby steps first.
Also, you've mentioned leaving. You may be harming yourself in the long run if you do that. I know you don't want to think about this, but find out if there's something called abandonment in your state, and if you went to a friend's for a few days would that be considered you leaving the marital home. You may need to consult a lawyer. My point is, don't do anything that could potentially put you and the children at risk long term financially if the worst case happens. Is there a spare bedroom you could move to?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I don't even know what to say to him to begin detaching in that way.
Tell him you’re just not in the mood. As much as it’s been happening recently, that should be perfectly acceptable. You don’t need an excuse for what you do with your body.
I guess it terrifies me because it seems so final. I love him with all my heart and even worse, I can't stand the thought of my kids going through this. My own parent's divorce left me scarred my entire life... I'm begging God every day to not let that happen to my kids. They are so secure right now and he is about to rip everything out from under them.
Rejoice two things.
One, divorce isn't final. No more final than marriage is. Lots of divorced couples end up getting back together. The problem with being terrified of it is that fear, not strength, informs your decisions. Fear is never a good reason to do something or not do something.
Second, moving towards divorce is sometimes the only way to bust it! I know that is counterintuitive but I can vouch for it. It wasn't until I embraced moving towards divorce that my wife started to question it herself. After insisting that divorce was what she wanted, no questions asked.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't even know what to say to him to begin detaching in that way.
Tell him you’re just not in the mood. As much as it’s been happening recently, that should be perfectly acceptable. You don’t need an excuse for what you do with your body.
"I will not sleep with someone that is involved with someone else."
Remember, keep these exchanges short and to the point.
Last edited by SteveLW; 02/26/2303:16 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
"I will not sleep with someone that is involved with someone else."
You can( but don't have to but should) state this boundary. But the more important part is to live it. Get it in your in your core beliefs and values. You enforce it by your actions.
I really like how LW stated it. It was about you and not them. Much better than "I will not sleep with you while you are with her" type statements.
As a side note. We all have different lines in the sand. When I was single, my line was "Married women are off limits". Probing questions I could find out if the "I have a boy friend" was real or not. Was it a test? Sometimes. Was she living with a guy? If so, then "off limits". Dating is a different topic than we are discussing here, but determining the character of other people is another good skill to have. A found lot of married people acting single during my single days.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
