Im with you. Please post as much as is helpful and I would recommend posting a lot and processing. And don’t apologize if you dont have your thoughts and emotions sorted. No one here expects that.
Thank you. It is very helpful, even if it’s just little stupid things.
Last night was uneventful. She was very quiet and glued to her laptop, which has been the norm lately. I didn’t pry but noted she’d cover it slyly when I came near.
She didn’t participate in game night with the kids claiming she had a headache, but her laptop had her attention. No matter. The kids and I had fun.
We didn’t have much interaction, I stayed positive and as upbeat as possible trying not to go overboard. Ugh. I did make dinner - blackened salmon with was legit! I’m proud because that’s my first time. Little wins for my psyche right now.
Well guys, my over worked brain got to me. The fact that she tried to hide her laptop has been eating at me ever since. I broke one of db’s cardinal rules about snooping. And I’m not happy I did. Ugh. I found the name of the guy she dated/lived with before we met.
In naming our kids, I chose the first name and she chose the middle. Just so happens that middle names match. Not a fan of coincidences, but this is one hell of one. Should let it go or ask her?
In my opinion, you should let it go. You do not want her to know that you've been snooping. Listen, the more you snoop, the more you will find. The more you attempt to talk to her, the more she will tune you out and be that much more determined to do what she needs and/or wants to do. Trying to reason with her will not help, it will only push her further towards the OM.
I realize it's driving you crazy with what she is doing or not doing...we all have been right where you are. We are all fixers who want to fix things, but right now, you can't rationalize with her. She's off in la la land and will be there for quite some time. She's on a high thinking that she's hiding what she's doing. Just leave her to it, because you can't control her or her actions. The only person you can control and how you react to what she is or isn't doing. The less you say, unless she is abusing the children, the better off things will be.
Keep the focus on you and your family. Give her the space and time to get her act together. Continue to come here to vent and/or ask questions. For now, again, let it be.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am all in favor of snooping if you can handle what you find. Most can't, so that is why we strongly suggest not to snoop.
Originally Posted by JllyRgrs
Should let it go or ask her?
Do not reveal anything about what you know and how you found out. "We both know that is a lie." is a great way to deal with any deception. In this particular case, I would STFU.
During this stage of the process, you need to be completely focus on your personal growth and the positive changes to the way you want to interact with her (and more important everyone else).
Take this time and look deep into yourself and figure out what issues you have. There are some deep subconscious issues we all have to figure out and deal with and make changes. This is a good time to do that.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Catching up on your thread now. Sorry you're going through this, but it's a great group of people that have a lot of good advice that will help you over time. Taking the advice is hard, especially at first, but I believe the quicker you are able to apply the advice, the less you'll beat yourself up for not taking it. Learn from the mistakes of others.
So onto snooping...If I could do things over, I wouldn’t have done it. It drove me crazy at times, made it hard to sleep, and didn’t solve any of the problems I was trying to solve. One example - W caught me driving by her friend’s house one morning where she said she was spending the night. I was trying to get confirmation of whether she was there or with the suspected OM at the time. She just happened to be outside on the phone right as I drove by and I had no reason to be in that part of town. I owned up to it, but it created more problems and solved none. My W was in fear that I was always watching. Maybe some guilt created that fear, who knows, but I still didn’t trust her afterwards anyway and she still ended up sleeping with OM. I probably just picked the one weekend she wasn’t lying about where she was at.
I knew not to snoop, but at night when I couldn’t sleep was when it got to me. I’d recommend having a plan in place for when (not if) your head starts spinning in those situations. A place you can go, or an activity you can do, to help put your mind at ease. A shower, long drive, post on here, anything to keep from doing something you may regret.
Job - thank you for the wise words. I know your advice is spot-on, it’s just so hard to do anything. Ive read a lot of your posts and responses to know your advice is truly wise indeed. Thank you for stopping in!
DnJ - your statement about her path is perfect. I have a friend who told me that she is on her own road and it doesn’t have room for me. That I need to do for me and the kids. Thank you again!
Ready2 - you’re right, being tight-lipped is great at this time. I’msure it will come out when it’s ready. It’s the waiting the makes it hard.
DW17 - like you said, I regret doing it. But I couldn’t help it. Not sure what I’d do if I found out she is having an affair and/or our kid is named after him.
Thank you all for responding. I feel as if it’s a brotherhood here.
I knew not to snoop, but at night when I couldn’t sleep was when it got to me. I’d recommend having a plan in place for when (not if) your head starts spinning in those situations. A place you can go, or an activity you can do, to help put your mind at ease. A shower, long drive, post on here, anything to keep from doing something you may regret.
Very wise. Have a predetermined plan.
Something I found really useful - my support group. A couple of really good friends I could call anytime day or night. Folks who knew my desire to stand and who promised to hold me to task, to help me when I called, to remind me of what I was working to do when my emotions dragged me off course.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Something I found really useful - my support group. A couple of really good friends I could call anytime day or night. Folks who knew my desire to stand and who promised to hold me to task, to help me when I called, to remind me of what I was working to do when my emotions dragged me off course.
It is. Mine is in the form of an old shipmate whom I’ve known for years. I try to keep my family out of it - so far. Yet I feel that time is coming.
My friend keeps me pointed into the wind, although he’s the one who told me to look. I’m keeping what I know close to the vest. This part is very sucktastic. One day at a time.
