How was breakfast with your Mom? Did you set, or mention, a follow up get together? I found best intentions need to be scheduled. If I left the supper and movie nights with my Mom to fate, there’d be far less of them. My schedule gets filled up. So, I need to ensure I fit in that which is important. The big rocks first. The little sand-type stuff will filter in. However, if I filled my time with the sand first, I ain’t getting any rocks into my schedule.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Back to the subject at hand-anger. The hardest thing about being angry is the guilt. How can I be so mad at someone I still love so much. Causes me to question if I really do love her that much. My heart says yes. My mind questions that because of my anger.
Love is a strong passion. Which will inspire other strong passionate feelings, including anger. You can be so mad, because you do love her.
Consider a few things: Are you mad at her? Her the person? Or are you mad at what she did? Or is doing? OR are you mad at what is presently lost or changing in your life? The security, family, and such.
Anger is a normal grief response. I realized if my W had died in some accident, I’d have similar mad feelings, and she’d not be the cause for she’d have not done anything. Therefore, my angry feelings, my love, all my feelings, are mine. Born within me.
Anger is an outward expression of one’s grief. When that expression turns inward, that’s depression.
Your heart says yes. Your mind questions. It’s normal and part of the path. You’re doing fine man.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ-Breakfast was good. My favorite uncle met us at the restaurant. They get along well and the two of us have always been close. No follow up on the books. We will do lunch in a couple weeks though for sure.
Good questions about the anger. My first thought is that the anger is because of things that are happening now. Realistically it’s probably all of the above to one degree or another. Somedays she seems so much like her old self, sometimes for multiple days. Then she seems to want nothing to do with me. Of course it’s my fault for letting it get to me and having expectations. It’s so difficult when we are together and it feels normal and good again, only to have reality slap me upside the head. I blame her and of course she’s not intentionally “doing” anything. It’s just the current reality. Easy to say when I’m not in the heat of the moment.
Last night W was questioning me because I left before came home from work to go fishing. I picked up d13 from softball and then left again after feeding her supper. W was on the way home from the gym and I headed out to get a beer and tacos. She felt I was avoiding her. I started off on the right path just saying I just wanted to go fishing and then later I wanted to go out for awhile. She was skeptical and that lead to a talk about the R and things that have been bothering me lately. I know better. I screwed up. The only “positive” that came from it was her saying she wants to be with me and isn’t thinking about D. She’s just terribly unhappy. Did not try to “fix” her unhappiness so I at least did that right. I texted her a short message this morning apologizing for upsetting her last night and left it at that.
was her saying she wants to be with me and isn’t thinking about D.
Well now, that is a positive.
See if she follows up with such things again. Or better yet, her actions start indicating that. And by the way, it’s ok to reinforce/encourage positive behaviour. After all positive begets positive. Be authentic and sincere; and not over do it.
Something simple like, “I’m happy to hear that W”.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She’s just terribly unhappy. Did not try to “fix” her unhappiness
Good for you. Just acknowledging her feelings will speak volumes.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I texted her a short message this morning apologizing for upsetting her last night and left it at that.
A tip. When an apology is warranted, don’t just apologize for how she feels or felt. Apologize for what you did. “I see you were upset. I’m sorry I vented like I did.”
Has she responded to your apology text?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
was her saying she wants to be with me and isn’t thinking about D.
Well now, that is a positive.
See if she follows up with such things again. Or better yet, her actions start indicating that. And by the way, it’s ok to reinforce/encourage positive behaviour. After all positive begets positive. Be authentic and sincere; and not over do it.
Something simple like, “I’m happy to hear that W”.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She’s just terribly unhappy. Did not try to “fix” her unhappiness
Good for you. Just acknowledging her feelings will speak volumes.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I texted her a short message this morning apologizing for upsetting her last night and left it at that.
A tip. When an apology is warranted, don’t just apologize for how she feels or felt. Apologize for what you did. “I see you were upset. I’m sorry I vented like I did.”
Has she responded to your apology text?
D
Thanks for the positive comments. I did in fact apologize for my my actions not how she felt. She did respond. Simply thanked me the apology. Kids will be gone when she gets home so we will hopefully have a quiet evening with no R talks. I definitely won’t be instigating any R talks.
A lot of DBing LBS would hear her unhappiness with you “avoiding her” and going out for beer and tacos. So they’d apologise and start being more available.
But that’s the opposite of what they should do. You’re going out, having fun, being independent - and she’s noticing.
Remember DBing - what you used to do didn’t work. You have to try something else!
And I think the fact she’s noticing and asking where you’re going and what you’re doing is actually a very good sign! Keep doing it.
Getting ready to head out and do something that is a major 180 for me. My mom and I don’t have the best relationship. Honestly, none of my siblings have a good relationship with her either. Last night I texted her and asked if I could take her to breakfast this morning. So I’m about to head out to get her. Might not sound like a big deal. It is for me. W asked what I was doing today. When I told her she shocked. She asked “What in the heck brought that on?”. Told her I need to make the effort, she is my mom. Not doing it to impress W or get any kudos from her. Part of this journey involves me being a better person and this is something I feel I need to do. Need to spend more time with my mom, not just today. She makes it hard though. I’ve always loved my mom. She’s just hard to be around at times. 🤞🏻
MikeP. Hopefully your visit wet ok and you set your expectations low. I get this, I understand why it’s a big deal. My brother doesn’t talk to my mom anymore. My sister never goes back and visits my mom anymore. She only has her come visit her and I have guilt after every time I visit. Never meeting her expectations. It’s because of my mom‘s low self-esteem that never let her move forward in life and living through her children that caused her not to have a healthy relationship with her children as adults.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
A lot of DBing LBS would hear her unhappiness with you “avoiding her” and going out for beer and tacos. So they’d apologise and start being more available.
But that’s the opposite of what they should do. You’re going out, having fun, being independent - and she’s noticing.
Remember DBing - what you used to do didn’t work. You have to try something else!
And I think the fact she’s noticing and asking where you’re going and what you’re doing is actually a very good sign! Keep doing it.
I’m sure me getting out and GALing is one aspect. She’s unhappy with everything in her life right now. Nothing is fun. Has no desire to do much if anything. I can’t fix that and until she decides to get some counseling I guess she will continue to be unhappy. Thanks for the encouragement.
Keep your GAL and focus. You can't change or fix her, that's true, but you can lead by example, be kind, yet not a Persian carpet for her or anyone else to walk over, and she may find the courage to do the work she needs to do on herself to find peace and happiness.
You don't need to apologize for GAL, you've done nothing wrong.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
