Honestly I'm so lost and depressed and anxious that I just obsess and hurt most of the day. I barely know what I'm doing anymore. Everything is confusing and overwhelming and painful. I am going to work harder at getting back to me. I'm going out the next three nights. I'm going to get a couple of tattoos that I've been wanting. You are right.
Something you will hear repeatedly is to exercise. I’ll say again, get out and exercise daily. Multiple times daily if you can. Walking counts, going for a long walk helps me even when things seem ok. Strenuous exercise is better. It’s easier to quiet the voices in your head if you are struggling to breathe 😁. I’m still new to this, 10ish months in, so I’m no expert. I can tell you that I remember exactly how it felt in the beginning. I thought I would go crazy. I didn’t and things got better, slowly. I am in a better place than a lot of folks but that doesn’t mean it was or is easy for me. You will probably get tired of being told to GAL,180, etc. It’s understandable because it seems counterintuitive. It works. I’ve gone backwards the last few weeks because I haven’t followed the advice given here. The difference is like night and day. Before I found this site I was a miserable mess. DBing helps us survive the insanity. Might not save our marriage, that’s ok. It saves us, helps us move forward one way or another. I’m sorry you’re going through. We’re all pulling for you.
I spoke to him today, casually, about moving forward. I mentioned dating and things of the kind. He became noticeably jealous. We spent a long time together this afternoon after that, laughing and talking. It was a good time. i think he went to OW's apartment afterward for half an hour or so. I don't know how I'm supposed to survive this.
This was a tough read. You sound like you’re really struggling.
Rejoice - I want you to think of yourself as an addict.
Your addiction is wanting to do and say normal things with him (like talk, laugh and pretend it’s like it used to be). That’s what LBSs do. They crave normality and what they’re comfortable with, so they make any and every excuse to get that short term dopamine high - such as having fun interactions with their spouse, or by making them jealous. And deep down, they know it’s bad for them. We see LBS after LBS who come here, and admit they need to have barriers and boundaries, but inevitably they come back a few days later with their tails between their legs - saying they kissed or talked or held hands … and now they’re spouse has disappeared back to crazy town or affair partner, and they are broken and depressed all over again.
You need to realise that every time you interact with him and try to force things to feel normal, it will be good in the short term - but very bad long term. You’re a drug addict who gets a short term dopamine hit and then falls off the cliff with huge withdrawals and a hangover.
The same thing will happen again if you allow it. You’ll try to draw closer to him, you’ll be nice, or intimate, or buy him a gift… and then he’ll smash your heart on the rocks the next day.
Please stop having these interactions with him. Talk to your IC about having boundaries in place to protect yourself. You need to break this addiction, because it’s only ever a short term high.
I spoke to him today, casually, about moving forward. I mentioned dating and things of the kind. He became noticeably jealous. We spent a long time together this afternoon after that, laughing and talking. It was a good time. i think he went to OW's apartment afterward for half an hour or so. I don't know how I'm supposed to survive this.
You need to stop sleeping with him immediately. He's sleeping with her too. That puts you at risk for STDs. This is a health issue and you shouldn't be gambling with your health!
As far as being terrified of him filing, why does that terrify you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Get the ball rolling on detaching. I know it goes against everything you're feeling right now.
If you are happy, healthy, content and thriving all without him, that is what will get his attenion.
Stop sleeping with him. Not only for physical health reasons, but it's damaging as he's made it clear he's using you, and you are taking it as more.
03/06/20 is my bombaversary. It's almost been 3 years. It kind of feels like yesterday and 10 years at the same time. So when I tell you that I never imagined I'd be this happy, or that I'd ever actually get here, I mean it. But I am so grateful for what happened because I really learned who I was during this time. I learned my real worth, and saved myself a ton of issues later in life. I never got back with my ex, but I could have several times. You'd be surprised how often that happens.
Keep focused on yourself. Live in the moment, and don't worry about tomorrow. Today has enough to worry about. Is there an old passion project you can lose yourself in? An old hobby you lost touch with you can focus on?
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I guess it terrifies me because it seems so final. I love him with all my heart and even worse, I can't stand the thought of my kids going through this. My own parent's divorce left me scarred my entire life... I'm begging God every day to not let that happen to my kids. They are so secure right now and he is about to rip everything out from under them.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
