I spoke to him today, casually, about moving forward. I mentioned dating and things of the kind. He became noticeably jealous. We spent a long time together this afternoon after that, laughing and talking. It was a good time. i think he went to OW's apartment afterward for half an hour or so. I don't know how I'm supposed to survive this.
This was a tough read. You sound like you’re really struggling.
Rejoice - I want you to think of yourself as an addict.
Your addiction is wanting to do and say normal things with him (like talk, laugh and pretend it’s like it used to be). That’s what LBSs do. They crave normality and what they’re comfortable with, so they make any and every excuse to get that short term dopamine high - such as having fun interactions with their spouse, or by making them jealous. And deep down, they know it’s bad for them. We see LBS after LBS who come here, and admit they need to have barriers and boundaries, but inevitably they come back a few days later with their tails between their legs - saying they kissed or talked or held hands … and now they’re spouse has disappeared back to crazy town or affair partner, and they are broken and depressed all over again.
You need to realise that every time you interact with him and try to force things to feel normal, it will be good in the short term - but very bad long term. You’re a drug addict who gets a short term dopamine hit and then falls off the cliff with huge withdrawals and a hangover.
The same thing will happen again if you allow it. You’ll try to draw closer to him, you’ll be nice, or intimate, or buy him a gift… and then he’ll smash your heart on the rocks the next day.
Please stop having these interactions with him. Talk to your IC about having boundaries in place to protect yourself. You need to break this addiction, because it’s only ever a short term high.
