MA how was your therapy session? And how are you today? What is something delicious and nutritious you have eaten?
Hi Rockon, thank you for the check in. I've been a bit up and down today (see below). I ate a chicken sandwich though, which I enjoyed. Therapy session was OK. She brought some things to my attention about H and how he has been relying on me for more than just financial. It was a bit strange because I felt she was vilifying him and I felt quite protective of him so a bit odd. Got another session booked next week.
I've been avoiding here for a few days because I did something really stupid. H came up close to me & we ended up in bed, which was very enjoyable for both of us but an absolute no no in terms of DB. I sort of only half regret it & that's why I've felt funny about coming back on here. I've said before that our marriage was sex starved, which was my fault. Since the big drop, strangely my libido has returned in full force. When he came on to me, I wanted him but I also wanted him to see that I was the person he fell in love with. Not surprisingly it has made no difference and he was sloping off to the OW tonight in between my D's ballet run! He's still stalling on moving out. He found somewhere that he said he could go to if he finds nothing else but he doesn't really want to move their because its not that nice. I refrained from saying anything.
Just becareful. Between you saying your libbo is back and he's relying on you, to me I'm wondering if he knows you are "deseperate" and willing do to whatever to keep him happy and there so he's taking advantage of it.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Just becareful. Between you saying your libbo is back and he's relying on you, to me I'm wondering if he knows you are "deseperate" and willing do to whatever to keep him happy and there so he's taking advantage of it.
Hi Joseph, I completely agree with you. He's moving out next week and whilst that will be really painful. I am getting so sick of his lies, manipulation and gaslighting. He's a different person than the man married and loved & that's really messing with my head. It hurts to know he's choosing to pursue her but equally there is no relationship for us at the minute & I genuinely believe he won't hit rock bottom where the gravity of his actions are realised until I stop supporting him. I really wish I wasn't in this situation. Had a good old cry with my walking buddy whilst out tonight. That's definitely a positive, I'm managing to walk 4-5 miles every night and really enjoying it.
H came up close to me & we ended up in bed, which was very enjoyable for both of us but an absolute no no in terms of DB.
You may want to think deep on this. Everyone has their opinions. I believe all is fair in love and war. Next time he initiates, ask him if he has protection. Have fun with it. Send him off to get some. If he questions it "Now that we are single, it is best that we protect ourselves" or whatever.
This is just one choice out of an infinite number of other options you have.
Keep up on the walks.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Been feeling really down over the past few days. It's like reality has hit. H is moving out next week. He has spent all day yesterday and today with OW and then comes home around 7pm. He goes to spare room and just drinks. He looked shocking this morning before he left with bloodshot eyes. I suppose I always felt when the crunch came, he would leave her and choose us. This is despite everything I know and have read. It all feels so hopeless and final. I've tried to keep busy with D today but everytime my mind returns to what is happening, I'm back crying. I just wish we could turn the clock back and speak to each other before he chose to wreck everything by sleeping with another woman. I'm sorry if the post seems full of self misery, I'm just struggling.
Please don’t apologize for being honest here and telling it like it is. We are here for the real, MA and you are accepted. It is reality that you are struggling and you will get through this. It is normal for you to cry - let it out feel it and give yourself time to be in and and then do something good for yourself. Make some refueling comfort food, focus on your D and yourself, get support from close strong friends. Even though it’s real and it feels hopeless there is hope.
Well, he moves out tomorrow. I don't know how I feel, probably a bit numb and worn out with it all. I think I've been in fear mode and now the thing I was fearful of is happening (albeit by my own making). Had IC today and said my boundary had to be that if he wanted to be with OW then he needed to move out. I couldn't/ can't cope with H saying he's off to hers whilst being under our roof. Counsellor brought up about his alcohol use and also asked me to think about what other boundaries I need if we ever did move towards R. Definitely not having any talks with husband about this. My current feelings are that he has hurt and used me enough. Not sure there is any coming back from it. I know I'll be ok if that is the case, I just don't want it to be.
I'm not sure of next steps from here. Our S(19) has told him he doesn't want to see him other than at football game. D16 is trying to pin him down to regular contact but he's avoiding it. Do I just leave her to sort this with him? I'd prefer to go radio silent to give me a chance of recovery and fully detaching but am also worried that he won't arrange to meet with her & this would break her heart. He really has become a different man. I don't recognize him at all and have no desire to spend time with him like this.
Last edited by DnJ; 02/28/2302:10 AM. Reason: Removed name. Corrected typos.
Let the latest dust settle. And you keep moving forward.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Our S(19) has told him he doesn't want to see him other than at football game. D16 is trying to pin him down to regular contact but he's avoiding it. Do I just leave her to sort this with him?
Avoiding being pinned down seems to be a common theme for these folk. They want carefree, no responsibilities, all unicorns and rainbows; all in a futile effort to outrun whatever internal pressures are driving them.
Regarding D16, I’d tell her that her Dad’s behaviour has nothing to do with her. Continue your support of S19 and D16, answer questions, provide guidance, and gently steer.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'd prefer to go radio silent to give me a chance of recovery and fully detaching but am also worried that he won't arrange to meet with her & this would break her heart.
You can go dark/dim to H. It’s a good method for detaching and regaining one’s equilibrium.
You speaking to him, or not, will have little affect upon how much he reaches out to his kids. If he doesn’t want to see his kids, he will “find” an excuse not to.
Originally Posted by MA1970
He really has become a different man. I don't recognize him at all and have no desire to spend time with him like this.
Yes, it is incredible how our spouse changes. Their new behaviours are quite unrecognizable, not fitting with the years long of who they have been.
Stay strong girl.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You don't have to figure anything out today or tomorrow in terms of the next steps. This is going to be a process. Stay focused on yourself and your kids and don't worry about what he's doing or going to do.
Continue to support your kids. That's all you can do. Make sure they know this has nothing to do with them and just continue to be there the best way you can.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
