Hey all, Been awhile since I have posted on here. It’s been a rollercoaster some ups and some downs. On a personal level I am still working on myself, mainly growing my relationship with God, still reading a ton, doing my coaching and Al- Anon, Krav Maga and riding my motorcycle a lot. As for my marriage it has been all over the place. I haven’t been great at DBing and get pulled back by W frequently. I felt things were getting better she mentioned wanting to start dating again, we talked about building a foundation on honesty and trust. We Had a few good weeks. She even opened up about the guys she talked to in AA, there were 2 that she stated. The last one is 22 years old, crazy. She was even opening up about her counseling and how they have been talking about how to slowly bring back physical and making sure both of us are have clear boundaries in place, etc. I didn’t take this as her wanting to come back to the marriage, but a start in the right direction. This weekend everything has gone backwards. She told me the last couple weeks were pretend and that she isn’t sure she wants to start dating,and thinks she just wants to be friends. Tonight she told me that her feelings haven’t changed and that she wants to be on her own, raise the kids on her own, not be married, doesn’t want any relationship, hates our house, etc. I totally fell backwards I’m all of my DBing. I think I just got excited that the interest was peaked and started to see a little bit of my old wife back. This time it didn’t hurt as much when she said these things, I think I expected it. It’s posted all over these boards. I know I need to get back to DBing, I hope it’s not too late. I do feel like I have been standing for my values and principles, working on being the lighthouse. I am trying to live with integrity I’m everything I do and just do the next right thing. Here is to getting back on the horse.
Great to hear from you FM. Great work all of the ways you are keeping in track and moving forward in who you are and want to be. It is really difficult and exhausting I imagine getting wrapped up in W’s chaos and flakiness. How are your friendships and family going ?
Thanks for the reply R2C, Good weeks to me are peace in the household and meaningful conversation. I do not have high expectations, but any growth toward the relationship I have looked as progress. I let myself get too hopeful, this is the first time it has happened where she was talking about working on the relationship and potentially dating, etc. I realize that this could happen again and today is today. In answer to your question on friendships, I have been busy with kids and haven't been out with friends the last two weeks. My family has been good, S6 is extremely stable right now, worried about him with what could be coming. D16 had prom this weekend which was awesome for her.
Today I am going back to DBing by the book and started reading DR again. The conversation last night included her giving me her reasons for not wanting the marriage, which to sum it up was, she wants to do everything herself, ie take care of the kids, make her own money, do her own laundry, etc. She also said that she tried the last 2 weeks to love me, but can't make herself. I thanked her for honesty and left it at that. This morning I spoke with an L and she recommended offering her to pay a deposit and two months rent to see if she would move out. This is the second time I have heard this from two different L. When she came downstairs I told her that I thought about what she said and that everything she described she wanted was possible in the marriage. The only thing that couldn't be done inside the marriage is other people, so my assumption is this is part of the reason she wants to leave. I told her that just because she hasn't been physical with these people, that I could not be a part of talking and texting others inappropriately. I proposed what the L stated and asked her if I did this would she go? Her answer was I don’t know, I don’t have a full time job yet. I want to talk to my counselor. Now as I think on it this could come off as controlling and I still don’t want to pay for anything for her to leave, but I put it out there. Part of me is hoping she accepts and part of me is not. I also reset up our weekly calendar for days with kids.
She also said that she tried the last 2 weeks to love me, but can't make herself. I thanked her for honesty and left it at that.
That type of answer gets you into friend zone...and that is not where you want to be.
First, she has to miss you. Second, the resentment has to fade away. Third, she needs to respect you. At some point after that, the attraction may return, then the love. Admiration is in there someplace as well.
I find that "misinterpreting" and using humor and keeping it extremely light and fun with sexual undertones is a much better way to attract than to be serious.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hey Fwd, sounds like are wives are in similar places. I made it clear to mine that I wasn’t interested in the friend zone. If we were to D then I would want some level of friendship eventually because of the kids and our long history together. As a couple though it’s not something I want. At least they are “trying”, that’s better than some folks get. Hang in there, I know it’s tough.
