Boundaries and Moving Forward

[BL42]

Mach40,

So, Saturday went well. No sex, no kissing, just came to a solid understanding of what the heck is going on..

Should you continue? Well, if you want to be just friends and not have any expectations of anything more , then be a friend. If you are hoping for something romantic? I would honestly step away. You’ll be left with unbent expectations.

What went well about it? I guess it depends on your expectations and hopes. Be completely honest with yourself and decide are you happy being friends or do you want more?

She was married, physically abusive husband. Then moved away to my area of operations, and dated someone who was abusive too. WTH guys, why?

so to be clear, she's fresh out of two abusive relationships?

Yes..

I obviously don't know this woman at all, and have no way to tell whether she was abused by her ExH or not. What I do know for a fact is you're only getting one side of the story. And what I've learned through my own situation and reading hundreds on this site is that the it's incredibly common for the WAS to exaggerate and outright lie about their Ex to justify the D and gain sympathy with the next person. Even going so far in some cases as false police reports. Therefore I've become a bit skeptical with those stories. If she was abused that's absolutely awful and there is no excuse for it. But keep in mind there's her side of the story, his side, and the actual truth. Just know you're only hearing one version - don't necessarily take it as gospel and don't let that sympathy you feel lead you to be her white knight and fix her. Maybe I'm biased and jaded due to my own sitch, so take it for what it is.

Why does someone get into two abusive relationships in a row? Probably because they grew up in a household where abuse was normalized and they don't have the normal radar to avoid those guys. (Look, I suppose it could happen to anyone once, but twice implies some issues).

And this sometimes means that a normal relationship without drama is not attractive to them. She probably has issues she should be working through with therapy. Probably best for you to just stay in the friend zone and focus your dating efforts elsewhere. Don't try to be the white knight.

Good advice from kml.

So, she is not looking for someone now. But, she said she really wants to spend time with me, enjoys having me over to her place, drinking wine and such, just wants to slow it down... I am like, hmm.. Orange flag. Not quite red..

I think I yelled at my ipad when I read “she wants to take things slow” OMG, take things slow? How much slower can you two go. You’ve been dancing around safe dating, what, near 10 times over 8 weeks? No kisses, no hand holding, no snuggling. How much slower can you go without being stopped?

I'm with DonH here....slow it down? Not sure it could go slower.

So, I know what most will say here, and bail on her and just keep in touch..

I think being her neighbor and someone to hang out with is fine. We both have similar interests, and to just shut that down would be not cool.

So Mach40, when you use the phrase "bail on her" and say "to just shut that down would be not cool"...it comes across to me as if you feel some attachment or obligation to her. You're not in a relationship. You've never kissed romantically. There's nothing wrong with saying you don't want to be just friends.

Honestly? I think it's good you're away for work for a good period of time. It'll create space. Curious...will the two of you be in touch in the meantime via phone?

There are a few things I really find refreshing with this woman. Family, Italian family values, smart, great career, independent, goal oriented, and pretty good looking to boot.

So, I will take it as a friend and just deal with the fact she is not ready, and told me, but likes to hang out with me.

It sounds to me like you're still thinking of her as a potentially romantic partner/LTR, and do have expectations, and are hoping the friends thing will develop into something more. Only you can know that for sure, but be honest with yourself.

I will not stop looking for other women, but to be honest, I am not ready and I definitely see it now.

Three questions:
1) Why do you think you're not ready? What specifically makes you think that?
2) If you're not ready, why would you continue looking for other women?
3) If she did want something romantic now would you all of a sudden be ready?

I have a few guy friends, very few as I am never here to really do things with people.

I personally think if you're really not ready to date you should focus on meeting and hanging out with other guys, not spending your time being friends with a woman you had hoped would be more.