Sorry you’re here, but glad to see you are posting. This place has been invaluable for me.
I just caught up on your situation and one thing you said stood out.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
We talked after the first week post bomb drop and I, desperate to keep him, suggested that since neither of us have a viable plan for moving out or any of the logistics of taking care of the kids, we just verbally agree to be separated but stay in the same house.
I said basically this same thing fairly early on in my situation, which has lasted about 9 months. My W said that she felt trapped and controlled. In an attempt to give her space and make her feel less controlled, I accepted that she wanted a separation, that I couldn’t do anything about it and told her I do not control you and you are free to make your own decisions. My intention was not to give her a green light to cheat, but that’s how she viewed it and has justified her current affair by saying I told her it was okay. Multiple times she has said “Even my therapist said it was okay.”
I’m not sure the advice others would have about this, but I think if you verbally agreed to do your own thing, make sure you are crystal clear about what that means for both of you. Ultimately, I think my W would have done what she wanted regardless, but I hate feeling like my poor word choice and lack of explaining my feelings about it has led to her using that single sentence to justify her cheating to her friends, her counselor, probably some family at some point, and even our teenage daughter. It was a single 2 minute conversation that I had forgotten about until months later that she continues to cling to.
