I've had numerous conversations with my son about our D and his father's choices since BD. Son is the one to initiate, and I never shut down the conversation. I do, however, always remind him:
1. that his father loves him very much, even if he doesn't always know how to show it
2. that his father did not grow up in a vacuum. our son is well aware of his father's parents' estrangement and the reasons why exh is the way he is
3. that his dad didn't have great role models for parenthood, and is always doing the best he can, even if it's not a great job ... he is still doing the best he can and doing it from as loving a place as he can muster up
Why do I constantly reiterate this ?? Here are my reasons, take or leave them as you will:
1. because what's even more damaging to a kid than a divorce is parental alienation by one or both parents. I'm not perfect. I've said snarky things about exh to our son in anger, which I've apologized for and regret to this day. but one thing my son knows is that i love his dad and have done my best to try to understand and forgive him despite the divorce, and that even though I love his dad, i've accepted where we are and am ok - he doesn't need to worry about me. my son is very protective of me.
2. it's extremely important to me that my son doesn't randomly judge someone without trying to see where that person is coming from, what circumstances may have led a person to behave a certain way .. I guess what I'm saying is that it's important to me that my son tries to see the bigger picture and put things into context whenever possible. the old we can't know unless we first walk in someone else's shoes
3. forgiveness is for my son as much as it's for me. i want him to have that inner peace which comes from acceptance and forgiveness.
4. Regardless of how our marriage turned out, this man is still my son's father. I've seen what damage was caused by my exh's cutting his dad out of his life. The damage continues to this day. I don't want that for my son. Ultimately, I have zero control over the kind of relationship my son chooses to have with his dad, but I've done everything humanly possible to keep an open road between them - in other words, I didn't and won't get in the way of their relationship. That's their business.
Rock, I think you're doing great on this front. Keep it up.
xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
BF that was so well articulated and helpful. I am going to intentionally embody that as well as I can and go there with S consistently. Thank you so much.
BF that was so well articulated and helpful. I am going to intentionally embody that as well as I can and go there with S consistently. Thank you so much.
Thanks Rock. Took some deep soul-searching on my part to get there, so I appreciate that you can see the hard work that went into this.
Don't just do this with your boys, do this with all your kids, if you want my suggestion.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I am staying on course honestly by the grace of God going for the straight and narrow and as I reflected to my eldest S, I don’t consider myself to be the best follower of Christ and I have failed and I mess up over and over but in fact it is the most important part about me. The next most important has been my M and my faithfulness to my W.
Faith is not following blindly. Nor is it being the best follower. True faith comes from choice.
What is the one thing that most defines what it is to be human? Free will.
I’ve messed up, and I’ve failed too. That’s probably the second place thing that defines what it is to be human. Lol.
Staying on course, the straight and narrow: I’d like to share something with you.
Each and every one us has good and evil, light and dark, inside. And we have free will. Choosing/following good does not mean one ignores evil. Nor does it mean one vanquishing their darkness. Those type efforts lead to struggles and inner conflict.
Goodness comes from listening to, and living the Grace of God; and understanding and making peace with one’s own inner demons. That, shines one’s light their brightest.
Truly faithful comes from free will. And free will needs to understand the dark as well as the light, so as to choose.
Vengeance, retribution, hatred, etc need to be understood; as well as compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and such. It’s interesting how dark and light one’s path is. The very nature of the human condition, I suppose. Free will. Live in the light.
Like you, being faithful is very important to me. I was faithful to my marriage and wife. And still am. Those tenets of faithfulness became clear to what they always were - me being faithful to me. The very foundation of “standing for me”.
Rock, around the same time as you are currently in your situation, I had similar questions, challenges, and doubts of myself and my faith. At the crux of it, was me needing to forgive myself.
It’s weird really, I have no great actions or deeds of which I needed to find redemption. My self penance came more from depression and some odd blame. You see, my wife had my complete and utter trust and faith in her. When she destroyed that… The things she said… Well, I absorbed it. My faith in her, my trust in her, 30 years of being each other’s support, I took it right to heart. And, I believed it.
It took me quite some time, and purposeful thinking, to transmute her poisonous words. I felt so unworthy for so long, because her words got straight into my belief system. Three decades of trust and faithfulness, she had unfettered access to me.
In my story here (it’s no longer available), I had spoken a lot of keeping my heart soft and squishy. Not hardening it to the pain. And not healing with a calcified heart. We have a small window of time when we are hurt and cut to the core. An incredible opportunity to really see what makes one tick.
I knew the man I wanted to heal into. I walked with faith to get there. Even though at times I didn’t feel it, or even had faith in it. However, I had choice. Free will. And I kept choosing that which I had first chosen. To DB. To walk the straight and narrow. To keep my word. To be compassionate. To be faithful and true to me.
It’s kind of funny looking back. When I felt the least amount of faith is when I actually followed it the most.
Anyhow, I did forgive myself. (BTW, forgiving W was easier than forgiving myself. Just in case you are finding the same.) I’ve made peace with my demons. And my ghosts do not haunt me. It’s all just part of me, of who I am.
Rock, I believe you know the man you want to heal into as well. Have faith. You will get there.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You have really crystallized where I’m at DnJ. Been having some real lows again yesterday and today but also have been able to bounce back and experience joy. Yesterday sitting with D led through pain and tears to joy. And today hearing her play music blew me away and then a great nature hike with great community was tonic.
A quiet sober reflection this morning after going through emotions in the night. I’m ok. I’m hurting and grieving and I’m ok. Sometimes I don’t feel ok and I’m not healed or where I want to get to. I am where I am and I don’t have to do anything particular about that right now. I am getting there and I have learned things that are helping. And it feels good to pass on some of these encouragements to others who may be hurting.
A quiet sober reflection this morning after going through emotions in the night. I’m ok. I’m hurting and grieving and I’m ok. Sometimes I don’t feel ok and I’m not healed or where I want to get to. I am where I am and I don’t have to do anything particular about that right now. I am getting there and I have learned things that are helping. And it feels good to pass on some of these encouragements to others who may be hurting.
Right there with you. Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.
