One day at a time.

[Rockon]

What happened later that night after the drag strip?

[MikeP]

What happened later that night after the drag strip?

Unfortunately that was about 23 years ago 😁. Don’t recall. I know what I probably wanted to happen 😬

[MikeP]

Been struggling lately with anger. The last 4-5 days have been worse. Not sure what to do. Everything W does seems to make me angry. I don’t express it to her but she can tell something is up. I fluctuate between anger and guilt because of the anger. At times I’ve been questioning if it’s worth it any longer. Tonight I was driving home from picking up supper. W was driving home from the gym at the same time. I started remembering how things were before I knew about the om and became very angry. She would get home 45-60 minutes after the gym (if she was even going) because she was going to his house afterwards. Stupid me believed she was hanging around after her work out talking to friends. Still irritated but hiding it. Something has to give.

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

First off. Breathe. Just breathe. In and out. Nice slow deep breaths.

Been struggling lately with anger. The last 4-5 days have been worse. Not sure what to do.

Feel it and let go. Let it wash over you. Do something physical and sweat the anger out of you.

Mike, your feelings are perfectly normal. Anger is a necessary part of grief. And usually occurs as things are revealed from the shroud of denial. Realize we process loss a bit at a time as our psyche allows. This is a multifaceted process. Some items you are bargaining, others are already accepted. Some things are covered in a cloud of depression, and some you are angry about. And others you don’t even realize yet with them still in denial.

Everything W does seems to make me angry.

Nicely said. Although I suspect you might have missed it.

It only seems to be her making you angry.

It’s totally reasonable to have a cause and effect rationality to your feelings. W does something and you get angry. However, that causality is not a direct line or link.

Consider graffiti. Something so vile and disgusting that you are incensed. Now, that graffiti is in a language you don’t understand. Your reaction would be quite different. Maybe even pleasant given the colors and nice looking design of the characters.

It’s our interpretation and understanding, and yes even bias and prejudging, that bring life to our emotions. We all view the world through our own lens and craft/inspire/influence our emotions accordingly.

From the above graffiti example, two different emotions from the same event. It is ourselves who cause our feelings. The event is just the inception or trigger.

Tonight I was driving home from picking up supper. W was driving home from the gym at the same time. I started remembering how things were before I knew about the om and became very angry.

W’s actual behaviour from tonight was driving home. Your anger is crafted from a memory, not what she did today. As in “everything W does seems to make me angry” is not accurate. It’s more did than does. (And even that is not wholly accurate. I’ll explain lower down.)

She would get home 45-60 minutes after the gym (if she was even going) because she was going to his house afterwards. Stupid me believed she was hanging around after her work out talking to friends

And this particular facet has being troubling for you for quite a while. I’d say, it’s moved out of denial and into anger. That’s a good thing Mike. Even though it doesn’t feel like it.

The facet I speak of is not her cheating either; you’ve known about that for a long time. It’s the betrayal and the feelings and hurt from it. Betrayal of love and trust is far worse than almost any other sin or act.

I also went through the “stupid me” for believing W was doing something else. Mike, you are not stupid! Your (previous) trust and faith in her shows your character. The blaming of yourself is not warranted.

I fluctuate between anger and guilt because of the anger.

This is part of that self blame for not seeing through the betrayal. There is a loss here. A big one. For me, I didn’t see this? How could I have missed this? It was right under my nose?

As a man and husband, dutiful, responsible, and accountable, for my family, it cut deep. My failure cut deep. However, it’s not my, nor your, failure. Quite the opposite. Although it does take some time to work that out, which then extinguisher the misguided guilt.

At times I’ve been questioning if it’s worth it any longer.

Betrayal undermines the very basis of a relationship. Much emotion will be stirred before acceptance is found.

This process is very much worth it. You are very much worth this. Remember, feelings are fleeting. Yet, boy oh boy, they sometimes sure take their sweet time flitting away. (Seeing cause and effect really does help one lessen the unrealized reinforcement.)

Still irritated but hiding it.

You’ve read enough of my posts to likely have seen my yammering on about “but”. Right?

How about: Still irritated and sweating it out digging a garden. (or shovelling snow. If you are in my climate. )

Something has to give.

That’s quite true. It’s you.

Give your pain to God.

Believe me Mike, you’ve carried it around long enough. He will help with your burden.

D

[Boat14]

Where there is anger, there is love

Anger is everybit as powerful of emotion as love is. The opposite of love isn't hate or anger, it is indifference. So as long as there is anger there is still love.

Make sure that you use your anger as a shield instead of a sword

[MikeP]

Thanks D, helpful as always. The guilt comes from me being angry, I definitely don’t like it and it obviously isn’t helpful. There is so much confusion at times concerning W and it turns to anger/resentment. I often wonder if things would be better had she not moved back home so quickly after ending it with om. I guess I’m still struggling with what she said versus her actions. The relief of her coming home gave me unrealistic expectations and I hadn’t found this place yet to help me be better prepared. Living together is better than being separated however there are still challenges and it’s my fault that I try to slide back into a normal R. Sometimes she seems like she is trying to be “normal”- caring, affectionate, interested in me. Other times it seems as if I am the least important person in her life. Of course I shouldn’t have any expectations and I know that. Just don’t always remember that until later. She is obviously still struggling. A good sign is she had dinner with one of her oldest friends that she has been pretty cold towards during all of this. She is one of two friends that immediately told her she needed to ditch om and give me a chance. According to the friend, who I am friends with as well, she actually opened up a little. Said she seemed confused and sad. At least she’s finally talking to someone. I don’t know if I mentioned it before, she is very easily confused by the simplest things and has a terrible memory. Very unlike her. She has always been a very intelligent person. Seeing her so confused at times causes me concern. She gets that look like I’ve seen elderly people have when their mind is slipping. It’s upsetting. The changed are bad enough that d13 sees it. She teases her about her forgetfulness sometimes. Of course she doesn’t know what’s going on so I usually try to change the subject. She’s just being a kid and teasing, not being disrespectful. Rambling, sorry.

Back to the subject at hand-anger. The hardest thing about being angry is the guilt. How can I be so mad at someone I still love so much. Causes me to question if I really do love her that much. My heart says yes. My mind questions that because of my anger. I am still not doing a good job of GAL. I have to better. I can make all the excuses in the world for not doing so. None are really valid. I’m not trying hard enough, bottom line. Sorry for the long post. Thanks.

[bttrfly]

"I sat with anger long enough until she told me her real name is Grief"

[Rockon]

Mike, compassion grace and peace to you brother. You are going through it. Keep going. Don’t rush or speed it up. Don’t minimize what you’re going through. Be encouraged in taking good care of yourself. What GAL can you do today, this week, next week? And family or friends who can be there for you?

[MikeP]

Getting ready to head out and do something that is a major 180 for me. My mom and I don’t have the best relationship. Honestly, none of my siblings have a good relationship with her either. Last night I texted her and asked if I could take her to breakfast this morning. So I’m about to head out to get her. Might not sound like a big deal. It is for me. W asked what I was doing today. When I told her she shocked. She asked “What in the heck brought that on?”. Told her I need to make the effort, she is my mom. Not doing it to impress W or get any kudos from her. Part of this journey involves me being a better person and this is something I feel I need to do. Need to spend more time with my mom, not just today. She makes it hard though. I’ve always loved my mom. She’s just hard to be around at times. 🤞🏻

[DnJ]

Good for you Mike.

Enjoy breakfast and the company.