One day at a time.

[MikeP]

Thanks D, helpful as always. The guilt comes from me being angry, I definitely don’t like it and it obviously isn’t helpful. There is so much confusion at times concerning W and it turns to anger/resentment. I often wonder if things would be better had she not moved back home so quickly after ending it with om. I guess I’m still struggling with what she said versus her actions. The relief of her coming home gave me unrealistic expectations and I hadn’t found this place yet to help me be better prepared. Living together is better than being separated however there are still challenges and it’s my fault that I try to slide back into a normal R. Sometimes she seems like she is trying to be “normal”- caring, affectionate, interested in me. Other times it seems as if I am the least important person in her life. Of course I shouldn’t have any expectations and I know that. Just don’t always remember that until later. She is obviously still struggling. A good sign is she had dinner with one of her oldest friends that she has been pretty cold towards during all of this. She is one of two friends that immediately told her she needed to ditch om and give me a chance. According to the friend, who I am friends with as well, she actually opened up a little. Said she seemed confused and sad. At least she’s finally talking to someone. I don’t know if I mentioned it before, she is very easily confused by the simplest things and has a terrible memory. Very unlike her. She has always been a very intelligent person. Seeing her so confused at times causes me concern. She gets that look like I’ve seen elderly people have when their mind is slipping. It’s upsetting. The changed are bad enough that d13 sees it. She teases her about her forgetfulness sometimes. Of course she doesn’t know what’s going on so I usually try to change the subject. She’s just being a kid and teasing, not being disrespectful. Rambling, sorry.

Back to the subject at hand-anger. The hardest thing about being angry is the guilt. How can I be so mad at someone I still love so much. Causes me to question if I really do love her that much. My heart says yes. My mind questions that because of my anger. I am still not doing a good job of GAL. I have to better. I can make all the excuses in the world for not doing so. None are really valid. I’m not trying hard enough, bottom line. Sorry for the long post. Thanks.