One day at a time.

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

First off. Breathe. Just breathe. In and out. Nice slow deep breaths.

Been struggling lately with anger. The last 4-5 days have been worse. Not sure what to do.

Feel it and let go. Let it wash over you. Do something physical and sweat the anger out of you.

Mike, your feelings are perfectly normal. Anger is a necessary part of grief. And usually occurs as things are revealed from the shroud of denial. Realize we process loss a bit at a time as our psyche allows. This is a multifaceted process. Some items you are bargaining, others are already accepted. Some things are covered in a cloud of depression, and some you are angry about. And others you don’t even realize yet with them still in denial.

Everything W does seems to make me angry.

Nicely said. Although I suspect you might have missed it.

It only seems to be her making you angry.

It’s totally reasonable to have a cause and effect rationality to your feelings. W does something and you get angry. However, that causality is not a direct line or link.

Consider graffiti. Something so vile and disgusting that you are incensed. Now, that graffiti is in a language you don’t understand. Your reaction would be quite different. Maybe even pleasant given the colors and nice looking design of the characters.

It’s our interpretation and understanding, and yes even bias and prejudging, that bring life to our emotions. We all view the world through our own lens and craft/inspire/influence our emotions accordingly.

From the above graffiti example, two different emotions from the same event. It is ourselves who cause our feelings. The event is just the inception or trigger.

Tonight I was driving home from picking up supper. W was driving home from the gym at the same time. I started remembering how things were before I knew about the om and became very angry.

W’s actual behaviour from tonight was driving home. Your anger is crafted from a memory, not what she did today. As in “everything W does seems to make me angry” is not accurate. It’s more did than does. (And even that is not wholly accurate. I’ll explain lower down.)

She would get home 45-60 minutes after the gym (if she was even going) because she was going to his house afterwards. Stupid me believed she was hanging around after her work out talking to friends

And this particular facet has being troubling for you for quite a while. I’d say, it’s moved out of denial and into anger. That’s a good thing Mike. Even though it doesn’t feel like it.

The facet I speak of is not her cheating either; you’ve known about that for a long time. It’s the betrayal and the feelings and hurt from it. Betrayal of love and trust is far worse than almost any other sin or act.

I also went through the “stupid me” for believing W was doing something else. Mike, you are not stupid! Your (previous) trust and faith in her shows your character. The blaming of yourself is not warranted.

I fluctuate between anger and guilt because of the anger.

This is part of that self blame for not seeing through the betrayal. There is a loss here. A big one. For me, I didn’t see this? How could I have missed this? It was right under my nose?

As a man and husband, dutiful, responsible, and accountable, for my family, it cut deep. My failure cut deep. However, it’s not my, nor your, failure. Quite the opposite. Although it does take some time to work that out, which then extinguisher the misguided guilt.

At times I’ve been questioning if it’s worth it any longer.

Betrayal undermines the very basis of a relationship. Much emotion will be stirred before acceptance is found.

This process is very much worth it. You are very much worth this. Remember, feelings are fleeting. Yet, boy oh boy, they sometimes sure take their sweet time flitting away. (Seeing cause and effect really does help one lessen the unrealized reinforcement.)

Still irritated but hiding it.

You’ve read enough of my posts to likely have seen my yammering on about “but”. Right?

How about: Still irritated and sweating it out digging a garden. (or shovelling snow. If you are in my climate. )

Something has to give.

That’s quite true. It’s you.

Give your pain to God.

Believe me Mike, you’ve carried it around long enough. He will help with your burden.

D