We do have some wild thoughts as we wind our way through our path. It does take some time to sort it out. And I am happy to offer a perspective for you.
There are a few things at play in your situation. The most obvious being the current affair. The other main items: a sex-starved or perhaps sexless marriage, H’s prior known affair, and the family of origin issues that likely are inducing internal pressures upon H. And your own past regarding living with an abusive father has likely tinted how your see men and what you are willing to put up with.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
The sex for me was part of my 180. I had been so bitter with him before that I was withholding, cold, and angry pretty much all of the time.
Indeed that would have been an 180 in a sex-starved marriage. However, add in an affair and the dynamics change.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
Our sex life has never been better but he tells me he's just using me until he's ready to move on. … I don't respond to this and just focus on the fact that while he's saying such a vile thing, he's also kissing me. But it makes me feel insane.
Using you until he’s ready to move on. That’s what he says.
Of course you feel insane with such mixed messages and ongoing gaslighting.
This has being going on for the past month. Time for another 180 methinks. Stop the cake eating.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
It's definitely been on my list of things that actually WORK, that plus positivity, confidence, and not bringing up anything about the R or OW.
Defining “things that actually work” would come from your solution oriented goal setting journal and those small prior defined forward movements you’d be watching for. I’m certain speaking vile things yet still kissing you was not a goal. Don’t get drawn into his gaslighting and crazy-making.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
I'm very very hesitant to stop something that seems to help us become so much closer when he was previously very cold, that seems like the opposite of the DB principles.
I would like you to read something from Michele, right from the home page of this very website under Free Advice.
Affairs don’t just happen. They take planning, decisions making, effort, and intention.
Unhappy marriage don’t cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity.
The affair, even if only an emotional one, needs to cease. H has to choose to alter his path. To end it. And unfortunately that usually requires the affair running its course. How long of a course that is, or what direction it will take, I don’t know. I do know marriage can survive infidelity and even thrive better than before, when both parties roll up their sleeves and do the hard work.
Right now, the lion’s share of that hard work is upon your shoulders. H has a pretty big pile of work himself, which he is (at this moment) just putting off.
I do understand how this appears counter to what you perceive as you and H being closer. DB and the 180s and those principles are rather counterintuitive at first.
I see for your immediate path forward: Find detachment and stop walking on eggshells. Focus on you, and let go H. Live your life and stand. And realize standing is not being still. DB is you working on what you can control - you.
I really liked the fact you read Divorce Remedy in two days and took copious amounts of notes. That shows a lot of investment. I’d ask you to read it again. A second time. Especially after some of the interactions here with the posters. I think you will discover many more ideas and understandings. Which will likely prompt even more re-reads of certain parts.
Stay strong girl.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
