Newbie and needing help please

[DnJ]

Hello M

First off, see a lawyer to know where you stand financially. For example, if H were to move out, is he liable for the mortgage and bills, or not? And what about the other martial debt (cards and such)? If so, I’d expect it would be prorated according to reported income levels of the two of you. That being said, the mortgage I could see H requiring to pay a portion - if he is listed on the ownership documents. The monthly household bills, I’d think he’d not be responsible for since he isn’t living there. Of course, the kids live there, and he is responsible for a portion of their care and costs, which includes those aforementioned bills.

Once you know the legal default position of your locale on these matters, you can negotiate from there. It becomes a whole lot easier. Remember, business side.

Of course, the business side is not completely devoid of emotional influence and visa versa. So ensure you purposefully step back and really study something before agreeing.

please let me know how I could have handled it differently.

Certainly. I’ll share some observation and thoughts with what you’ve detailed.

H earns less than me & I have always subsidised his part in bills, mortgage & child related costs. He doesn't actually earn a lot less than me and over the years, I have built up costs on cards so have very little disposable income. I have managed this by working extra.

Excellent. You have a good handle of your financial situation. You being the one who usually (always?) looked after things leaves H a bit lost and befuddled of what is owned/owed and the costs of living and things.

I'm waiting for H to move out but I'm not sure he'll actually go due to cost.

If H wants to leave he will find a way.

For you, don’t wait for him. That doesn’t mean kick him out. I mean stop watching and waiting for him to decide. DB this. Remove your focus from H. Live your life. Look after the house and kids. And let H figure out what it is he is going to do, while still holding him accountable. He doesn’t get a free ride. Don’t be a doormat.

I spoke to him previously and said if he couldn't go then we needed to re look at his financial contribution. As I'm reading what I'm saying, I can see this maybe comes across as a threat but it wasn't said or meant like that.

An interesting thing is the use of the word “but”. This is not because of this topic, just a good opportunity methinks.

“But” usually is utilized as a justification for whatever proceeded it. Folks justifying some action they know or feel is not quite right but it happened anyhow.

If you are not threatening him, even unintentionally, why wait for him to decide to remain? He is currently living there. Has been for quite some time. So, revisit his and your financial contributions to the common expenses. Unless you are (were?) ok with things as they were.

In other words, why now?

If you two have separate finances, and have all along, you should have a periodic visiting of your financial health and each person’s share. I’m guessing that is not the case.

If you are serious about tweaking the contributions: Since this topic is broached with H already, sit down and do it. No blame or because of affair or possible moving out. Just to organize your finances. Otherwise, you are just rocking the boat.

When I gave him a breakdown of all the household costs today, he was shocked and immediately said I can't afford that, it will leave me with hardly anything. I said I know it’s difficult but I want this to be amicable and fair and walked out.

Yep, I’m sure that was quite eye opening for him.

You should not have said anything regarding his difficulty in his financial responsibilities. Let him own and feel his decisions. Do not be his Mom. Let him figure out how to pay for the upheaval he is after. Good for not getting dragged into a conversation with him.

Consider “but” from the above quote. Think of why you said it that way.

He's come to me a couple of times since saying how stressed he is, he's taken this week off sick because of the stress and he's not eating much (that makes two of us).

Do not show or tell him how much it is affecting you. No commiserating. Let him feel what he does.

People do not often rethink their life. They will almost certainly take the path of least resistance. It usually takes a whole lot of pain to give one enough reason to look inward. Look at us LBS, lots of pain and suffering, and in truth we’d never have looked inward if things just kept going along like they were. People usually need to hit rock bottom before they commit to a life change.

I can feel myself getting sucked in to protecting him again.

Yep, I got that sense as I was reading your post. Glad you see it.

If Im honest, part of the money thing was because I don't want him to have his cake and eat it.

I am very happy you said this. To me this thought was jumping off the page as I was reading your post as well. I actually said, “good for you” when I read your sentence. Lol. Seeing honestly is so very helpful for one’s growth.

This harkens to the bit about “but”. Right?

If he moves out, he won't be able to sustain the lifestyle he's shown OW he has.

Most likely true. And not your concern, nor the reason for taking any action. You want H to be with you because he wants to, not because he can’t afford not to.

Remember, money is just business. Bills and kids.

It's just that if he stays, I need the financial arrangement to be equal so we both have money to pursue our lives.

If he stays or goes, you need the financial resources to look after you, the house, the bills, and the kids.

To that end, you do not need to finances his affair. End the cake eating.

See a L and ensure what is what before making arrangements.

You have a spreadsheet detailing the living expenses. I think you two have separate accounts as well. Get his portion of the expenses sorted out, and let him do what he will with the rest of his income.

Approach this as business, for it is.

And realize, none of this precludes the possibility of reconciling.

D