New to this!

[BL42]

Rejoice,

Sorry your in this situation, but glad you're here. Everyone who posts has been through something similar, knows exactly how you're feeling, and wants to help.

Would you give us some more background on the two of you and your relationship? How old are each of you? You mention 3 children but then also stepchild...are some of the kids yours biologically, or are they all stepchildren? I assume he was married previously then? Have both of you been previously married, and how did you meet? How long did you date before getting married?

Any encouragement would be great, too--i honestly feel like dying.

We definitely know the feeling. It is one of the most difficult things you'll ever go through, but you WILL get through it.

My husband (together 13 years, 3 kids 16-11 years old) announced a month ago that he is having an emotional affair with an old friend of ours, and wants a divorce.

Do you know how/when this start?

I have been absolutely devastated for the entirety of that month. Panic attacks, not able to eat or sleep, sobbing all the time. (I have had the wherewithal to try not to do so in front of him.)

This is very common - you're not alone. Good you have the wherewithal not to do it in front of him. Have you seen a doctor about the panic attacks and non-sleep?

Overnight he went from my (admittedly cranky but awesome) husband to cold, and constantly on his phone or at this other woman's house.

Was it overnight? I wonder as time goes on if you'll be able to look back and identify problems before then.

My sister in law suggested reading DR, as her husband (my husband's brother) recently walked out on her and she had been reading it.

Your husband's wife walked out on her too? What is their parents' marriage history?

I read it in about two days flat while also taking copious notes. It was the first hope I've felt in any of this. Browsing success stories here has been one of my few sources of hope since then.

That's great you're doing the reading. Keep it up!

Then I'll, say, find a love letter from her to him about how sweet he is, when all I've wanted for years was his sweet side to reappear.

How did you find it? Did he leave the letter lying around, or are you snooping in his phone/email?

Or he'll lie to me about where he's at and go to her house.

He is a lier and a cheater right now. DO NOT believe anything he says. He WILL blatantly lie to you.

He told me tonight that the very next time I don't respect his space and privacy, he will move out (I just found that letter two days ago.)

He's trying to manipulate you. He's already in the middle of an affair. What could he do worse than that? Maybe you should smile and say "OK" and call his bluff.

We talked after the first week post bomb drop and I, desperate to keep him, suggested that since neither of us have a viable plan for moving out or any of the logistics of taking care of the kids, we just verbally agree to be separated but stay in the same house.

Now you're trying to manipulate him. You're not going to talk and logic him back. It's an emotional thing for him.

I suggested that we work on becoming trusting friends and he is skeptical of that but somewhat in agreement.

Would you be trusted friends with someone who is lying, cheating, and betraying you?

But it is so, so hard to see him all the time.

IHS is incredibly difficult.

Additionally, he still sleeps in the bed with me every night and is very much interested in being intimate up to three times a day.

3x a day? Wow. He's getting a thrill by having both of you - it's boosting his ego.

Our sex life has never been better but he tells me he's just using me until he's ready to move on.

Ugh. Is that a turn on? It's openly admitting he's using you. He doesn't respect you right now. You need to respect yourself.

Having read the book, believing nothing that he says and only half of what he does, I don't respond to this and just focus on the fact that while he's saying such a vile thing, he's also kissing me. But it makes me feel insane.

I think you're only believing the half of what you want. In this case it sounds like he's actually being honest with you...as repugnant as it is.

He was talking to me constantly about how all of this is apparently my fault, for weeks. He even blames me for the verbal abuse he carried on throughout our marriage.

Sooooooooo common for the WS to blame the LBS to justify their affair.

But among all of these accusations I was able to glean some if not all of the ways that I did legitimately hurt him over the years. I was controlling and critical and often rejected his advances. I was bitter and angry and cold.

OK, good to self-reflect and get better...but also he's clearly gaslighting you. Don't let him put the blame on you for his affairs.

I carried a huge load of anger through all of these years about the yelling, about a previous affair that we overcame, etc.

I'm assuming it was his affair?

As soon as he announced he was leaving me though, it was like that anger fell apart like the Berlin wall and all I have left is my love for him and my debilitating pain and anxiety over this situation.

When you lose something all of a sudden it creates instability and you get afraid of what you stand to lose. Over time you'll see it differently.

I feel like a brand new person without that anger and I can see how I acted clearly after 13 years.

Easy for the LBS to feel like they're a changed person all of a sudden; less believable for the WAS/WS who's learned over years of behavior.

I love him, I love our family unit exactly as it is, and

Right now you're scared of change. If you keep doing the work (IC, reading, posting here...etc) you WILL be ok either way.

the horrific trauma surrounding my parent's divorce

How old were you?

is enough for me to want to fight to the death for my marriage, even if just for my children's sake.

You can fight all you want, but ultimately must understand it's not within your control. If H wants out, it's his decision. What you need to work on is detachment and acceptance. Then if it goes the way you're hoping now, great, but either way you'll be at peace. Easier said than done? Of course. But that's your direction...

I've been going out with friends and being mysterious. Going to a support group for separated or divorced people. Going to see a lovely therapist to help me, rebuild me.

Good!

I'm actually applying some principles of DBing to restoring my robbed relationship with her, funny enough.

Eveyrone here says it's good for all relationships - not just your spouse.

My husband is one that can completely close someone off from his heart in an instant but still be nice to them, because of his childhood trauma.

What trauma?

And I'm afraid it's too late, so so afraid.

Drop your fears and embrace your future.

But tonight he ran me a bath. He's said he's excited for the bedroom later.

Ugh. Sorry Rejoice but this guy is manipulating you and creeping me out.

It's so painful to live this way. A lot of the time, I wonder if I should just cut him off sexually or something. However, sex is SO SO important to him, and I rejected him for so long, that I fear that would be a final nail in the coffin.

Right now he's getting a high off having both of you. His ego, going through his mind he's "the man". However, it's not because he's respecting you. Personally I would not feed it any longer. You should strongly consider pulling the rug out from under his feet instead of playing along.

All of my friends say he's just having his cake and eating it too

They're right.

and he is, but I think possibly, under that, he may still care and just feels completely swamped by guilt to the point where he's trying to run as far as he can away from what he sees as the source of these negative feelings, me. Maybe I'm in denial.

This feels like you're projecting your hopes onto him. He might have some guilt - though his actions don't seem to be showing it - but it seems more like he's a manipulating gaslighter who's happy to play both sides.

However as part of GAL I've lost weight and started tanning (he always loved when I was tan.)

It's very common for people to lose 25, 30, 40 lbs. You'll see this in a ton of threads. Use this as an opportunity to eat healthier and exercise and make that progress permanent.

He calls me out on trying to win him back and says there's nothing to salvage.

So don't make the changes for him - make them for you!

Any perspective would be welcome. Thanks all.

Hang in there, Rejoice. We're pulling for you.