I am staying on course honestly by the grace of God going for the straight and narrow and as I reflected to my eldest S, I don’t consider myself to be the best follower of Christ and I have failed and I mess up over and over but in fact it is the most important part about me. The next most important has been my M and my faithfulness to my W.
Faith is not following blindly. Nor is it being the best follower. True faith comes from choice.
What is the one thing that most defines what it is to be human? Free will.
I’ve messed up, and I’ve failed too. That’s probably the second place thing that defines what it is to be human. Lol.
Staying on course, the straight and narrow: I’d like to share something with you.
Each and every one us has good and evil, light and dark, inside. And we have free will. Choosing/following good does not mean one ignores evil. Nor does it mean one vanquishing their darkness. Those type efforts lead to struggles and inner conflict.
Goodness comes from listening to, and living the Grace of God; and understanding and making peace with one’s own inner demons. That, shines one’s light their brightest.
Truly faithful comes from free will. And free will needs to understand the dark as well as the light, so as to choose.
Vengeance, retribution, hatred, etc need to be understood; as well as compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and such. It’s interesting how dark and light one’s path is. The very nature of the human condition, I suppose. Free will. Live in the light.
Like you, being faithful is very important to me. I was faithful to my marriage and wife. And still am. Those tenets of faithfulness became clear to what they always were - me being faithful to me. The very foundation of “standing for me”.
Rock, around the same time as you are currently in your situation, I had similar questions, challenges, and doubts of myself and my faith. At the crux of it, was me needing to forgive myself.
It’s weird really, I have no great actions or deeds of which I needed to find redemption. My self penance came more from depression and some odd blame. You see, my wife had my complete and utter trust and faith in her. When she destroyed that… The things she said… Well, I absorbed it. My faith in her, my trust in her, 30 years of being each other’s support, I took it right to heart. And, I believed it.
It took me quite some time, and purposeful thinking, to transmute her poisonous words. I felt so unworthy for so long, because her words got straight into my belief system. Three decades of trust and faithfulness, she had unfettered access to me.
In my story here (it’s no longer available), I had spoken a lot of keeping my heart soft and squishy. Not hardening it to the pain. And not healing with a calcified heart. We have a small window of time when we are hurt and cut to the core. An incredible opportunity to really see what makes one tick.
I knew the man I wanted to heal into. I walked with faith to get there. Even though at times I didn’t feel it, or even had faith in it. However, I had choice. Free will. And I kept choosing that which I had first chosen. To DB. To walk the straight and narrow. To keep my word. To be compassionate. To be faithful and true to me.
It’s kind of funny looking back. When I felt the least amount of faith is when I actually followed it the most.
Anyhow, I did forgive myself. (BTW, forgiving W was easier than forgiving myself. Just in case you are finding the same.) I’ve made peace with my demons. And my ghosts do not haunt me. It’s all just part of me, of who I am.
Rock, I believe you know the man you want to heal into as well. Have faith. You will get there.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
