Marching in limbo with MLC H (3)

[DnJ]

Good Morning m

Lurkers, I encourage you to post.

I second that.


I’m glad to hear your sublet was extended. Nice to hear you’re settling in too.

Now that I've settled in a bit, there are some items I'd like H to ship over. I could live without those things but having them sent would make my life a little easier. And it's cheaper than having to buy replacements. I will admit that I hesitate to ask because I fear (yes, again operating from fear) that it will lead H will ask about D. I can honestly tell him that I don't have the bandwidth to add D on top of everything. I dislike that I still have this fear. I'm telling myself that it's my stuff, I should be able to use it when I want. The fact that I can't is no fault of mine. H caused this mess.

I understand the worry and fear about H using any conversation as a lead in for a divorce discussion. However, I think you are looking for a reason to bring it up. And to stick to H a bit. A manifestation of some anger and bargaining and fear in there.

“I could live without those things but having them sent would make my life a little easier. And it's cheaper than having to buy replacements.”

What will you do if he won’t send then back?

I’ve no idea the items. Are they something he might be using? Would the shipping costs be significantly less than buying, and then having, brand new?

If they would make your life easier, why not just get them? As in buy, and have them today.

I'll tell him that I still don't have my own place and my sublet is small, so I just want these few things for now. I don't have room for much else.

He could ship it all to you, even if you requested him to not. Then what?

If you are going to request these items - requesting not telling will likely bring about better results from H - ask for all and store them yourself. Do not utilize H as a storage facility. Or ask for some and write off the remainder.

Also, are these clearly your’s? Or could they be considered marital assets?

I have mixed feelings about this D. I want more time to process my feelings. Either until I get to the point where I feel I want to move on or until H says he wants to work things out. I guess the point is that I want to be the one to decide.

In my opinion, this is more the crux of this and less about items.

You have mixed feelings. Perfectly normal. Do not make decisions or take actions based upon feelings. Look back, think back, three months ago, what you were willing to do to save things. Feelings change.

“I want more time to process my feelings.” H is not presently pushing anything. You’ve got time.

“Either until I get to the point where I feel I want to move on or until H says he wants to work things out.” Feelings do highjack one a bit. There are other paths possible as well. No need to limit yourself to only two options.

“I guess the point is that I want to be the one to decide.” You are a decisive person. A strong and admirable trait. It serves you well. Has served you well. As such, I believe you can evolve that trait to even higher resolve.

Embracing uncertainty is a decision, an action. It takes a strong person to choose limbo, to choose the gift of time, to give time and see how things play out. All while living one’s life.

Counterintuitive. Feels wrong. Until one sees it.

You control you. Standing still is not being still. Doing nothing is doing something.

Anger and bargaining prompt feelings on needing to take some action. Any action. A “just do something to push this along one way or the other” feeling. It’s a fleeting time, let it flit. Find your convictions.

At least for now, H isn't pushing things. And I'm not going to bring it up. He hasn't initiated any contact since telling me he's starting therapy. He would have already had his first appointment. I haven't asked about it.

Good. Give time. Focus on you.

The limbo continues. But I increasingly understand why one of the mantras here is to think of it as the gift of time.

Yes, it is a gift. A gift for you. Embrace it in all its uncertainty and possibility.

One will languish in a forced limbo. One can flourish in a chosen limbo. For in the choosing, it becomes not limbo anymore.

D