I really appreciate the support, everyone. I don't think I would be as far along without having this board as a resource. Lurkers, I encourage you to post.

Thanks for removing the DB coach information, DnJ.

BL42, Newborn—I am beginning to feel that if H were to propose reconciliation, I wouldn't necessarily jump at the opportunity. There's definitely some cycling. I know I can thrive on my own. Sometimes I can even see myself dating in the (distant) future.

It turns out I can stay in the sublet longer than originally discussed. So that's nice, not having to worry about searching for an apartment soon. I have enough on my plate with the health issues (thank you validating the trials of anemia, Newborn!) and just trying to get back into the swing of things at work, which is pretty busy at the moment. I've now been back in Big City for a month and half, which is really not that long for catching my breath considering how much I traveled last year. And I only just started on the ADs, so they haven't even taken full effect yet. Trying to be kind to myself.

Now that I've settled in a bit, there are some items I'd like H to ship over. I could live without those things but having them sent would make my life a little easier. And it's cheaper than having to buy replacements. I will admit that I hesitate to ask because I fear (yes, again operating from fear) that it will lead H will ask about D. I can honestly tell him that I don't have the bandwidth to add D on top of everything. I dislike that I still have this fear. I'm telling myself that it's my stuff, I should be able to use it when I want. The fact that I can't is no fault of mine. H caused this mess.

I'll tell him that I still don't have my own place and my sublet is small, so I just want these few things for now. I don't have room for much else.

I have mixed feelings about this D. I want more time to process my feelings. Either until I get to the point where I feel I want to move on or until H says he wants to work things out. I guess the point is that I want to be the one to decide.

At least for now, H isn't pushing things. And I'm not going to bring it up. He hasn't initiated any contact since telling me he's starting therapy. He would have already had his first appointment. I haven't asked about it.

The limbo continues. But I increasingly understand why one of the mantras here is to think of it as the gift of time.