I've had numerous conversations with my son about our D and his father's choices since BD. Son is the one to initiate, and I never shut down the conversation. I do, however, always remind him:

1. that his father loves him very much, even if he doesn't always know how to show it

2. that his father did not grow up in a vacuum. our son is well aware of his father's parents' estrangement and the reasons why exh is the way he is

3. that his dad didn't have great role models for parenthood, and is always doing the best he can, even if it's not a great job ... he is still doing the best he can and doing it from as loving a place as he can muster up

Why do I constantly reiterate this ?? Here are my reasons, take or leave them as you will:

1. because what's even more damaging to a kid than a divorce is parental alienation by one or both parents. I'm not perfect. I've said snarky things about exh to our son in anger, which I've apologized for and regret to this day. but one thing my son knows is that i love his dad and have done my best to try to understand and forgive him despite the divorce, and that even though I love his dad, i've accepted where we are and am ok - he doesn't need to worry about me. my son is very protective of me.

2. it's extremely important to me that my son doesn't randomly judge someone without trying to see where that person is coming from, what circumstances may have led a person to behave a certain way .. I guess what I'm saying is that it's important to me that my son tries to see the bigger picture and put things into context whenever possible. the old we can't know unless we first walk in someone else's shoes

3. forgiveness is for my son as much as it's for me. i want him to have that inner peace which comes from acceptance and forgiveness.

4. Regardless of how our marriage turned out, this man is still my son's father. I've seen what damage was caused by my exh's cutting his dad out of his life. The damage continues to this day. I don't want that for my son. Ultimately, I have zero control over the kind of relationship my son chooses to have with his dad, but I've done everything humanly possible to keep an open road between them - in other words, I didn't and won't get in the way of their relationship. That's their business.


Rock, I think you're doing great on this front. Keep it up.

xo

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver