I noticed some things that youngest D had written down on a piece of paper and left on the table after visiting with W:
W explained to D her reason for leaving me now - she was married and unhappy for 23 yrs and can’t be unhappy for another 23. She’s never had the opportunity to leave before with youngest D and youngest S struggling. W said “I need to be happy” W feels she’s “terrible” around/to me.
W’s intention: - be happy - not trying to lose house/divide assets (contributing money monthly) - still be in relationship with her kids (her favorite people) - if D and S move out we’ll probably sell the house
Seems to me like a lot of heavy loaded info for W to lay on D. And W projecting her plans / outcomes.
I plan to continue to be there for D and have an open heart to support. Don’t plan to get in the way of or take responsibility for their relationship.
These are good opportunities to "clarify" things with D. More in the direction of how she should view the world. "Be happy by yourself" vs get married to be happy. All the relationship things you are learning now can be passed down to her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Had a really good connection with D this morning. Listening, some tears, acknowledging, validating. Letting her know I’m here for her. Sitting with her pace and timing.
D said that she talked with her IC yesterday about an idea. She prefaced saying she doesn’t need to know everything but wonders if it might help her with navigating some of her confusion and painful experiences if W and I sit down with her and maybe older brother and express ourselves in ways that we would want to together about our relationship as W and I did in the fall with youngest S and create an opening for them to process and ask us questions.
I replied that I am open to that if D would like. And I also validated that this has been painful and confusing for D as she just told me and also for me. She said she will think about it. I went on that while D doesn’t need to know everything, she can ask or voice anything at all to me including negative emotions, questions, her hopes and dreams, and anything she needs. D told me she has some great connections like me, IC, and a solid, loving and mature young married couple for support. For these things I am so very thankful. She proposed that we pray together and we did. Then she filled our home with beautiful music (she’s a musician) while I made a delicious meal. She will be going out with her boyfriend for the day and I’m heading out with friends for some fun.
Also I’m just remembering something I forgot to mention about the family weekend away with W. Eldest S showed up for a day and had a blast in community. He kept a wide berth from W. When W was telling me about maybe she will move away if her kids don’t want to be with her, she said about S, “He should just get over it. It’s not about him.” Well truth be told everything affects everything in my mind. I recognize that he is not over it but he’s doing the best he can to deal with stuff. And I respect his process. I didn’t say much to W except to say that sounds really hard.
Let me tell you, playing hockey last night was just the best!
This illustrates just how confused her thinking is, and where she is emotionally.
My then W, two weeks after bomb drop, berated the kids for not being over it yet. She listed off on her fingers the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Then said, “That should take you five days. I gave you two weeks! And you’re still not over it!”
Of course five days or two weeks is completely unrealistic. At fourteen days in, I told her as much. I also asked, “have you lost your mind?” Lol. (My XW is a very lost soul.)
Your W’s empathy chip is currently broken. Or overloaded/overwhelmed might be more apt. You see, her feelings are cranked to eleven and she really just can’t handle them. Never mind anyone else’s feelings.
Originally Posted by Rockon
“It’s not about him.”
This is quite a gift. Remember this statement.
Yes, it’s not about him. Or daughter. Or you. It’s about her.
My XW also blurted out stuff that like. Among their fantasy narrative, their rewritten history, their projections, their blame, their justifications, and their gaslighting; some nuggets of truth exist. Unintentional and unrealized as those nuggets may be to one’s wayward spouse.
I found discussing statements like that one above, with my kids, answered many questions and provide a good ice breaker for further conversations. “It’s not about him”, that’s gold. And such a help on their journey towards acceptance and forgiveness.
For all the destruction XW wrought down upon me and the kids, she also provided gifts and answers. We just had to see them.
Give her to God Rock. And walk in the light.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you D I needed to read that. I am staying on course honestly by the grace of God going for the straight and narrow and as I reflected to my eldest S, I don’t consider myself to be the best follower of Christ and I have failed and I mess up over and over but in fact it is the most important part about me. The next most important has been my M and my faithfulness to my W.
