Way to go MA in taking care of yourself. A thought: have you checked in with your family dr? There may be some medications that can help you in the short term as well as it can be good for them to track your health response to this profound insult to your nervous system and as I link to think everything affects everything.
Sometimes posts seem to be aiming for a positive divorce rather than how I save a marriage.
I would like you to consider something. Why can’t it be both?
What I mean is everything here is for you. You are the most important person in your life. You need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others.
I am pro-marriage. My basic view is if, and really only if, you need financial protection or security; or there is abuse or such; then get a divorce. In some jurisdictions, and I do not know your’s or most anyone’s here, there is no legal protection while “working things out” or while negotiating separation. For example, a LBS could be left high and dry if their spouse skipped town and stopped paying their portion of the bills. Some of the other horror stories, is the wayward spouse starts burning through the savings. If one isn’t aware or prepared, suddenly all their life savings are gone. The posts are mostly awareness and for one to be informed.
Other than that, leave the heavy lifting to the one who wants out. You don’t place boulders upon the path, and your don’t help them either. You can only control you, so you keep your side of the street clean and let your partner own their choices.
Yes, that is more a positive than negative, though not promoting. Like I said, it’s for you. Going at things calm also helps detach and make sound reasoned decisions if they need to be made. Like speaking with a L long before you actually get to when you need them. If that even happens.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm sure I've not got all this right so any pearls of wisdom, particularly about how I get him out of the house are welcomed!
Lol!
You are doing fine. You are a quick study.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I reiterated that he should leave as soon as he can as this was the right thing to do for both of us to have some time and space to focus on our own needs.
For most situations it is usually best to not promote them leaving. Nor to tell them what to do. One’s spouse is likely feeling regret, guilt, shame, etc, on top of the depression which the whole mess is a symptom of. They don’t want to feel bad, and certainly not worse than they do, so they look around for someone to blame. That usually is the LBS.
Your kids are older teenagers. How well did they listen when they were in their rebellious stage? H is like that. Or likely will be. The best way to get him to do something is for him to come to it on his own. Telling, even helpful advice, is often seen as controlling and one’s spouse will lash out and work against it. Even when said advice is in their best interest. (You don’t need to look very far to see that proof. H’s present situation is no where near best for him or anyone.)
Mention once, maybe twice, and then stop repeating. Let go and let them own their choices.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I've arranged to meet a friend tomorrow afternoon for a coffee & D is going to do a pamper session with me in the morning. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
Good for you!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Rockon - thanks for the words of encouragement. Just walked 5k with a friend and feel great at the minute. H was questioning lots about who I was out with, where I was going etc. I just said I'm out, not sure when I'm back & leftbit at that. He started again when I got in wanting to know who I was with & how far I walked. Not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this? Thank you for thinking of me going to doctors. I've managed to eat some prawns after my walk so I think fresh air and detachment is definitely the way to go!
DnJ - thanks for the pearls of wisdom and encouragement. I do feel really lucky that I found this forum literally straight away after first having suspicions that H was unfaithful. I have worked as a Psychotherapist for the past 24 years and bought the book a while ago when working with a couple. Never used it since but boy am I glad I had it. When I read it in the first few days, I felt hope and optimism. I fluctuate with this but am finding the forum hugely helpful.
Fantastic MA. Great job with the walk and the prawns and creating some mystery with H.
I was taking in a webinar yesterday and for the hurt spouse, it was discussed that a holistic approach on the initial survival phase can include a short term prescription to treat anxiety, mood, and sleep needs, for example. I happen to think that things you are doing already: walks, friendships and connection, hydration and nutrition all play key roles to those ends.
Rockon - thanks for the words of encouragement. Just walked 5k with a friend and feel great at the minute. H was questioning lots about who I was out with, where I was going etc. I just said I'm out, not sure when I'm back & leftbit at that. He started again when I got in wanting to know who I was with & how far I walked. Not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this? Thank you for thinking of me going to doctors. I've managed to eat some prawns after my walk so I think fresh air and detachment is definitely the way to go!
DnJ - thanks for the pearls of wisdom and encouragement. I do feel really lucky that I found this forum literally straight away after first having suspicions that H was unfaithful. I have worked as a Psychotherapist for the past 24 years and bought the book a while ago when working with a couple. Never used it since but boy am I glad I had it. When I read it in the first few days, I felt hope and optimism. I fluctuate with this but am finding the forum hugely helpful.
“I was walking with a friend. Walked until we stopped. Goodnight.” 🤷🏼♂️
OK, confession. After my positive day yesterday, the past 24 hours have not been my finest in terms of DB'ing. Got into a text exchange last night (1st mistake) & got drawn in to him saying he didn't know where it went wrong and now we'll never know. I panicked and responded with emotions (2nd mistake) and said we can get it back, but he would need to be ready to do that. I regret the exchange & he stopped messaging after me saying that. I then felt anxious all night and didn't sleep. Got up early this morning and he was already up having a bath. He came downstairs dressed to go out. I asked him where he was going (3rd mistake). He said just out and I badgered for more info (4th mistake). He then said he was going to a meeting at work (this was part of a pre existing elaborate lie) and I challenged him on this (5th mistake). He went out, clearly irritated with me & I cried. I'm noticing what I should be doing after the event but not always catching myself before responding to urges to seek reassurance and love. I can absolutely see this is not helpful but find it hard.
What R2C said. None of this is easy in fact it’s incredibly difficult and very understandable the way you handled the scenario. Take a deep breath, draw upon support and refocus.
What is on your menu today? I’m thinking proteins, fats, fruits, veggies and nuts oh and some comfort foods - do you drink tea?
We all make mistakes. The good thing is you are able to see yours. As you move forward, you will catch yourself beforehand and stop.
One day at a time. Forgive yourself. This is tough stuff to deal with.
Seeing it today as a mistake I have learned from & getting better at detachment. Managed a sandwich and a hot chocolate yesterday so a bit better than how it has been. I am normally a tea drinker Rockon but Ive been sticking to water mostly. The days when Ive had a coffee, Ive noticed that my anxiety has been worse. Mostly likely due to the caffeine hit. I had a lovely 4 mile walk with a friend last night and D has persuaded me to take her on a girlie shopping trip today. I also plan on visiting IKEA (big chain Swedish furniture and accessories store). I've decided when he moves out then I'm going to redecorate our living room so it feels cosy, different and somewhere I want to be. I'm finding it difficult to be in there with the memories and photos.
New day and new attempts at DB. I always say in my work that relapses are a good thing as we can learn from them. Thanks as ever Ready to Change and Rockon for wise words and experience.
