Please try to remember this...they suffer from depression throughout the crisis. They think that they missed something along the way of growing up. We all go through life's transitions from the teens, 20's 30's, etc. The secret is that many of can navigate those life transitions. Those that don't generally are set up for a crisis, whether it is a mild one or not.
I did a lot of research when I came here looking for answers back in late 1999. What I discovered not only from this Board, but from all of the reading that I did was that the crisis is all about unresolved childhood issues. The MLCer will look at us and consider us authority figures and they lash out at us, because in their minds, we are parents, not spouses and/or partners. The unresolved issues could be child abuse, sexual abuse by someone, not getting recognition and validation for whatever they have done correctly, could be sibling rivalry.
At midlife, they question where they are in life. Think back, what transpired before he began his crisis. Did he have a health issue? A new job or not promoted? A child was born? Someone that was close to him passed away? These situations can help him go down into the rabbit hole.
Please remember...it is not you or your marriage, it is his journey to find himself. Please do not try to reason with him because right now he is going to see you as trying to control him and they sure do not like to have someone tell them that they are depressed or in crisis. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
I know you are frustrated, scared and looking for a quick fix, but he will take as long as it takes to work through his crisis. Do not try to stop his crisis because if you do wake him up a bit, he will go back into crisis again at a later time and it will be far worse. The best thing you can do is listen, do not offer advice, just listen. Validate his feelings and when he's upset and rattles on about something, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Learn to walk away when it gets to be too much.
While he is out there, this is a time for you to rediscover you. Make a list of the things that you have wanted to do and just haven't had a chance. Take a class or pick up a new hobby, redecorate or do some gardening. This is now your time. One last thing...watch your joint bank accounts and credit cards. In fact, I would suggest that you set up a separate bank account because if he hasn't already started...he will spend money on anything that strikes his fancy.
You are not alone in this process. Many of us have walked this path and we will be happy to share the knowledge that we have gained in the process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
