Ok, here’s a new development that has been a trigger for me to think more about saying something because I had been pretty locked in about actions not words, felt I had long ago made myself crystal clear and said everything I needed to say.
W sent me screenshots by mistake of flights. The images mean to me that W has invited OM to visit her. She immediately texted: “Sorry! Wrong photos!”
So that is specifically what has got me thinking about addressing it. But maybe I just move forward without talking.
I suppose my intentions in responding would be to give her the information that I understand what those images mean and that I accept that she has made this choice and is going further with it. I had told her before that I would not react harshly with anything that she wanted to tell me. And so I saw this as an opportunity to be consistent and honest with that. It was her unintentionally telling something but it was her telling me something nevertheless. And I was intending to have a response of further moving forward (action) and giving a truth dart (words) that this (her choices to be autonomous and not in unity with our family and to have that outer relationship) are having a painful abandonment effect on our family and the trajectory is bad for us to stay his way. I accept that that is what she has said and consistently demonstrated that she wants and that’s fine for her to choose that. I accept that is who she is and what she wants. And it is not sustainable for us to continue to live life like this. So I have important things to consider. To have a truth dart reinforcement of how this is impacting us. And that I’m moving forward.
But then again she has not been showing any interest in wanting to know how it’s impacting us and she has often reacted harshly when that information has come to her. She didn’t sent those photos to me with a question asking for my response. Maybe I just should not engage. This is really f-ing hard.
Do I have any reason to believe that I can affect change with her? Yes. I do realize that my influence is limited with her and I believe that I can make things worse. I do believe however that it is also possible that I can have a positive influence on her by DB ing and looking after my side of the street .
My personal opinion is she already knows all this and you're wasting your breath. You're spending too much time analyzing the words to say when you're actions are much more important. Remember: Actions over Words. She needs to observe and feel you're moving forward, not hear it from you.
Have you ever heard this before?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
And BF I value and deeply respect women’s views and voices and I want to read your perspective.
I asked that because it's my practice IRL to ask "do you want my opinion" or "do you want to hear my thoughts" before laying down some serious tracks for someone to pick up.
But, I think you figured it out already.
STOP TALKING.
So congratulations. Here's your STFU smoothie card, with the first smoothie icon punched out for you. Punch out the other nine and you'll get the 11th STFU smoothie for free, and perhaps Cali will come back to give you a Spew apron in the Pantone 2023 color of the year.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Do consider your options and continue moving forward. Stick to the path.
To that end and to what you can control. A mindset for you to mull over:
- I understand that you are continuing to have an affair. I accept that you have chosen this.
Acceptance is a multi-layered onion. Do you respect her right to do it? Her right to live as she sees fit?
- It hurts me very deeply and I am worried about the trajectory of what your choices will have upon our family.
Be specific. What do you see, or feel, or think, or believe, or imagine is awaiting to befall your family? How does her decisions, her right to live how she chooses, her trajectory, going to actually impact you and the kids? Then see what you can do about that. I’m figuring you are thinking more than mere monies here. For example, the loss of family vacations. Which is not really the case (as I found out). Just a family vacation without Mom. Still a family. A modified one is all.
- I can speak for myself and for what I see in our kids and what they are telling me that we feel abandoned.
Do you or the kids blame W/Mom for abandoning you? Do you feel/think/believe why you (and kids) feel abandon is her fault? Or she is the cause? I hope not, otherwise she’d be the only who could fix it.
W/Mom’s actions are just that - her actions. Her behaviour does not dictate nor control you or your kids’ feelings. BTW, I completely understand having oneself and one’s kids abandoned by their W/Mom. (And that’s almost completely abandoned, like three short visits a year is all they interact. Absolutely zero with me.) Healing is not contingent upon their Mom returning or awakening.
- I am considering my options to protect our family so that we can grieve and heal.
Good. Are you sticking to healing and working through grief? Protecting sounds like a different tact.
Do consider your options and strategies for healing and grief. One of which is not protecting from hurt. Feel the hurt. And grow and gain strength.
Something like: I am guiding and strengthening my family so that we can grieve and heal.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
She is paying for everything about her trips. We moved to separate accounts at BD and she and I both contribute into mortgage etc. her trips are completely out of her money and I am firm about that. She has been quite reasonable about it. Though she is not contributing her fair share towards mortgage (discussed previously on these boards) it’s working out ok for now.
DnJ, Lots to ponder and process. Thank you for the response and stimulating questions..
I do believe that my/kids feelings are our own responses and not actually caused by W’s behaviours. It is my responses that determine my experience and trajectory and also model for our kids. And I want to move away from blame and to accurately and in a healthy way address issues that need addressing for me. My responses, my control, my responsibilities and values.
“ Good. Are you sticking to healing and working through grief? Protecting sounds like a different tact.
Do consider your options and strategies for healing and grief. One of which is not protecting from hurt. Feel the hurt. And grow and gain strength.
Something like: I am guiding and strengthening my family so that we can grieve and heal”
