Failed pretty miserably with DBing last night. I could feel the frustration brewing. I left to avoid it on Valentine’s Day. I thought I had enough planned yesterday to distract myself, but I did not.
I got off work, picked up D5 and D7 and met my sister and niece at the park. Took D7 home and then went home. I had planned to go shopping for some last minute things before I leave. When I got home yesterday, W asked how we were getting to the airport for our trip tomorrow. I repeated what I told her with the hotel and the rental car – I’ll make my arrangements and you can take care of yours. This upset her again, just like the previous times, but I anticipated that. No big deal. She walked away for a few minutes, then came back and said she’s taking D5 with her to her friend’s house when we get back from our trip while we figure things out. I said you’re not taking her anywhere but we could talk about it later and walked away. She asked if we could talk. I should have pushed it off, but I engaged (…when you engage, you lose).
She said she did not understand why I was being so unreasonable, why we couldn’t just do this together for D18 and said that this trip is about D18 and that I should put my feelings aside to make sure she has a great trip. She doesn’t know that I have been putting my feelings aside for months and checking in with D18 almost daily to make sure things are okay. She doesn’t know that D18 sent me a text while I was at the park asking if she could throw OM’s flowers away because she has to walk past them to get to her room and it hurts her to see them. She doesn’t know that D18 doesn’t even care if W goes on the trip or how upset D18 is with her. I understand that W flipping the chaos of this trip onto me is likely her refusing to take accountability. I know I should have just left it at that and said “I hope D18 has the best time possible and I’ll do my best to ensure that” and walked away. Instead I engaged again. (…when you engage, you lose). I told her she knows why I’m not doing things together. She repeatedly said that she honestly has no clue why. I told her not to insult my intelligence and walked away. She told me not to walk away without explaining myself. (…when you engage, you lose). I engaged again and most of the things I’ve kept in for all of these months came out instead.
It started with me calling her out for cheating on me for 8 months. She attempted her previously used justification of “you told me that we are free to do whatever and even my therapist agreed…” I cut her off, told her we had already discussed that, told her to own her sh!t, told her that the people in her house aren’t stupid and we all know what she’s been doing. I told her it was bs that she couldn’t just get the divorce before doing this again. I told her she’s the one who has to look in the mirror and the faces of her kids each day knowing she’s a cheater. I told her the only reason I’m even still here is because I wanted to make this work but that’s over now. I called her out for bringing this sh!t into my house with the flowers and gift. I honestly don’t remember everything I said but it was mostly just a 5-10 minute rant while she stood there with a face that said “Are you done yet.” I think that’s actually what she said when I was done. I walked away all full of adrenaline and she just stayed in the room folding her clothes.
It felt very similar to this situation I described back in early October, only W’s reaction was basically emotionless, which was a big difference from last time. My mindset is also way different this time. No fear of upsetting her. I re-read the responses from that post. I still think her leaving is best right now, but I am contacting my L today to ensure D5 does not go with her. It’s tough because we are leaving tomorrow morning, but I’ll get the ball rolling on that. I don’t expect that W will text me again accusing me of “pinning her in a corner” or causing a panic attack. It happened early in the evening and she just went about her day as if things were fine. D18 was eating some Cheetos and W came in and said “Eating some Cheaters, I mean Cheetos. Too soon?” It was sad, weird, funny, crazy all at the same time. Wtf.
We didn’t speak the rest of the night. I cleaned D5’s bedroom and got her to bed. At some point W went off to her bed. D18 just hung out talking and showing me funny stuff on her phone. S19 obviously heard everything too, so I checked on him as well. I told them that they don’t have to come to me, but if they have thoughts/feelings that they should get them out and that I am always available for them.
It felt good getting things off my chest, but I feel a little like the crazy one, especially because of W's lack of response the whole time. I do recognize it as a mistake that I said I would not make again. D18 said she knew it was coming from how I was the day before. I knew it too, which is why I left on Valentine's Day. I’m not beating myself up about it, but also won’t pretend it didn’t happen.
