Newbie and needing help please

[BL42]

MA1970,

I'm all over the place.

That's completely normal initially. Over time you'll stop spinning.

I think he's found a flat to move to.

It's incredibly difficult, but try to focus on yourself and not him.

The OW has two children so he can't move in with her

He can't move in with her? Their R sounds destined for greatness (eye roll).

(he said he wouldn't anyway).

Do not believe anything he says. He is a liar and a cheater right now.

I felt / feel like I can't cope with the anxiety I feel when he's in the house but it seems so definite him moving out.

IHS is incredibly difficult. Physical separation has it's own challenges but it will give you space and release the constant stress and help you detach (in my experience).

He has tended to use alcohol as an avoidance of emotions hence him never telling me how unloved he felt. After he admitted to the affair a couple of nights ago, he has clearly been struggling with his guilt coming to the surface & today has stopped talking to me and the kids & just sitting in his room drinking alcohol.

It sounds like your H has a real alcohol problem, not just recently but throughout your relationship. Have you or he ever addressed this or sought help?

My questions are how do I ensure that he continues to have a relationship with D(16) & S(19) and this doesn't suffer as a result of him going.

DnJ is right. This is not your responsibility, it's his. Don't sabotage it, but you can't protect him from himself.

I'm so sad, I just feel empty.

I know. It'll get better. Trust us.

I'm still struggling to eat and have lost 14lbs in 12 days.

If you've read many threads on here you'll see it's incredibly common to lose 20-30-40lbs after BD. It's astounding how common that is.

I've been trying to walk when anxiety gets bad and want to start at the gym but am worried about going without any food for strength.

Yes! Get out and walk. Join that gym. Get after it! You'll get stronger and more confident and want to eat.

In my own reflections, I've come to some realisations. We've been in a terrible vicious cycle. I've been resentful of him not contributing more financially (I'm the main wage earner), this probably led to him feeling emasculated, I then wouldn't be particularly nice and go on at him about his drinking (if you've got enough to buy wine, how come you can't get the shopping this week) this would probably lead to more stress and more drinking, I would then turn down any advances for intimacy, he would feel rejected. I would then comfort eat & feel unhappy in my body thus not feeling body confident enough for sex. It wasn't a completely sexless relationship but looking back, definitely sex starved. I just wish he'd done the same amount if reflection because all of our difficulties feel solvable to me but only if we both want to solve them. This is all so hard.

Self reflection is good. And glad you recognize the pattern. Know you can't change the past and accept that. Focus on the present and your immediate needs. Once you stabilize work to address these issues/cycles for the future.

Sometimes posts seem to be aiming for a positive divorce rather than how I save a marriage.

We all came here to save our marriage. And we all want to help the people who come here to save theirs too. However, you also need to recognize that it is not something you control. If your H wants to move out, you can't stop him. If he wants to go through with a D you can't stop that either. You need to accept that fact and release any hold over it. Have you read the serenity prayer? Whether you're religious or not it's perfect advice for these situations:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Once you truly accept that and let go you'll find peace.

Now, what you can control is you. You can go out for that walk and join a gym. You can eat healthier. You can get out an GAL and have dinner with a friend or start an art class or see a movie. You can be the best mother you can possibly be for your kids who are also going through a tough time...etc, etc. If you commit to the things you can control about you, then you will start feeling better, and happier, and more confident. And that will be attractive.