Newbie and needing help please

[BL42]

He has agreed to pay child maintenance.

Wow, what a great guy (eye roll). It doesn't matter at all what he agreed to or not there...it is the law. So make sure you understand it and receive what you're entitled to. Have you consulted an L?

I've arranged some IC through work and this will start next week.

Good! My guess is that'll be very helpful.

He lied again last night and was with OW all night.

Typical.

I was calm and he did admit to the affair.

Way to stay calm. I'm surprised he admitted the affair...many don't even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

Said he felt so guilty and hadn't wanted to hurt me. I said he had hurt me and that I couldn't live with him under the same roof whilst he is sleeping with her one night and here the next. He has agreed to move out.

None of this is easy, but hopefully him moving out will give you some space and peace. IHS is incredibly difficult.

He's also agreed not to stay overnight or lie about shifts till he goes.

You can't trust a word he says. He's a deceitful cheating and now he's agreed to not lie about overnights or shifts? Please. Do not trust anything he says to you.

[MikeP]

While I’m no expert or veteran to this board, I will say be prepared. I told W the same thing about seeing the om while living with me. She said she would move out. I thought things would be easier. For me, they were not. The night she left was the hardest night of my life. Once she was gone I wondered and worried even more about her and the om. I’m only telling you this as a precaution- somehow you need to be prepared. I wasn’t as prepared as I thought and I had not found this forum yet. Hopefully you will be in a better place than I was due to the advice and support of the awesome people on here. Good luck, we’re all pulling for you!

[DW17]

That's good advice MikeP. I've assumed I would feel much better if my W were to move out. I've never considered that it might be harder to handle.

MA, I don't have any wisdom for you but wanted to lend some support. You'll make it through this as everyone else here has. As bad as my situation with my W is right now, this forum has helped me with every other aspect of my life. Even just having another outlet besides friends/family/IC to vent has been immeasurably helpful. Keep updating and seeking advice when you need it. Best of luck!

[MA1970]

I'm all over the place. I think he's found a flat to move to. The OW has two children so he can't move in with her (he said he wouldn't anyway). I'm so frightened that he won't come to his senses. It's surreal. I can see how much he cares and still loves me but its like he has completely cut off any sexual /intimate side & almost views me as a mother. I can see that DW17 & Mike P are right. I felt / feel like I can't cope with the anxiety I feel when he's in the house but it seems so definite him moving out.

I've got a couple of questions. To give you some context - H came from a cold family who didn't really do emotions. He has tended to use alcohol as an avoidance of emotions hence him never telling me how unloved he felt. After he admitted to the affair a couple of nights ago, he has clearly been struggling with his guilt coming to the surface & today has stopped talking to me and the kids & just sitting in his room drinking alcohol. This has caused me a lot of anxiety because I love him and worry about his future (I know its his responsibility and he's a grown man). My questions are how do I ensure that he continues to have a relationship with D(16) & S(19) and this doesn't suffer as a result of him going. Also, I get the focus on me stuff but I'm also frightened that he'll forget about me and that I'm willing to work at the relationship if he cuts off.

I'm so sad, I just feel empty. I'm still struggling to eat and have lost 14lbs in 12 days. I've been trying to walk when anxiety gets bad and want to start at the gym but am worried about going without any food for strength.

In my own reflections, I've come to some realisations. We've been in a terrible vicious cycle. I've been resentful of him not contributing more financially (I'm the main wage earner), this probably led to him feeling emasculated, I then wouldn't be particularly nice and go on at him about his drinking (if you've got enough to buy wine, how come you can't get the shopping this week) this would probably lead to more stress and more drinking, I would then turn down any advances for intimacy, he would feel rejected. I would then comfort eat & feel unhappy in my body thus not feeling body confident enough for sex. It wasn't a completely sexless relationship but looking back, definitely sex starved. I just wish he'd done the same amount if reflection because all of our difficulties feel solvable to me but only if we both want to solve them. This is all so hard.

[DnJ]

Hello M

This really takes the weight off doesn’t it. I lost 35 pounds in my first three weeks (BD was in 2017). So much anxiety and stress and adrenaline. BD affected my kids too. One’s appetite does return after a bit.

how do I ensure that he continues to have a relationship with D(16) & S(19) and this doesn't suffer as a result of him going.

It’s not your job is to facilitate or maintain their relationship. Your job is to just not destroy it.

There will be damage from Dad leaving and cheating. Ensure you keep open honest lines of communication with your children. Let them come to you with anything. Answer questions age appropriately. And it is perfectly acceptable to say “I’m not sure. Let me think about that and we can talk tomorrow.” Just make sure you do.

My kids were right there with a literal front row seat at BD. They had a lot of questions over the years. And our relationship is very strong.

Foster compassion and understanding and forgiveness in your discussions with the kids. And never demonize their Dad. Realize they are half him. Half their genes come from him. Attacking him feels like attacking them, from their perspective. And they will also have concerns about themselves repeating Dad’s behaviours.

Kids will also need to rebel against Dad and what he is doing. Problem is, they cannot risk losing him. As such, they will lash out at you - the safe stable parent. It’s a perfectly normal response for them. Granted, it’s not very enjoyable, however do realize that it’s a health part of their processing. In time, they will actually direct their feelings and words appropriately towards Dad.

I get the focus on me stuff but I'm also frightened that he'll forget about me and that I'm willing to work at the relationship if he cuts off.

H won’t forget you. He will feel numb / indifferent towards you.

The more you pursue him, the more he will focus on you and your advances. This means he cannot feel the guilt, the pain, the problems, the loss, and such of breaking apart his family. He needs to feel those. And then hopefully reflect upon that, and be willing to make a life course correction.

After he admitted to the affair a couple of nights ago, he has clearly been struggling with his guilt coming to the surface & today has stopped talking to me and the kids & just sitting in his room drinking alcohol.

Yep.

M, H’s behaviour and affair has little to do with you. You know him. He came from a cold family which doesn’t do emotions. Things pile up, life’s problems and pressures, and yes those relationship problems, and he didn’t know how to talk about it. Then boom.

Let him go and give him to a higher power for a while. H needs to see and feel his guilt. Regret, remorse, will be a time coming, if he will do some inner looking.

Be kind and compassionate. Live your life. Focus on you.

D

[MA1970]

Thank you DnJ, it's so hard. You are very kind to give your time to my relentless angst. When my calm / soothing mind is at play, I see the sense in all the DB stuff but it can be confusing. Sometimes posts seem to be aiming for a positive divorce rather than how I save a marriage. I really appreciate the mix with your responses of providing some hope whilst still coming back to focusing on me. I've got a fantastic relationship with both my kids and would never demonise their dad. They're both old enough to understand what is happening & have coped fantastically so far but it broke my heart today when my daughter came to me saying everytime she sees her dad, she wants to cry and can't understand why because she feels so angry at him. I just said there will be a whole host of emotions and sadness is a biggie. You love your dad and you're frightened of the change but know that he loves you dearly and that won't change whether we are in the same house or not. I just hope that's true.

[BL42]

MA1970,

I'm all over the place.

That's completely normal initially. Over time you'll stop spinning.

I think he's found a flat to move to.

It's incredibly difficult, but try to focus on yourself and not him.

The OW has two children so he can't move in with her

He can't move in with her? Their R sounds destined for greatness (eye roll).

(he said he wouldn't anyway).

Do not believe anything he says. He is a liar and a cheater right now.

I felt / feel like I can't cope with the anxiety I feel when he's in the house but it seems so definite him moving out.

IHS is incredibly difficult. Physical separation has it's own challenges but it will give you space and release the constant stress and help you detach (in my experience).

He has tended to use alcohol as an avoidance of emotions hence him never telling me how unloved he felt. After he admitted to the affair a couple of nights ago, he has clearly been struggling with his guilt coming to the surface & today has stopped talking to me and the kids & just sitting in his room drinking alcohol.

It sounds like your H has a real alcohol problem, not just recently but throughout your relationship. Have you or he ever addressed this or sought help?

My questions are how do I ensure that he continues to have a relationship with D(16) & S(19) and this doesn't suffer as a result of him going.

DnJ is right. This is not your responsibility, it's his. Don't sabotage it, but you can't protect him from himself.

I'm so sad, I just feel empty.

I know. It'll get better. Trust us.

I'm still struggling to eat and have lost 14lbs in 12 days.

If you've read many threads on here you'll see it's incredibly common to lose 20-30-40lbs after BD. It's astounding how common that is.

I've been trying to walk when anxiety gets bad and want to start at the gym but am worried about going without any food for strength.

Yes! Get out and walk. Join that gym. Get after it! You'll get stronger and more confident and want to eat.

In my own reflections, I've come to some realisations. We've been in a terrible vicious cycle. I've been resentful of him not contributing more financially (I'm the main wage earner), this probably led to him feeling emasculated, I then wouldn't be particularly nice and go on at him about his drinking (if you've got enough to buy wine, how come you can't get the shopping this week) this would probably lead to more stress and more drinking, I would then turn down any advances for intimacy, he would feel rejected. I would then comfort eat & feel unhappy in my body thus not feeling body confident enough for sex. It wasn't a completely sexless relationship but looking back, definitely sex starved. I just wish he'd done the same amount if reflection because all of our difficulties feel solvable to me but only if we both want to solve them. This is all so hard.

Self reflection is good. And glad you recognize the pattern. Know you can't change the past and accept that. Focus on the present and your immediate needs. Once you stabilize work to address these issues/cycles for the future.

Sometimes posts seem to be aiming for a positive divorce rather than how I save a marriage.

We all came here to save our marriage. And we all want to help the people who come here to save theirs too. However, you also need to recognize that it is not something you control. If your H wants to move out, you can't stop him. If he wants to go through with a D you can't stop that either. You need to accept that fact and release any hold over it. Have you read the serenity prayer? Whether you're religious or not it's perfect advice for these situations:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Once you truly accept that and let go you'll find peace.

Now, what you can control is you. You can go out for that walk and join a gym. You can eat healthier. You can get out an GAL and have dinner with a friend or start an art class or see a movie. You can be the best mother you can possibly be for your kids who are also going through a tough time...etc, etc. If you commit to the things you can control about you, then you will start feeling better, and happier, and more confident. And that will be attractive.

[MA1970]

Hi everyone, I've had a good day today. Went for a walk last night (knee suffering today) and met an old friend who is a retired couple Psychotherapist. She was wonderful to talk to and spoke a lot about the principles mentioned on here. She said about considering my behaviours as to whether they are enabling or not & made a lot of sense around my feelings. I came home feeling strong & asked H if he has found a flat yet. He said there is nothing and the estate agent said there were some properties coming on in March. I think this may be a stalling tactic and BS. He said all the right things, was pulling at my heart strings again. Said how sorry he was, that he had felt unloved and regrets it, knows now that he was loved. I felt myself softening and then he pulled out a corker of a lie and said he would be going out Saturday night but would not stay over and would be home between 10 & 11. I reiterated that he should leave as soon as he can as this was the right thing to do for both of us to have some time and space to focus on our own needs. I still think he is trying to have his cake and eat it. I feel sure that even if he came to me and said I've stopped seeing her that I wouldn't believe him and he needs time to do the reflection that I've done. This is slowly beginning to make sense to me. My friend said today that she is certain I will be alright no matter what but thinks he probably won't be. She also reminded me that he is not my problem and to stop being a mum to him! I'm sure I've not got all this right so any pearls of wisdom, particularly about how I get him out of the house are welcomed!

[MikeP]

MA, I didn’t mean to imply that you H shouldn’t leave if that’s what you need. I was only trying to help you prepare for it. Like I said, when my W moved out I was a complete wreck. It was my ultimatum though and I felt it was the right move. It’s been equally hard since she came back if I’m being honest. Sometimes things seem “normal” and then I get a reality check. Nothing about this is easy or the perfect solution. We make our choices and deal with the consequences as best we can.
I was the same as most here, I lost roughly 35 lbs in a couple of months. Since late summer I have regained about half of it. Definitely get some exercise. Walk, run, lift some weights. I was eating one meal a day for quite awhile and still lifted/ran. My strength did suffer near as much as I thought if would. Your body can adapt. Try finding a brand if protein powder that suits your taste buds and have a shake everyday. I did that a lot post workout or post run just to force some calories down. I really like Metabolic Drive from Biotest. Tastes good and doesn’t bother my stomach like a lot of other brands do. Available on Amazon or their website. Amazon has free shipping though. Did mean to get sidetracked there, just passing on what worked for me. Still using that product now, really like it.
Like others gave said, you will eventually calm down. Your mind will slow down. It will still suck but you will be in a better place once things settle.

[MA1970]

Thanks Mike, I really value your advice and didn't for one minute think you were telling me what to do, just preparing me for how I might feel. The diet advice is really helpful. I'm not even managing one meal at the minute but drinking plenty of water & manage a hot chocolate every night. I'll look into the protein shakes. Its a good idea. At the start of this, I was thinking it would all be sorted in a couple of weeks. How naive! I remember DnJ saying I had the gift of time and I thought I don't want that gift, I need to know what's happening. Turns out I now value that gift and am not expecting any change for quite some time. I also acknowledge that my feelings may have changed by then, each day the lies kill me. It's the disrespect. This is definitely not the man I've spent the last 26 years with. Anyway, off for a walk with a friend now. D(16) has got all her friends round for pizza downstairs. S in his bedroom with wine & son is at the gym. I've arranged to meet a friend tomorrow afternoon for a coffee & D is going to do a pamper session with me in the morning. Let's see what tomorrow brings.