Newbie and needing help please

[DnJ]

Hello M

This really takes the weight off doesn’t it. I lost 35 pounds in my first three weeks (BD was in 2017). So much anxiety and stress and adrenaline. BD affected my kids too. One’s appetite does return after a bit.

how do I ensure that he continues to have a relationship with D(16) & S(19) and this doesn't suffer as a result of him going.

It’s not your job is to facilitate or maintain their relationship. Your job is to just not destroy it.

There will be damage from Dad leaving and cheating. Ensure you keep open honest lines of communication with your children. Let them come to you with anything. Answer questions age appropriately. And it is perfectly acceptable to say “I’m not sure. Let me think about that and we can talk tomorrow.” Just make sure you do.

My kids were right there with a literal front row seat at BD. They had a lot of questions over the years. And our relationship is very strong.

Foster compassion and understanding and forgiveness in your discussions with the kids. And never demonize their Dad. Realize they are half him. Half their genes come from him. Attacking him feels like attacking them, from their perspective. And they will also have concerns about themselves repeating Dad’s behaviours.

Kids will also need to rebel against Dad and what he is doing. Problem is, they cannot risk losing him. As such, they will lash out at you - the safe stable parent. It’s a perfectly normal response for them. Granted, it’s not very enjoyable, however do realize that it’s a health part of their processing. In time, they will actually direct their feelings and words appropriately towards Dad.

I get the focus on me stuff but I'm also frightened that he'll forget about me and that I'm willing to work at the relationship if he cuts off.

H won’t forget you. He will feel numb / indifferent towards you.

The more you pursue him, the more he will focus on you and your advances. This means he cannot feel the guilt, the pain, the problems, the loss, and such of breaking apart his family. He needs to feel those. And then hopefully reflect upon that, and be willing to make a life course correction.

After he admitted to the affair a couple of nights ago, he has clearly been struggling with his guilt coming to the surface & today has stopped talking to me and the kids & just sitting in his room drinking alcohol.

Yep.

M, H’s behaviour and affair has little to do with you. You know him. He came from a cold family which doesn’t do emotions. Things pile up, life’s problems and pressures, and yes those relationship problems, and he didn’t know how to talk about it. Then boom.

Let him go and give him to a higher power for a while. H needs to see and feel his guilt. Regret, remorse, will be a time coming, if he will do some inner looking.

Be kind and compassionate. Live your life. Focus on you.

D