DnJ thank you for your lovely words. You have a very calm way of engaging, which really does help.
You’re welcome.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Originally Posted by DnJ
What was his response to this?
He said he would need time to get his finances sorted last night then today he said if he had to over out, he would not be able to contribute to the mortgage. I said I understand that you won't be able to pay as much but you will still need to contribute to the children's welfare & I would hope that was important to you too. He said only till aged 16. This isn't correct, it's while they're in full time education and I informed him of this. He then said I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage and I said that my parents had agreed to help but also they wanted him to know that whatever happens, they love him. He said that's nice of them and walked away. I'm still no clearer as to his plans.
So, M, you are upon two paths. There is the emotional path which is the one of growth, healing, understanding, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, and such. The other path is the business path.
When dealing with business type issues, like money, mortgage, child support, alimony - basically bills and kids - stay business like. No emotion. Make decisions with sound logic and reason. And run everything by a lawyer before agreeing to anything. Always! And never sign anything without seeking your lawyer’s advice.
Before you have any further conversation like that above, see a L. And like I advised regarding the DB book and this forum, do not share any information that you receive from your lawyer with H. For the moment, H is not on your team. He is on team H. Even the kids may not be thought of by him.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I worry that he has not only compartmentalised me but he has the kids too. He doesn't speak to them and doesn't seem to care.
Compartmentalizing is often used by these folks. It works for a while, until things start to unravel. Pressures builds, and boom; the compartmentalizing fails big time.
H is talking of getting his finances in order. You need to see a L pronto. Find out what your rights are, and what you are untitled to. This doesn’t mean you are seeking a divorce; it’s just information. And information is power. Without this knowledge you could be steamrolled over. Do not let H pull the wool over your eyes.
Like I said, two paths. Keep the business side business. That does feel heartless. Doesn’t it? Kind of makes sense. No heart in business, just mind. You need to do what’s best for you and your children.
H is the one cheating and stepping out of the marriage. He has financial responsibilities, which he likely doesn’t realize nor thought about. Too bad for him. Don’t get talked into some terrible deal. Remain silent when/if he bring this kind of stuff up. Just say something like “Interesting, I’ll have to think that over.”
And definitely do not let H off the hook with your family’s help. H can pay his share!
M, divorce may not happen. Or it might. In either case, just treat it as a business deal gone bad.
Seriously, see a L soon.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
