Living With WAW 4

[BL42]

DW17,

Sounds like you're handling your emotions well through a very difficult situation. Good job.

W started filling out the D paperwork again. It was in response to her getting upset that we aren’t staying together or sharing a rental car this upcoming weekend. Basically, she was throwing a fit.

I think you know this but I'll say it anyway...she's going to do what she's going to do regardless of what decision you make for the weekend away. Don't let her convince you she's decided on the divorce because of that. The thing is the LBS is scared of D and wants to keep the family together, but once the WAS/WS goes through with the D the "worst" has happened to the LBS and the WAS/WS loses all power - no more "I'll D you!" care to play. Let her throw her fits; you stay strong, calm, and collected.

When W was filling out the paperwork, it was in the dining room while D18 was doing her homework and I was making dinner.

Both times she’s filled them out it was right in front of D18.

Ridiculous behavior to do everything she's doing, but especially filling out D paperwork and making sly comments in front of D18. WAS/WS are completely 100% selfish.

She kept making comments to get a reaction, but I didn’t bite.

Good for you.

D18 is great about ignoring things, but I worry about what she may be keeping in. I check with her about how she’s feeling with everything every few days and she says she’s fine but can’t wait until she's off to college and doesn't have to play mom for D5 on top of juggling school, sports, work, friends, etc. It feels like she’s just holding in her emotions until she doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. Not sure if that’s healthy or not, but I’ve been talking with my IC about how to help her with that.

I'd be concerned about her leaving for college after all this. It's a big transition for anyone to handle, without going through the drama of her mom. Smart to engage an IC.

One new change from the parenting plan compared to the one W filled out previously is that she changed it to 50/50, but wants D5 for all bdays, Christmas and “adoption day” (we celebrate the day we finalized our adoption).

Well that's obviously not going to happen. 50/50 is the standard. Every other or split the days, but she's delusional to think she'll get every Holiday.

I’m glad it’s more reasonable than the first attempt,

Agreed. Making progress in that sense...

but that’s still not going to work for me.

Good. You know your rights and are standing up for them. Don't let her bully you into a bad agreement.

And her actions this morning made me wonder if I should be pushing for a larger portion of custody.

Document it.

W went out last night and did not come home. Whatever, I’m used to that now. But today I had to be at work at 5 and earlier in the week I made arrangements for D5 to be watched in case W wasn’t able to. W got offended at the suggestion she wouldn’t be able to watch D5 and said something like “She’s my kid, I am capable of taking care of her.” This was several days ago. I assumed this meant she would be home by the time I left for work, but she wasn’t.

Lessons learned. She's taught you can't be depended on even for child care - act accordingly moving forward.

Instead, D18 is stuck watching her and was never asked to. D18 and I talked about it last night, anticipating W not coming home, but it’s still incredibly frustrating.

That is incredibly frustrating.

W has always been a great mom until the past 8 months, but her actions make me question whether she actually is capable of taking care of D5. D5 complains or cries to me almost daily about W not spending time with her or not being around.

I remember my S5 crying looking out the window because "he just wanted to see mommy on mothers day" but she's was staying somewhere else having "her own time". Not sure I'll ever forget that one.

If W’s current mental state continues post-D, I do not want this woman caring for my child.

Unfortunately you may not have a choice.

I’m not sure if anyone else has been in the same boat. If so, did your exW snap out of her bad parenting post-D, or continue a downward spiral?

So DW17, my ExW was a good mom to S4 and D1 until BD. Then she would have to "work early" or "work late" do odd shifts and the next day while I had to work basically sleep half the day and just turn on movies for the kids. The first year after she moved out the kids came back several times without bathing for the full week, she would give them chocolate for breakfast, and pass them off on me giving up her time if she wanted to go away with OM2. Things that were ridiculous to normal responsible parents, but wouldn't merit any court judgement against 50/50 (they seem to have more pressing concerns with drug and physical abuse, unfortunately). But she seems to have come around on that front. Is a lot more engaged with bathing, homework, having her full time with them...etc. So I think to answer your question it's possible your W might revert back to the mother she was and start being more responsible for your kids at some point. But who knows. It's a case by case basis I think. My ExW's path doesn't mean your W will act the same.

The advice I’ve received from a few people is to push for what I want, not what I think is fair.

I think the better advice is to push for what's best for the kids, not what you want. Now maybe those align, but try to step away your hurt and betrayal and personal view of the situation and always with every decision you make think "Is this what's best for the kids?". Sometimes it'll hurt you a bit, but you have to take the high road and think what's right for them. Not that you aren't. Clearly you're the responsible party that's doing better for them than W right now. Just saying that should be the standard.

Should someone dealing with depression and everything else my W is going through right now be granted 50/50 custody?

I’ll talk with my L about this also, but I’m just curious what others may have experienced.

Talk with L about what's even possible. Do you even have grounds for more than 50/50? And, if so, than think really hard about what's best for the kids. If you truly believe in your heart she can't care for them than go for more than 50/50.

Good stuff on the GAL. D5 biking, D7 dance, new clothes, friend's band, half marathon prep...well done. Enjoy D18's tournament...socialize with the families and embrace the awkwardness...love it!