Newbie and needing help please

[DnJ]

Hello MA

Here is some helpful command structure explanation for quoting:

There are a few ways to include a quote.

Below an unlocked post there are four buttons - like, edit, reply, and quote. (<Like> is available for posts that are not your’s.) Pressing the quote button populates the quick reply dialog box (the place where one types their responses/posts) with that entire post - bookended by the quote command.

Another, and more precise method is to copy and paste what you want to quote into the command structure.

By the way, you can see the QUOTE command in action. Just press the quote button on this post to examine its syntax from the above quote.

Basically:

[ quote=User Name]Displayed Text[/quote]

Note: I left a space between “[“ and “quote” otherwise it would be seen as the command and it will display it as a quote, and won’t display the syntax structure. You need to remove that space when actually using the command.

User Name - The name of the quoted poster. The quote box will display the title - “Originally Posted by <User Name>”.

The user name is optional to the command. Not including one will just display a title of - “Quote”.

Displayed Text - The text that will be displayed within the quote box.


The Quote button below a post is useful for showing the post with all its embedded commands expanded. Then copy - commands included if you are after such - and quote or utilize as needed. Especially useful if nesting quotes or for embedded links.

I personally prefer the more precise method to type the quote command syntax and paste in the quoted text.

Still haven't mastered the quote. Seems really difficult on phone. I'll keep trying though.

Type in the following line (or copy paste):

[ quote=User Name]Displayed Text[/quote]

Remove the space from between the first “[” and “quote=User Name]Displayed Text[/quote]”.

Press <Preview Reply> to see how it would display. It will look like below:

Displayed Text

D

[MA1970]

Update - I went to friends Saturday night and had a wonderful fun night. Talked about H without anxiety or tears and had a great meal. Came back home and the anxiety was immediately there. H was "working" today & when he came home, I just felt I couldn't hold it in. I was calm (he wasnt) and I gave him all the evidence that he was having an affair. He still denied it coming up with the most ridiculous lies. I said I thought he should take some time away from us & I'm in turmoil about this now. Will we ever get him back? When I feel detached, I believe this is the right thing and I'll survive with or without him. In some ways, I think its easier if he's not in the same house because whenever he's there and not his usual loving self, it's like a stab in my heart & a reminder he has someone else. But D(16) walked into his room and saw a long text with hearts and kisses at the bottom and she's now full of anxiety that we won't be the happy family we were last year. I don't know what I'm saying I just feel that fear and distress again and a desperation for certainty. How long does it take for the affair fog to lift? I still feel like any attempts to work on me are designed to be a better person for him not me. He's my everything and I can't imagine my life without him but equally I don't want him how he is. He's not the person I fell in love with. He said tonight that he loves me in some respects. What's that supposed to mean? Sorry, I'm ranting again. I don't know if the forums help or not, feeling churned up. Sorry!

[Rockon]

MA this is so incredibly hard and I can relate. I’m still “fresh” with the betrayal wounds. Great job being with friends Saturday!

You are making significant realizations and taking important strong steps of courage.

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

I’ve been where you are. I was once so churned up, so sure I could not live without my spouse, so worried and fearful of what would happen to me and the family.

Betrayal is horrible. The wounds are deep and jagged.

And they do heal.

Honest.

(((Hug)))

Just breathe.

Finding detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detachment, no longer being uncontrollably dragged around emotionally by H’s words, actions, or behaviours.

You are making good progress. Asking questions seeks rationalization of events and breeds detachment. Rationalizing regains control/influence over one’s runaway emotions.

Talked about H without anxiety or tears and had a great meal.

Detachment is peaceful. You had your focus elsewhere - explaining and talking about H, rather than dwelling on what might happen and is happening. A step removed from things. Detached.

Came back home and the anxiety was immediately there.

We still feel things. We still need to feel things. Even when detached. We just aren’t dragged around.

You know you can be detached for a length of time. Now you work on lengthening that.

Scheduling a time to feel and cry let’s go those emotions and furthers detachment. Letting your emotions wash over you creates less pent up feelings, which reinforces the “feeling better” you are working towards. This is you taking charge over your emotional state. And in time, as you heal, you will find less and less need to schedule such.

H was "working" today & when he came home, I just felt I couldn't hold it in.

I understand, and have felt that way too.

Realize your intellect is stronger than your feelings. You directly control your thought, actions, and reactions. Just because you feel something does not make it actionable.

I gave him all the evidence that he was having an affair. He still denied it coming up with the most ridiculous lies.

Yep. Lies were the likely outcome. Kind of funny how they spin their ridiculous tall tales with such a straight face.

The biggest problem with lies happens when the liar starts to believes them. Reality then gets blurred and one is truly lost.

The LBS has very little to no control over their spouse’s path. Any efforts to alter or speed up their spouse’s journey are at best neutral, and usually end up prolonging it. Continued pressures from the LBS will more entrench their spouse.

I said I thought he should take some time away from us

What was his response to this?

Will we ever get him back?

Maybe. The future is unwritten, and no one can accurately predict it.

You become the best version of you. You save yourself, so no matter what happens you will be alright. And gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.

How long does it take for the affair fog to lift?

It depends upon the person.

For someone stepping outside of their marriage, the illicit behaviour/relationship has a drug like hold. The fog clouds their judgement and shrouds their other feelings. Limerence takes time to dissipate. Most estimates put that process around 18 months. One can easily double that if the person is in crisis or MLC.

That estimate is for the fog to clear. Lots of other fateful things can happen. For example, the OW could throw him out; he might snap awake to what he is losing. In such scenarios H might control himself and walk the proper path. However, his feelings still need to be processed and take time to subside.

Of course, the affair and the affair partner are merely a symptom of a deeper internal conflict. Some folks realize this and dig deep or get help, others ignore or push aside their inner pain which usually has it rise up again. For that which is buried alive will come back to haunt.

This is where us LBS are. Facing our inner turmoil and conflicts and fears and such. Plenty gets stirred up within us from our spouse’s unwanted behaviour. Find acceptance and ensure you don’t just burry it.

He said tonight that he loves me in some respects. What's that supposed to mean?

H doesn’t even know what he means. He is living two (or more) lives right now.

I know how you want certainty. How you want answers. Trust and have faith. Both are coming. And both will not be in the manner you expect them.

Let go or be dragged.

I don't know if the forums help or not, feeling churned up.

At first, a lot of what you hear will feel wrong. The advice goes against our default behaviours.

Let me tell you something. I hated hearing the advice when I first got here. Hated it! Things will get worse before they get better. Be better not bitter. Let go or be dragged. Focus on you. You control you. Post often. And so on.

However, hating was a feeling. I knew folks who had gone before me would have much hard-earned wisdom. So I worked to hear and heed with intellect, and just feel what I feel. A counterintuitive path, until it isn’t.

I don't know what I'm saying I just feel that fear and distress again and a desperation for certainty.

Hang in there. You will make it.

D

[MA1970]

DnJ thank you for your lovely words. You have a very calm way of engaging, which really does help.

I still can't get the quote stuff (see attempts below)

[quote=DnJ]What was his response to this?

He said he would need time to get his finances sorted last night then today he said if he had to over out, he would not be able to contribute to the mortgage. I said I understand that you won't be able to pay as much but you will still need to contribute to the children's welfare & I would hope that was important to you too. He said only till aged 16. This isn't correct, it's while they're in full time education and I informed him of this. He then said I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage and I said that my parents had agreed to help but also they wanted him to know that whatever happens, they love him. He said that's nice of them and walked away. I'm still no clearer as to his plans.

I'm understanding a little bit more. I've spent quite a bit of today calm and ok. I'm not sure it's been detachment but maybe a step in the right direction. I've been able to focus on his current actions, which I don't like rather than his past love & my fear of the future. Still getting that periodic ball of anxiety. My worries seem to be more about our children today (S19 & D16). My D saw his phone last night with a long message ending with 4 heart emoji & lots of kisses. She couldn't sleep and came to me saying why can't he see that we were happy last year. It broke my heart. I worry that he has not only compartmentalised me but he has the kids too. He doesn't speak to them and doesn't seem to care. It's all so hard

[MA1970]

Rockon I hope your journey is going well. I read your posts and you seem to be getting a handle on this. Can I ask how long it took to feel more in control of your emotions?

[DnJ]

Hi MA

[quote=DnJ]What was his response to this?

Almost right. You just missed the “/quote” in square brackets after the question mark.

The quote command is made up of two parts. The “quote” and the “/quote” both within []. And what’s in between is what is displayed. It’s the [] that tells the program it’s a command.

Try what you typed before - the stuff in the box above - and append [ /quote] to it. (Without the space between “[” and “/”; I needed that space so you can see the command.

Or how about this:

Type this in, then preview it. Just without any spaces (there are two):

[ quote]Test[ /quote]

If done correctly you’ll get:

Test

D

[DnJ]

Hello MA

DnJ thank you for your lovely words. You have a very calm way of engaging, which really does help.

You’re welcome.

What was his response to this?

He said he would need time to get his finances sorted last night then today he said if he had to over out, he would not be able to contribute to the mortgage. I said I understand that you won't be able to pay as much but you will still need to contribute to the children's welfare & I would hope that was important to you too. He said only till aged 16. This isn't correct, it's while they're in full time education and I informed him of this. He then said I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage and I said that my parents had agreed to help but also they wanted him to know that whatever happens, they love him. He said that's nice of them and walked away. I'm still no clearer as to his plans.

So, M, you are upon two paths. There is the emotional path which is the one of growth, healing, understanding, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, and such. The other path is the business path.

When dealing with business type issues, like money, mortgage, child support, alimony - basically bills and kids - stay business like. No emotion. Make decisions with sound logic and reason. And run everything by a lawyer before agreeing to anything. Always! And never sign anything without seeking your lawyer’s advice.

Before you have any further conversation like that above, see a L. And like I advised regarding the DB book and this forum, do not share any information that you receive from your lawyer with H. For the moment, H is not on your team. He is on team H. Even the kids may not be thought of by him.

I worry that he has not only compartmentalised me but he has the kids too. He doesn't speak to them and doesn't seem to care.

Compartmentalizing is often used by these folks. It works for a while, until things start to unravel. Pressures builds, and boom; the compartmentalizing fails big time.

H is talking of getting his finances in order. You need to see a L pronto. Find out what your rights are, and what you are untitled to. This doesn’t mean you are seeking a divorce; it’s just information. And information is power. Without this knowledge you could be steamrolled over. Do not let H pull the wool over your eyes.

Like I said, two paths. Keep the business side business. That does feel heartless. Doesn’t it? Kind of makes sense. No heart in business, just mind. You need to do what’s best for you and your children.

H is the one cheating and stepping out of the marriage. He has financial responsibilities, which he likely doesn’t realize nor thought about. Too bad for him. Don’t get talked into some terrible deal. Remain silent when/if he bring this kind of stuff up. Just say something like “Interesting, I’ll have to think that over.”

And definitely do not let H off the hook with your family’s help. H can pay his share!

M, divorce may not happen. Or it might. In either case, just treat it as a business deal gone bad.

Seriously, see a L soon.

D

[Rockon]

MA, it has taken some time to deal with my emotions and in fact I am still going through a lot of emotions though my coping has gotten better. I would suggest that it was a couple of months before I began to face and go through the emotions rather than try to run from them with the support of therapy and a very small number of friends. The advice you have received really helps. For me I benefitted from some crisis counselling (through my EAP at work) in the first 24-48 hrs after BD when I wasn’t sleeping or coping well. Walks in nature and other forms of exercise were and have been essential.

[MA1970]

DnJ - good advice about legal. My mum said the same thing. He has agreed to pay child maintenance.

Rockon - I feel each day gets a bit better and my mum said I sounded less in shock and calmer today when I spoke to her. I've arranged some IC through work and this will start next week.

He lied again last night and was with OW all night. We've spoke today. I was calm and he did admit to the affair. Said he felt so guilty and hadn't wanted to hurt me. I said he had hurt me and that I couldn't live with him under the same roof whilst he is sleeping with her one night and here the next. He has agreed to move out. He's also agreed not to stay overnight or lie about shifts till he goes. Said we'd drifted apart and it was his fault for not talking. I agreed but also said there were lots of things contributing but that the decision to have the affair was solely his. He agreed and said sorry and that he still loves me. Feels like a different kind of hurt because he clearly remains adamant that he does not want to try but I can see in his eyes that he still cares deeply. I'm fluctuating between sadness and strength today. Trying to stay in the present but those damn memories sneak in.