Newbie and needing help please

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

Has H admitted to an OW? Do you have proof? Or is this still speculation? Granted likely, however speculative until proven.

Meltdown this morning when I visited where H said he was working and car not there.

Does H work at different places? That’s how this reads to me. Perhaps H had to go elsewhere. Given his current minimal communication he probably would not update you. He did turn off the tracker and work rotation information.

I know I shouldn't have done this & I also knew what I would find.

I understand the desire and pull to spy and dig to find out what is going on. That sort of thing will pull you back in and stir up your emotions.

Any thoughts on how I detach and not confront?

Something I found useful is to be accurate. Strive to be accurate in thought and heart.

Striving to see accurately forces one to see things rationally. To utilize more logic and reason. This really helps with detachment.

And in talking of being accurate, one of the biggest benefits of being accurate is not knowing what one does know - it’s knowing/realizing what one does not know. That allows better decision making. Always good to know just how strong and solid the foundation and information is, or is not, that one is utilizing.

My dilemma is do I confront him and ask him to leave and risk that he'll never come back? Or Do I carry on (its killing me) doing what I'm doing till after D(16) prom with him living his best life getting everything provided at home and going out getting his fix?

First off, H is not living his best life. Not by a long shot! That is just your emotions talking.

Confronting him is unlikely to find a “good” resolution to this situation. Besides he would probably lie. Especially if embroiled in a secret affair.

H could also refuse to leave. Then what?

M, lots of things will happen during this journey. It is best some of those get placed in motion by H and not you. You cannot un-ring a bell. Best be sure before you strike it.

Do you just carry on? Nope.

A lot of time one gets caught in binary thinking. Only seeing two options. Remember hope? Hope lives in the possibilities. You have lots of possibilities.

You need not just carry on. Instead, focus on you. Detach. Live and love your life.

Do not place deadline on things. D16’s graduation for example. Why that timeline? Drawing a line in the sand will likely end up with someone stepping over it. One usually finds what they are seeking.

He says that he's not saying yes and not saying no to trying to save the marriage and not ready to make a decision.

That is most probably true. H is unsure.

Dig for patience. Time is a gift. Use it well.

Become the best version of you. Make changes that you want to make. And make them permanent. For you! Not for H.

I suspect H has seen some changes in you. Felt something different about you. A spouse is often wary of some ploy to manipulate or just trying to win them back. It takes time for them to realize.

I think the longer he has the best of both worlds, the longer the affair has to strengthen and it might be a hit of reality if I ask him to leave now.

Unlikely to snap him awake with a jolt of reality. No quick fixes.

Affairs need to run their course. If one blows the lid off an affair, it usually just gets taken underground. If people attempt an intervention or some such, that usually strengthens it; an us against the world type rebellious strengthening.

An affair is build upon lies and deceit. And that make a terrible foundation. Such a relationship requires enormous energies and maintenance as its sand-like foundation slips and slides. The longer an affair goes on, the more reality actually seeps in. And that would weaken it, rather than strengthen it.

From a DB position, I'm really finding it hard being in the unknown and am moving toward it being better if he goes.

The future is unknown.

“finding it hard being in the known”. You’re anxious because you are living in a possible future. One of many possible futures.

Live in the present. Ground yourself to the here and now. Be a stanchion to life’s storms.

Counterintuitively, one most embraces the future uncertainty when one is not looking to it and most living in the present.

I feel terrible anyway and at least if I know that he's not here, I can try and make a life for myself.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Making a life for yourself does not require H to be out of the house. Do make a life.

Yep, you feel terrible. (((Hugs))) It’s really horrible. Man do I remember those days. Your peace is not based upon what H is or is not doing.

How should I start a conversation like this? I want it to come from a calm place. I also want him to take ownership of why he is leaving (if he does) and tell the kids the reason. Is this reasonable?

You cannot control what he takes ownership of.

How to start a conversation? Especially from a place of calm. Show him (and yourself).

Live your best life. Be a woman only a fool would leave. You do that, and the question becomes - is H a fool or not. And only he can answer that.

D