Newbie and needing help please

[MA1970]

DnJ you are a world of wisdom that brings a wonderful sense of calm to my frantic mind. I read the lighthouse story...thank you! It was exactly what I needed. I recognise the changes I need to make within any relationship and feel able and willing to commit to these. I've also had a good hard think tonight (probs morning for you) about what led to me feeling so withdrawn in terms of our sex life. I've got huge hang ups about my body so my first goal for me is to build my strength. I'm going to do this by joining the local gym. This will help with the evenings when my mind wanders. I'm also going to commit to trying to eat more regularly and trying to make the right food choices. Thank you so much for your words, as I said before they manage to keep my hope but also mix a bit of reality in there!

[Kind18]

Your friends gave you very bad advice. Every relationship talk is another nail in the coffin.

You want him to think you’re happy he’s leaving. Like BL42 said, pack his stuff in boxes, leave it on the porch and wish him well with a smile on your face.

Every time you have a relationship talk he
a) loses respect for you because you’re letting him treat you like crap
b) knows his backup plan is rock solid and so he knows he can pursue things further with OW

Read this regarding gym:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2939506#Post2939506

[MA1970]

Thanks for the gym article kind18. 30 days of intense exercise...wow!! I'm just waiting for my knee to die down from sudden bout of pain (can't remember knocking it but may well have) & then I'm going to start.

Another tearful day today but was with a wonderful friend who has invited me out at the weekend so I'm going to put my glam clothes on, do my hair and make up & leave H in charge of daughter at home.

[Ready2Change]

I'm going to put my glam clothes on, do my hair and make up & leave H in charge of daughter at home.

this is how you DB!

[MA1970]

Advice please. Meltdown this morning when I visited where H said he was working and car not there. I know I shouldn't have done this & I also knew what I would find. On the plus side, it has given me a bit of strength. I've been washing, cleaning, being super happy (apart from when I've been in tears) and generally making life at home very comfortable whilst he has been out with OW. I do think the affair has only been happening since mid Dec. My dilemma is do I confront him and ask him to leave and risk that he'll never come back? Or Do I carry on (its killing me) doing what I'm doing till after D(16) prom with him living his best life getting everything provided at home and going out getting his fix? He says that he's not saying yes and not saying no to trying to save the marriage and not ready to make a decision. I think the longer he has the best of both worlds, the longer the affair has to strengthen and it might be a hit of reality if I ask him to leave now. From a DB position, I'm really finding it hard being in the unknown and am moving toward it being better if he goes. I feel terrible anyway and at least if I know that he's not here, I can try and make a life for myself. How should I start a conversation like this? I want it to come from a calm place. I also want him to take ownership of why he is leaving (if he does) and tell the kids the reason. Is this reasonable?

[LH19]

M,

Lots going on here and things to ponder.

What if you ask him to leave and he says no?

Why do you want him to tell the kids why he is leaving?

What are your kids ages?

Can you add a signature like mine? It helps having this information.

[BL42]

MA1970,

I've no idea how you do the fancy boxes quoting text

Hit the "Quote" button in the lower right corer of the comment, near the Like and Reply buttons.

The format is [ quote=MA1970]Text you want in the quote[ /quote], just remove the first space after the bracket. If that makes sense. There's also a "Preview Reply" button on your reply so you can see if it looks correct before posting.

but thank you BL42, I found your comments honestly and helpful.

You're welcome. We're all just paying it forward here.

In terms of the is he an alcoholic question, I would say he's a functioning alcoholic. He gets up for work but drinks every day around 1-2 bottles of wine despite it upsetting me & the kids. Lots of past arguments about this & lots of failed promises to change. A little bit of gaslighting too where he told me the lack of sex was the reason he drank (also one of the reasons for the lack of sex).

Sounds like there are some significant issues with his drinking which need to be addressed if any R is to happen.

I'm slowly remembering the negative stuff in the relationship. It's funny isn't it how H seems biased to remembering the bad stuff and I've seemed bias towards the good stuff!

This is actually very common. People around here refer to it was the WAS/WS "rewriting history" and the LBS "taking off the rose colored glasses".

Anyway, your words helped me a lot today and I certainly feel stronger now than when I posted.

Glad to hear it. I've found all the advice and support here from others is very helpful, even just the fact someone is responding at all and you know someone out there who knows what you're going through took the time to care.

Thanks for the gym article kind18. 30 days of intense exercise...wow!! I'm just waiting for my knee to die down from sudden bout of pain (can't remember knocking it but may well have) & then I'm going to start.

Don't wait for the knee...just do exercise that doesn't impact the knee. Do something!

Another tearful day today but was with a wonderful friend who has invited me out at the weekend so I'm going to put my glam clothes on, do my hair and make up & leave H in charge of daughter at home.

Yes! Getting dressed up and going out with a friend! perfect.

Advice please. Meltdown this morning when I visited where H said he aas working and car not there. I know I shouldn't have done this & I also knew what I would find.

Unfortunately this was very likely. You know now, so unless there's a benefit in the D process to gather evident of the A, it's not going to serve you.

My dilemma is do I confront him and ask him to leave and risk that he'll never come back? Or Do I carry on (its killing me) doing what I'm doing till after D(16) prom with him living his best life getting everything provided at home and going out getting his fix?

You can also not confront but detach yourself and move forward as if he's not an option.

He says that he's not saying yes and not saying no to trying to save the marriage and not ready to make a decision. I think the longer he has the best of both worlds, the longer the affair has to strengthen and it might be a hit of reality if I ask him to leave now.

I agree. The longer he's allowed to get the best of both worlds the more emboldened and confident he'll be. Best to pull the rug out from under their feet early.

Hang in there MA1970. You will get through this.

[MA1970]

Hi L, think I've put the details in my signature now. BL42 told me how to use quotes but can't seem to manage it on my phone!

I don't know what I'll do if he refuses to go. That will be really tricky. I suppose we will need to develop some boundaries and rules. I think I'd find that really hard though.

I want him to tell the kids because I think he needs to be open and honest with them. They are 19 and 16 and know there is something happening.

[MA1970]

Thank you BL, I agree with what your saying. Any thoughts on how I detach and not confront? There needs to be a discussion as to why I think its better he leaves.

Still haven't mastered the quote. Seems really difficult on phone. I'll keep trying though.

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

Has H admitted to an OW? Do you have proof? Or is this still speculation? Granted likely, however speculative until proven.

Meltdown this morning when I visited where H said he was working and car not there.

Does H work at different places? That’s how this reads to me. Perhaps H had to go elsewhere. Given his current minimal communication he probably would not update you. He did turn off the tracker and work rotation information.

I know I shouldn't have done this & I also knew what I would find.

I understand the desire and pull to spy and dig to find out what is going on. That sort of thing will pull you back in and stir up your emotions.

Any thoughts on how I detach and not confront?

Something I found useful is to be accurate. Strive to be accurate in thought and heart.

Striving to see accurately forces one to see things rationally. To utilize more logic and reason. This really helps with detachment.

And in talking of being accurate, one of the biggest benefits of being accurate is not knowing what one does know - it’s knowing/realizing what one does not know. That allows better decision making. Always good to know just how strong and solid the foundation and information is, or is not, that one is utilizing.

My dilemma is do I confront him and ask him to leave and risk that he'll never come back? Or Do I carry on (its killing me) doing what I'm doing till after D(16) prom with him living his best life getting everything provided at home and going out getting his fix?

First off, H is not living his best life. Not by a long shot! That is just your emotions talking.

Confronting him is unlikely to find a “good” resolution to this situation. Besides he would probably lie. Especially if embroiled in a secret affair.

H could also refuse to leave. Then what?

M, lots of things will happen during this journey. It is best some of those get placed in motion by H and not you. You cannot un-ring a bell. Best be sure before you strike it.

Do you just carry on? Nope.

A lot of time one gets caught in binary thinking. Only seeing two options. Remember hope? Hope lives in the possibilities. You have lots of possibilities.

You need not just carry on. Instead, focus on you. Detach. Live and love your life.

Do not place deadline on things. D16’s graduation for example. Why that timeline? Drawing a line in the sand will likely end up with someone stepping over it. One usually finds what they are seeking.

He says that he's not saying yes and not saying no to trying to save the marriage and not ready to make a decision.

That is most probably true. H is unsure.

Dig for patience. Time is a gift. Use it well.

Become the best version of you. Make changes that you want to make. And make them permanent. For you! Not for H.

I suspect H has seen some changes in you. Felt something different about you. A spouse is often wary of some ploy to manipulate or just trying to win them back. It takes time for them to realize.

I think the longer he has the best of both worlds, the longer the affair has to strengthen and it might be a hit of reality if I ask him to leave now.

Unlikely to snap him awake with a jolt of reality. No quick fixes.

Affairs need to run their course. If one blows the lid off an affair, it usually just gets taken underground. If people attempt an intervention or some such, that usually strengthens it; an us against the world type rebellious strengthening.

An affair is build upon lies and deceit. And that make a terrible foundation. Such a relationship requires enormous energies and maintenance as its sand-like foundation slips and slides. The longer an affair goes on, the more reality actually seeps in. And that would weaken it, rather than strengthen it.

From a DB position, I'm really finding it hard being in the unknown and am moving toward it being better if he goes.

The future is unknown.

“finding it hard being in the known”. You’re anxious because you are living in a possible future. One of many possible futures.

Live in the present. Ground yourself to the here and now. Be a stanchion to life’s storms.

Counterintuitively, one most embraces the future uncertainty when one is not looking to it and most living in the present.

I feel terrible anyway and at least if I know that he's not here, I can try and make a life for myself.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Making a life for yourself does not require H to be out of the house. Do make a life.

Yep, you feel terrible. (((Hugs))) It’s really horrible. Man do I remember those days. Your peace is not based upon what H is or is not doing.

How should I start a conversation like this? I want it to come from a calm place. I also want him to take ownership of why he is leaving (if he does) and tell the kids the reason. Is this reasonable?

You cannot control what he takes ownership of.

How to start a conversation? Especially from a place of calm. Show him (and yourself).

Live your best life. Be a woman only a fool would leave. You do that, and the question becomes - is H a fool or not. And only he can answer that.

D