I miss the companionship. The way things used to be I suppose. Things seem fake now and that’s unfulfilling.
I hear you man.
Perfectly normal progress Mike. Things do seem fake. “Feel” fake. For a while. It takes time.
Some musings from a friend who’s further down the path. (By the way, that’s me. )
I totally remember how unfulfilled it all seemed. Life in general. At the time I kind of understood it’s part of grief. The moving from bargaining into depression. I say kind of, for until you live through it, actually experience it, and as strange as this is, FEEL it, you don’t quite understand it.
You will get through this. You will eventually feel differently. And that is when and where and how you come to understand and appreciate the grief process. Yes, appreciate grief. Forgiving acceptance, the soul crushing pain and loss, and such; a testament to one’s self and values and how real and true things once were. And still are. How true you still are.
Still are.
It only seems fake.
Slowly we change/update our internal expectations, definition, outlook, etc. of our life. I’m not just talking about being roommates, or living sperate, or living single. I’m talking the deep values within.
Eventually, the pieces of you coalesce. The strengthening of beliefs, altering, discarding, the inner work, better not bitter - it pays huge dividends. Things settle and fulfilment is found.
It only seems fake.
Remember, I walked this path:
You are still defining you by your situation. That is the “fake-ness” you feel. (Again, perfectly normal progress.) You need to walk this step, to feel this, to move through it, all to understand yourself.
Fulfilment, happiness, peace, contentment, come from within.
Grief is loss. Acceptance is emotional understanding and letting go the loss. It takes time.
I know this smart guy, with a good soul, whose thread title is “One day at a time”.
It takes time. One day, one step, at a time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I missed your response D, haven’t been checking in regularly. Thanks for the uplifting words. Last couple of days have been rough. Feeling down, struggling to accept things as they are I suppose. I’ve gotten into a bit of a rut recently since retiring. Not exercising oR GALing. I need to refocus and get some new hobbies. And a job. Leary about a new job as it would relate to a D if it were to happen. Can’t wait forever though. I just received my payout for my accrued vacation time from my previous employer. In the back of my mind I worried W would make a move when I got it. So far that hasn’t been the case. Using it to pay a couple of small bills off and buy new bedroom furniture for the kids. The rest will go towards trips the kids are taking over spring break. I mentioned to W that I was looking into getting a motorcycle. She was not thrilled with the prospect. I guess she still cares enough that she doesn’t want me to wipe out on a bike. It’s not a money issue, she said I should get another old car instead. I’ve been looking at cars for awhile, prices are insane. I do want an old truck that s17 and I can work on together and then go off-roading with. Heading out to run errands, will check back later.
Just to clarify, she didn’t try and tell me I couldn’t get a bike. She’s never liked the idea and is afraid something will happen to me. If I can find what I’m looking for, I’m getting it. Looking fir a Yamaha V-max. I’ve ridden my buddies and really like it.
She’s never liked the idea and is afraid something will happen to me.
Like what? That you might be happy?!!??!?
Who gives a sh*t what she thinks? She lost that privilege when she announced to the world she didn’t care enough to honour her vows.
Find your happiness Mike!
I agree with you 100%. In all fairness she’s a major worrier. Anything fast or scary worries her to death. She did ride with me a few times down the drag strip and was all smiles afterwards.
)