Oftentimes talks with family and friends regarding what to do end up propelling things in unwanted directions. Realize they care about you and want to stop your suffering. Quick fixes don’t work. And they likely haven’t walk your path before.
Family and friends can be excellent support for you. For your path. It helps to let them know what you need. For example, clearly stating I want to stand for my marriage and beliefs, and ask you to remind me and help me when I start to falter.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Managing to be neutral some of the time but it's mostly when I've convinced myself there's hope that it'll change.
There’s always hope.
H changed to who he currently is displaying. Much to your shock. He can, and will, change again. People change all the time. None of us mid life folks are like we were back in our twenties.
There are also stages of life, definite major times of reflection and growth and change, when folks rise and sink depending upon their accomplishments, regrets, successes, failure, etc. One of the major stages occurs around mid life. At time when one looks back upon their life’s work and finds a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment from a life well lived, or regrets from decades of poor decisions and wasted moments. A spectrum from happy and content to bitter and mean as they enter their golden years.
Everyone needs to find acceptance of their own lost youth and opportunities. That’s part of life. For the unfortunate folks who struggle or have predisposition to emotion turmoil, they have a much more difficult path. Still, they can journey it. They can find peace and contentment.
Originally Posted by MA1970
…really fighting the urge not to check re ow.
The percentage of folks who have affairs the absolutely staggering. Realize the affair partner is a band-aid. They are being used. They are a mere symptom of a deep internal conflict within the cheating spouse.
Along with APs, drinking, drugs, spending, new friends, and so on, are often employed to try to ease their internal pressures of lost time or whatever they feel they’ve lost. They have so much internal pressure. Which is why the LBS steers clear of adding more. I know that’s difficult as we are fighting our own internal conflicts along this counterintuitive path.
If H is embroiled in an affair, you are highly unlikely to snap him out of it. And you’d need to let go the OW. If he is not seeing anyone else, you do not want to give ideas or create an untrusting situation. Again, you’d need to let go the OW - well the idea/fear of.
Originally Posted by MA1970
My mum said I should just let that be because there's nothing I can do & I get that in my head
Your Mom sound wise.
You get it. You understand it. You see the logic and rationale. And it takes time for one’s heart to catch up with their head.
Decisions that are based upon emotions very often lead to regret.
Lead with your mind. While keeping your heart soft and squishy.
Logic and reason and understanding with kindness and compassion and empathy.
Focus on you. Give H’s path to a higher power. Become the best version of yourself.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Told our closest couple friends about H, who encouraged me to try and get him to talk. I did this last night. He said he still cares about me but the intimate side is shut off.
You’ve left the door open. You’ve shown him the open door. Let him have some space and time to walk through it.
