Newbie and needing help please

[BL42]

MA1970,

We did talk about it, he came up with a plausible reason and I accepted it then because I had unwavering Trust.

Fair enough. It's a good thing to have trust in a long term relationship. But lessons learned, so next time trust your gut and don't let things like this slide.

I do think this was the start of his potential infidelity though as it all changed from mid Dec.

Sounds probable.

When it all blew up, and I was saying it was all my fault, he did say it wasn't as he should probably have told me earlier how he was feeling.

My ExW wife said I'd been beating her down (not true) and hadn't been happy for 5 years (maybe true inside? who knows...but we'd certainly had vacations and fun times and a baby during that time) and it's partially her fault because she didn't tell me years ago and we'd never know how I'd react back then (though she knew how I responded post-BD) and it was too late now.

Point is...the "should probably have told me earlier" may or may not be true. But it's words. DOn't trust them. It's equally plausible he was happy and things were fine but he got into an affair and is now re-writing history and putting the blame on you for his affair.

I suspect I wouldn't have been open to hearing it at that time because I was so focused on his drinking.

Is he an alcoholic?

said that it was worth just having a chat to let him know I still want the relationship to work but not putting pressure on him.

She's right on the not putting pressure on him, but you've already communicated you want the R to work so don't do it again...that IS more pressure.

She did say it sounds like he is having an affair

She's right. Sorry...

and that I would just have to ride that through.

Well...you don't HAVE to. It's up to you whether you want to ride it out or not.

I let myself down and drove past his work to check his car was there.

Yeah...stop doing that. I completely understand the urge, but at best it's going to help briefly but set you back in the long term. Work on detaching and staying busy so you have less time to think about the situation.

Told our closest couple friends about H, who encouraged me to try and get him to talk.

I'm sure your friends care about you and want the best for you, and their advice is probably with the best of intentions, but one of the biggest rules here is "No R talks"

I did this last night. He said he still cares about me but the intimate side is shut off.

You can't talk him out of this. You touched the shove so don't do it again.

I'm convinced he is seeing another woman

There's a 99% chance you're right. Sorry...

it's killing me because I can't imagine that our family life can compare to the excitement he feels in a new relationship and so keep predicting that the marriage won't survive.

You're right. You can't compete, because it's a fantasy relationship not a real life one. The only way to win is not play the game. Step back, get busy, start moving in the other direction. Withdraw all your emotional support and make him FEEL like he's losing you and maybe he'll start to question things. The best chance you have to R is be strong and move forward with your own life.

He's agreed to stay at home whilst our D(16) takes exams and prom but is in the spare room.

Take back your power. Pack up his stuff in a box and give it to him with a smile.

Our friend wants to talk to him to check he's ok but I'm frightened of his reaction if he knows I've spoken to them. Any guidance on that?

Most here wouldn't recommend it. They won't be able to convince him; he's more likely to drop them as friends than listen to their advice.

Sorry ranting now, I just want a glimmer of hope. I come on here but sometimes get sucked into all the marriages that haven't worked and it sometimes feels too painful to read the posts.

There is hope. If anything it seems like men are more likely to come back than women. However, your best chance is to drop the fear and get strong and attractive and move forward with confidence you'll be fine without him. He's not going to question anything if he sees you as hurt weak person; he's more likely to question things if he sees you walking away with your head up and a smile on your face.